To whom I may have offended:
Hey, how’s it going? First off, I know you probably think this is about you, and it sort of is. However, this isn’t addressed to anyone in particular, while also being to everyone, whether in the past, present or future.
I do a lot of apologizing, and it’s always the same. I figured I could save some time and write this form apology to cover all my bases, especially since something I say may get me killed one day, and I won’t have the opportunity to say any of this in such a situation.
I want you to know there must have been some confusion, perhaps a loss of context, and clearly it’s my fault. I apologize. I had no way of knowing, before I made those inflammatory remarks, that you were a whiny little milksop. Had I known beforehand that you were going to piss and moan so much after I made those comments… well, I probably still would have said them, but I would not have stuck around to bother reading the sniveling drivel you left in reply.
But again, I’m sorry you’re such a weepy-eyed chicken shit. It must be tough going through life like that, and I imagine you get a lot of people pointing out what a spineless little piss-ant you are, so you certainly don’t need me adding to the misery that is your existence. That isn’t fair. If I had known what a pusillanimous pudendum you were, I would have obviously had more sympathy. Now I know.
Again, sorry about the whole “being a little bitch” thing you’ve got going on, and I hope your paper-thin skin heals. I only said those things because, unlike your mother, I can’t bear an utter fool.
Let this be an opportunity. Try to allow this to be a lesson for you, a chance to learn to let criticism roll off your back. I know you are probably a spoiled, coddled, middle- to upper-class white person (this is the internet, after all). I’m sure no one has ever questioned you or suggested you were anything but an amazing, unique and special little snowflake. I don’t blame you for the shitty way your parents raised you, I just hope you use this as an opportunity to become less of a prat.
So, if I have offended you, don’t worry. I forgive you.