Intercepted Prayers, and God’s Answers

Why can’t gay people get married?

I figured they had a hard enough time being gay.

Can you please help me find a job so I can take care of my family?

No.

What is the best thing I can do today?

What you wanted to do yesterday.

Where the hell is that pizza I ordered?

Getting cold in the delivery driver’s car as he cruises around smoking pot.

Why did you make pre-teen girls so hot?

I think a better question is, why did I make men such perverts?

How can I find my true love?

By not looking.

Is time travel possible?

You can’t travel back in time, but you can make time basically stand still by listening to someone read poetry.

Which religion is right?

None of them.

Is global warming real?

Oh, sorry about that, I turned the heat up. I’m just really old, and you know how cold we get.

If you should love your neighbor, why do you hate Satan?

He’s not my neighbor. Why do you think we built the pearly gates? To keep out Jehovah’s Witnesses?

Do you ever sleep?

I’m asleep right now, and your reality is my dream. Better hope I don’t wake up.

What is a good question to ask you?

Usually, the best questions for me are those that require no reply.

Are you a boy or a girl?

Neither, I’m all grown up.

Is there such a thing as fate?

No, but I knew you were going to ask that.

Are you a Republican or a Democrat?

Neither. I’m Israeli, not American.

What do you do when you get bored?

Check in on Japan.

Why do you want to be worshiped?

For the same reason you want to believe I’m watching everything you do. It’s nice to get attention.

Was Casey Anthony guilty?

Well… she wasn’t found guilty…

Do you mind if I smoke?

Why not? Then you can ask me in person sooner.

Did Hitler get into Heaven?

Just long enough to see there are Jews here.

What are you wearing?

That’ll cost you $6.99 for the first minute and $2.99 for each additional minute.

What is the worst sin?

Not believing in me, followed closely by people who talk on their cell phones in theaters.

What’s the easiest way to convert someone to the truth?

Look at the facts and change your mind.

Do you like the name “God?”

It suits me.

Whose side were you on during the American Civil War?

Death’s, and Death always wins in a war.

Did you write the laws of physics?

No, though I was closely involved in the revision process.

What is the meaning of life?

Oh look at the time…