Wednesday, March 4, 2009

The Parable of the Yankees Fan

A baseball game between the Mets and Yankees plays on the TV above the heads of two men in a bar. One is wearing a Yankees hat and jersey. The other is in a button down white shirt and is balding slightly. Both have pints of beer in front of them.

The Yankees fan asks the man next to him who he’s rooting for, the Yankees or Mets. The man next to him says he is not a fan of either team, so he is not rooting for anyone.

The Yankees fan asks him if he’s a Red Sox fan or something. The man next to him says he is not a Red Sox fan, and is not rooting against either team.

The Yankees fan asks the man next to him which team he roots for. The man next to him says he is not a baseball fan at all and does not root for anyone.

The Yankees fan asks him if he’s a fag, or if he never learned how to play. The man next to him fingers his wedding ring and says he understands the rules of baseball and even played as a child.

The Yankees fan asks him if he is a basketball, football, or even hockey fan. The man next to him replies that he has other things in his life that make him happy besides sports.

The Yankees fan then tells the man that he is what is wrong with the country, and that America is obese because there is not enough support for athletics.

The man next to him points out the Yankees fan's sagging beer gut is evidence that being a fan of a sport does not make you in shape, and that there is exercise other than sports, and some sports like golf or fishing are not even exercise.

The Yankees fan tells the man baseball keeps kids off of drugs and out of trouble, and that he is probably a drug addict for how skinny he is, and probably a vegetarian who drives a Prius.

The man next to him orders hot wings and reminds the Yankees fan of use of steroids in the modern era and rampant amphetamine use during the "golden era," not to mention the increasingly long wrap-sheet of professional athletes who pose as role models for children.

The Yankees fan finishes his beer and goes over to the pool table and begins to argue with a large man in a Mets hat. The man who was sitting next to him calmly sits and finishes his beer while waiting for his wings.

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