Funny Bible Quote: Christmas Edition!

This is what the LORD says:
Do not learn the ways of the nations
or be terrified by signs in the sky,
though the nations are terrified by them.

For the customs of the peoples are worthless;
they cut a tree out of the forest,
and a craftsman shapes it with his chisel.

They adorn it with silver and gold;
they fasten it with hammer and nails
so it will not totter.

~ Jeremiah 10:1-4, NIV

Wishing everyone a Merry Heathen Christmas!

Funny Bible Quote #27

As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.

~ Proverbs 26:11, KJV

Silent Night

I have changed my mind on a number of things. I have gone from Catholic to "spiritual seeker" to atheist. I have gone from free market capitalist to communist to market socialist. I have gone from Democrat to Libertarian to unaffiliated independent. I have gone from hopeless romantic to womanizing man-whore to happily married. I haven't had the most interesting life, but I sometimes feel I have more experience in some areas than the average person - at least for a 26 year old (so young... so dumb).

I would not have had such a life without exposure to so many different ideas and people. At any time, I could have shut out what is different. I could have ignored people who disagreed with me. I could have just nodded and smiled at every opportunity to argue. But the truth is I couldn't.

I have an inability to remain silent in the face of opposition. I don't particularly relish conflict, but if I hear someone say something I think is stupid and it comes down to politely backing off or telling them they are flat out wrong, I have yet to find the situation where I respectfully bow out of the conversation.

I find discussion of ideas with people who think very differently to be not only refreshing and novel, but beneficial to my intellectual development. I'm not done learning, even though school ended for me years ago. Besides being exposed to new ideas that I may choose to adopt, arguing with someone whose ideas I have found to be inaccurate tends to strengthen my understanding.

It's a strange situation, that the same activity can yield such paradoxical results. On one hand, arguing with someone has the common tendency to entrench the participants, playing off the stubborn nature of both debaters. Yet, polarization is not the only outcome. In fact, it is only through engaging those who are different that we can ever hope to change - or improve.

Will I one day grow old and look back on the heated discussions I had with others and feel proud, or will I be ashamed? Only time will tell, but right now I am glad I have never kept my piece just to keep peace. I am not out to change other peoples' minds, only to develop my own. The more I express my opinions and open them up to the world of criticism, the stronger they will become. I want ideas forged in fire, not soft and comfortable belief. It is comfort enough to know that I have formulated the best ideology that I could have possibly developed for myself.

Am I always right? Of course not, but one day I hope to be. True, I can never know everything, but I can aspire to know a few subjects very thoroughly. One thing I do know: you can't learn anything by being silent. One must engage in meaningful discussion, no matter how foolish it may make you appear. Listening is important, but if all you do is listen... are you learning or being preached to?

Funny Bible Quote #26

If only you would be altogether silent! For you, that would be wisdom.

~ Job 13:5, NIV

Funny Bible Quote #25

Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.

~ Proverbs 21:19, NIV

Funny Bible Quote #24

Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created.

~ Revelation 4:11, KJV

Snowed In

We got a lot of snow, so I took pictures and realized I had lots of old photos I hadn’t transferred to my computer yet. I figured I’d share them, since some aren’t too bad.

We got 23 inches (over 58 cm) of snow. Not the most I’ve ever seen, having lived in Michigan, but still pretty impressive. Here’s the pics:

There were also pictures on my camera from me and my wife’s trip to Virginia, when we stopped in DC.

First we have some pics of us trying to get my wife, our dog, myself, and the Washington Monument in the background.

We did this all over Europe with great success, though we didn’t have the dog. A guy in a nice pinstripe suit came over and offered to help us take a photo. This is the result:

I also took a shot with my wife and our dog, Barkley, in front of the reflecting pool:

We also saw the Lincoln Memorial:

This is a shot of the Washington Monument from the Lincoln Memorial steps:

And the White House, complete with Christmas tree:

Too bad the new season of Dexter and Californication are over… nothing to do or look forward to on this snowy Sunday, besides waiting for the weather to let up so we can pack and head halfway across the country to my parents’ house.

Funny Bible Quote #23

God thundereth marvellously with his voice; great things doeth he, which we cannot comprehend.

For he saith to the snow, Be thou on the earth; likewise to the small rain, and to the great rain of his strength.

~ Job 37:5-6, KJV

Christianity: The Mentor of Atheism

Before monotheism, there was polytheism. Polytheists did not think of themselves as polytheists. They didn’t write books about polytheism. They merely wrote about many gods as if it was essentially “assumed knowledge.”

Sure, people preferred some gods over others. If you lived in Athens, Athena might be important to you. If you were a farmer, you might make sacrifices to Cybele . If you were a noble or ruler of some kind, you would look to the divine king Zeus. It was usually not a matter of asking oneself, “Which god or goddess is more powerful?” but rather, “Which god or goddess is most appropriate for me?” This is a concept known as henotheism, which is the preferential worship of one god while still acknowledging the presence – and power – of other gods.

Enter monotheism. We don’t know when the original Hebrew texts took on their current tone, but clearly at some point long ago the Jews decided to not only worship their god above all others, but also to demote all other gods to inferior status.

This practice got them into trouble from time to time. Israel was a hotbed of political problems when held by Jews, from the early conflicts resulting – twice – in the destruction of their most sacred temple, to their current inability to share and play nicely with goyum.

However, monotheism was contained for a long time. It was practiced by a fringe group for centuries before it went viral. With the adoption of Jewish theology in a framework that was compatible with any ethnic background, the idea of monotheism spread from port to port throughout the Mediterranean in the form of Christianity.

Christianity seems archaic and superstitious today, but it was second only to the Epicureans when it came to skepticism during the first millennia CE in Europe. In fact, Christianity was so successful as a form of skepticism, they left almost no trace of nearly any competing religion. Europe was dimmed by a Dark Age of ignorance and territorial disputes until their violence spilled over into the Middle East.

Initially possessed by an intent to conquer, Europe came away from the numerous crusades with little political gain and mountains of knowledge that their ancestors had burned as heretical. An interest in Classical philosophy, especially Plato and Aristotle, set the tone for scientific advancement that culminated in the Renaissance.

We are now in the final phases of Christianity. Thanks to Christian skepticism, there are very few of the deceptive magicians who prey on the gullible. Now, the logical conclusion is that the other gods lost all their influence once we stopped believing, so disbelief in The God™ will bring about the end for Christianity.

Christianity, and all monotheistic faiths, are merely incomplete forms of skeptical atheism. They recognize the sham implicit in praying to a god’s statue and expecting a more desirable outcome, unless it’s their God (statue or abstract).

One thing atheism has learned should be unlearned. Christianity grew to singular prominence not by virtue of their theological arguments, but by force. For centuries, Christianity was inseparable from European governance, and therefore was “guilty” of being the religion followed by many people who did wicked things in the name of their religion.

One thing atheists must not do is follow in these footsteps… again. It is wrong to force religion upon a person, but it is equally wrong to wrest it away. Not only is it no one’s place to police the minds of human beings, no good can come from forcibly censoring others. The religious must always be allowed to voice their opinions, and must never feel they need to hide their faith.

When governments attempt to tell people what to believe, people resist – even those who would otherwise agree. I for one would strongly oppose any measure to destroy churches or deport people of a particular faith (Scientologists don’t count as people… I mean, they’re “aliens,” or whatever, right?). Besides, if religion was “abolished,” what would we blog about?

Funny Bible Quote #22

The book of the generation of Jesus Christ, the son of David, the son of Abraham.

Abraham begat Isaac; and Isaac begat Jacob; and Jacob begat Judas and his brethren;

And Judas begat Phares and Zara of Thamar; and Phares begat Esrom; and Esrom begat Aram;

And Aram begat Aminadab; and Aminadab begat Naasson; and Naasson begat Salmon;

And Salmon begat Booz of Rachab; and Booz begat Obed of Ruth; and Obed begat Jesse;

And Jesse begat David the king; and David the king begat Solomon of her that had been the wife of Urias;

And Solomon begat Roboam; and Roboam begat Abia; and Abia begat Asa;

And Asa begat Josaphat; and Josaphat begat Joram; and Joram begat Ozias;

And Ozias begat Joatham; and Joatham begat Achaz; and Achaz begat Ezekias;

And Ezekias begat Manasses; and Manasses begat Amon; and Amon begat Josias;

And Josias begat Jechonias and his brethren, about the time they were carried away to Babylon:

And after they were brought to Babylon, Jechonias begat Salathiel; and Salathiel begat Zorobabel;

And Zorobabel begat Abiud; and Abiud begat Eliakim; and Eliakim begat Azor;

And Azor begat Sadoc; and Sadoc begat Achim; and Achim begat Eliud;

And Eliud begat Eleazar; and Eleazar begat Matthan; and Matthan begat Jacob;

And Jacob begat Joseph the husband of Mary, of whom was born Jesus, who is called Christ.

~ Matthew 1:1-16, KJV

[Why is it funny? In 38 other examples, the lineage is father to son, but Joseph has no relation to Jesus. Jesus is only a “son of David” if he is related to Joseph.]

Math and the Bible

I’d like to mathematically disprove Creationism, using the Bible.

By the most liberal estimates, the Bible describes 10,000 years of history. Most put it under 6 thousand, but we’ll give the benefit of the doubt. In 2 Peter 3:8, we find: “But, beloved, do not forget this one thing, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.” So I did the math:

10,000 God Years x 365.24 Days/Year = 3,652,400 God Days
3,652,400 God Days x 1000 Human Years/God Days = 3,652,400,000 (3.65 billion) Human Years

The Earth is over 4 billion years old, not to mention the universe being much, much older. Even with metaphors, the Bible is a joke.

Funny Bible Quote #21

And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to be avenged of the king's enemies. But Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines.

And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to be the king's son in law: and the days were not expired.

Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.

~ 1 Samuel 18:25-27, KJV

Pancriticism

I think there’s too much doubt these days, but I can’t be sure.

No, I am sure. I’m sick of people who act like maybe the sun won’t come up tomorrow.

“Nothing can be sure,” except I think they wrote that saying when we treated disease with leeches and mercury. Today, we go about our incredibly complex lives with a subtle confidence in millions of tiny things.

We trust our alarm to wake us up. We trust that hot water will come out of the shower faucet. We trust that the cleaning products we use will get us clean. We trust that our mode of transportation will get us from where we live to where we work without killing us. We trust that our employer will pay us. We trust that our family will love us. We trust that when we sit our fat asses on the couch and touch a hand-held piece of plastic, that a TV will magically come on, and that somewhere hundreds, maybe even thousands of miles away - in a place you have never been - that people produced your favorite show, which will appear on your television set at a pre-ordained time.

I think sometimes people get hung up on the fine details. I am more of a big-picture person. I take in many details, but since I respect no one, I don’t agree with most of what I read. Anything I agree with is something I have been presented many times and which I find accurate when applied as an explanation for particular phenomena.

There are so many things in this life that we trust every day, we just take them for granted. We get hung up on details, perhaps because it’s so fun to take something out of context.

Funny Bible Quote #20

And Ehud came unto him; and he was sitting in a summer parlour, which he had for himself alone. And Ehud said, I have a message from God unto thee. And he arose out of his seat.

And Ehud put forth his left hand, and took the dagger from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly:

And the haft also went in after the blade; and the fat closed upon the blade, so that he could not draw the dagger out of his belly; and the dirt [excrement] came out.

~ Judges 3:20-22, KJV

Divine Gender

What I’m about to say may surprise some of you. Maybe not the women, but it will shock the guys. I have come to find out that God is, in fact, a female. Think about it. God created life by birthing the universe. God raised man and taught him the rules to live by. Man was made in God’s likeness, but before woman. Therefore, when woman was created, God clearly already had practice. Eve is more closely related to God, as she was a second attempt, and more apt to be done right.

Also, God always needs reassurance. The Biblical God is an insecure God, and She must be praised often in order for Her to be reminded of just how wonderful of a God She is. She does an often thankless job: cooking up the universe, raising Her billions of children, all while fighting with Satan (clearly a scorned ex-husband). All She asks in return is a little gratitude… and money.

God always needs money. This clearly indicates that She doesn’t hold a job while raising the universe. I’m not judging; I’m glad She’s keeping an eye on things rather than wearing a gaudy blazer and showing homes to young couples who cannot afford them. However, let’s face it, God can never get enough alms, donations or tithes.

God’s female gender can help account for the staggering number of inconsistencies in the Bible regarding God’s personality. God is very jealous of other Gods. “Don’t you dare look at that golden calf over there! Oh I know you didn’t just say something about Me under your breath, mister. That’s blasphemy!” Which reminds me, God also clearly has a menstrual cycle. God will be extremely kind one minute… then the hormones kick in. The next thing you know, an earthquake knocks your house down. The whole Noah’s ark flood thing? Talk about a heavy flow. That was one nasty case of cosmic PMS. She was bitter during the Old Testament because of the whole break-up with Satan, but God got the house in the divorce, once again proving She’s female, and the birth of Her child seemed to calm her down.

Other personality traits of God can be more easily explained once one realizes God is female. God claims to know everything and is always “right.” If you upset God, She makes you sleep in the dog house… for eternity. Of course, if you admit you’re wrong and say how sorry you are, She will forgive you, ’cause that’s just the kind of girl She is. No matter how much you abuse Her, She keeps taking us back. God is a co-dependent housewife. She sticks by Her man: Mankind.

Funny Bible Quote #19

And I say unto thee, Let my son go, that he may serve me: and if thou refuse to let him go, behold, I will slay thy son, even thy firstborn.

And it came to pass by the way in the inn, that the Lord met him, and sought to kill him.

Then Zipporah took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me.

So he let him go: then she said, A bloody husband thou art, because of the circumcision.

And the Lord said to Aaron, Go into the wilderness to meet Moses. And he went, and met him in the mount of God, and kissed him.

~ Exodus 4:23-27, KJV

Obituary: Oral Roberts

Televangelist Oral Roberts died today at age 91, illustrating once again that the good die young. His legacy will likely be Oral Roberts University, which he founded in Tulsa, Oklahoma, 1963 (colleges are a huge racket).

I’ll remember him for his claim that Jesus came to him in a vision and commissioned him to find a cure for cancer. Below: CitiPlex office complex, originally built as the Oral Roberts’s City of Faith Medical and Research Center.

It turns out non-evolution based biology doesn’t really… exist.

Funny Bible Quote #18

A quarrelsome wife is like
a constant dripping on a rainy day;

restraining her is like restraining the wind
or grasping oil with the hand.

~ Proverbs 27:15-16, NIV

Funny Bible Quote[s] #17

You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere men?

~ 1 Corinthians 3:3, NIV



For thou shalt worship no other god: for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God:

Lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land, and they go a whoring after their gods, and do sacrifice unto their gods, and one call thee, and thou eat of his sacrifice;

And thou take of their daughters unto thy sons, and their daughters go a whoring after their gods, and make thy sons go a whoring after their gods.

~ Exodus 34:14-16, KJV

Personal Chuckle

I usually have a personal rule about commenting on still open polls/quizzes, but I just couldn’t wait.

The question: In which language is the New Testament originally written?

The answers: Herbew, Aramaic, Latin, Greek

Hebrew is the language of the books Christians collectively call “The Old Testament” (which is more or less the Jewish Tanakh). I’m going out on a limb here, but I’m guessing most of the people who guessed this are Jewish. My wife’s blog sends a lot of traffic to my site, so I think it’s a fair assumption.

One person said Aramaic. This is the pseudo-intellectual Christian answer. The person who answered this clearly knew Jesus spoke Aramaic, so they just figured, “Well, if his buddies wrote the New Testament, clearly they wrote it in Aramaic. Plus, wasn’t ‘The Passion of the Christ’ in Aramaic?”

Catholics probably answered Latin. Not all Catholics, since I know I was taught in CCD that the New Testament was written in Greek, and that the Latin Vulgate is merely an accepted translation. Maybe someone who knew Roman ideology had such an influence on Christianity also took a stab that it was Latin.

Greek was the scholarly language of the early Roman Empire. Specifically, Koine (or common) Greek was the lingua franca (primary language) during the centuries leading up to and proceeding Jesus.

Greek is the language in which the New Testament was written. The earliest works attributed as books of the New Testament were Paul’s epistles/letters. The earliest Gospel is Mark’s, dating no earlier than 65 CE. Nothing in the New Testament was written anyone who ever met Jesus. The New Testament is a work of Greek literature, relying heavily on Platonic philosophy.

Just something to chuckle about.

Funny Bible Quote #16

And Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the Lord; and the Lord slew him.

And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother.

And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it [semen] on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.

And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore He slew him also.

~ Genesis 38:7-10, KJV with clarification added

Funny Bible Quote #15

Then the Lord awoke as from sleep, as a man wakes from the stupor of wine.

~ Psalm 78:65, NIV