Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Very [Religiously] Compelling Argument For Zeus

Over the years, I have learned a thing or two about religious logic (my third favorite oxymoron, behind only “Microsoft Works” and “business ethics”). It is in this spirit that I call on all Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, and especially Scientologists to see the light...ning and convert to Zeusism.

Zeus is a god you can see and hear. The next time there’s a storm, just look outside your window. Can you explain lightning? Not even the experts can, and if you show me one who claims to, I will call him a vicious liar and an ivory-tower egghead with an anti-Zeus agenda. I’ll do it, I swear to Zeus.

Now, besides that incontrovertible evidence (as if you need more…), there is the small matter of Zeus worship going back to ancient times. All the great civilizations of the West celebrated Zeus, and his absence caused the Dark Ages. It was not until the Renaissance artists brought us back in contact with our Heavenly Father, Zeus, that we managed to drag ourselves out of the ignorance of Yahweh’s shadow.

You see, there can’t be one god. That is just ludicrous. Who would Yahweh’s parents be, no one? Yeah, that explains everything… but when you find out Yahweh is just the child of some other gods, who are the children of other gods… and let me just stop you there and assure you, it’s all explained in the end. Needless to say, Yahweh comes from a long line of liars, and his clever attempts to usurp the favor of mankind has only led to uncivilized violence (as opposed to civilized Greek and Roman violence).

And before we bicker about semantics, let us all come to an understanding that those who worship Zeus and those who worship Jupiter can all agree… that Zeus came first and is way better. Therefore, his priests (including my humble self) ought to hold primacy, lording over the inferior Jupiter cult.

Now, we want everyone to make the free choice to join our religion… but since some of you have been brainwashed by an evil spirit, we may have to subject you to torture in order to extract a conversion. Large auditoriums playing “Clash of the Titains” in horribly done 3D will be set up for resistant citizens to be Clockwork Oranged in.

Our first and primary concern upon taking power will be to stop the common usage of lightning rods. These horrible inventions divert the wrathful vengeance of the King of the Gods, and it spits in the face of his authority. It is for Zeus to decide what is destroyed, not meddling homeowners.

That is all. Praise be to Zeus.


  1. I would never deny Zeus' glory, but I have to say I'm a bit more partial to Bacchus and Proteus as patrons. Can I still be part of the revolution if I only make sacrifices to Zeus on the major Holy Days?

  2. What Zeus doesn't see won't hurt you.

  3. Well played Sir,well played. Your logic is undeniable. I pray to Athena that people gain the wisdom to accept her father who is on Mount Olympus.

  4. Lemme tell ya... the Thorians are pissed. I'm glad to see so much support, because those guys are big.

  5. You seem to focus on Zeus alone. This is a mistake, the Gods of ancient Hellas function in their multitude.

  6. Zeus is tired of the competition, my friend. He told me Himself.

  7. "What Zeus doesn't see won't hurt you. "

    I'm watching!


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