Funny Bible Quote #73

The wise will be put to shame; they will be dismayed and trapped. Since they have rejected the word of the Lord, what kind of wisdom do they have?

Therefore I will give their wives to other men and their fields to new owners. From the least to the greatest, all are greedy for gain; prophets and priests alike, all practice deceit.

~ Jeremish 8:9-10, NIV

Public Bible Study

It has been brought to my attention that the Tennessee state Board of Education has approved a curriculum for teaching the Bible.

At this point, I urge you to read the article in its entirety, and perhaps guess how I feel about the matter:

NASHVILLE, TN - Tennessee's state Board of Education has approved guidelines on how to teach the Bible in public high schools despite concern that the curriculum could be challenged in court.

Legislation approved in 2008 authorized a course for a "nonsectarian, nonreligious academic study of the Bible" in public schools.

State officials said they tried to develop principles that are safe from legal challenge, but some say a state-approved Bible course could violate the separation of church and state.

The course will teach students about the content of the Bible and its historical context. It's an elective, meaning high schools can choose whether to offer it to students as a social studies credit, and students can decide whether to take it.

So, how “should” atheists feel about it?

I think the real question is: should atheists even care? The only argument I can even imagine would be “they could be learning something more useful.” Like what, Shakespeare? Come to think of it, I read all kinds of texts about gods and heros: Beowulf, the Odyssey, the Iliad, the Aeneid, as well as all sorts of Roman, Norse, Chinese, and African mythology.

Then again, I went to a private school that also allowed us to read from the Bible. It didn’t brainwash me or anyone I knew. If anything, it was my peer-pressure on friends that successfully deconverted people. The Bible is just not that powerful.

The article is too short, but there will be some problems with the school board’s plan. My main concern: which translation will be used? Which sect of Christianity will be marginalized? My schools avoided this by choosing scholarly translations (such as the Oxford editions), but I’m curious what Tennessee has decided.

Considering this atheist’s tolerance for legitimizing Bible study as a high school credit, maybe I can use this as an opportunity to leverage an issue dear to my heart: please remove “under God” from the pledge, or better yet just scrap the entire Orwellian practice of having children recite an oath they do not even understand.

So go ahead, teach the Bible in the classrooms. Let students see where some of societies strange prejudices come from. Atheists ought to be encouraging every believer to actually pick up a Bible and read it. Have you read it? It’s bat-shit insane.

This decision also gives creationists what they’ve been having wet-dreams about for decades: a chance to preach Genesis in classrooms. Maybe now they can shut up about teaching theology in science class. They can take their Biblical denial lessons in private, even if it is at tax-payer expense.

[story courtesy of Brittany at Small Dog. Big Stick.]

Funny Bible Quote #72

You may say to yourselves, "How can we know when a message has not been spoken by the Lord?" If what a prophet proclaims in the name of the Lord does not take place or come true, that is a message the Lord has not spoken. That prophet has spoken presumptuously. Do not be afraid of him.

~ Deuteronomy 18:21-22, NIV

Atheist Prophecy #5

The holy shall be trampled by young steeds
The horsemen shall cover the five point spread

Funny Bible Quote #71

At that time the sign of the Son of Man will appear in the sky, and all the nations of the earth will mourn. They will see the Son of Man coming on the clouds of the sky, with power and great glory. And he will send his angels with a loud trumpet call, and they will gather his elect from the four winds, from one end of the heavens to the other.

Now learn this lesson from the fig tree: As soon as its twigs get tender and its leaves come out, you know that summer is near. Even so, when you see all these things, you know that it is near, right at the door. I tell you the truth, this generation will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened.

~ Matthew 24:30-34, NIV

Funny Bible Quote #70

And he said unto them, Verily I say unto you, that there be some of them that stand here, which shall not taste of death, till they have seen the kingdom of God come with power.

~ Mark 9:1, KJV

Airport Scanners or Why I Plan to Stop Flying

The full-body airport scanners were invasive when they provided a nude image of the passenger. Now that I find out they use X-Rays to do this, I have to wonder: are we really so stupid that we would sacrifice our health for the illusion of security?

Sure, they “tested” it. On children? Infants? Pregnant women? The workers who will sit near it all day? Let me share with you the recipe for public health nightmare:

1 part rushed product
1 part widespread use

That’s it. That’s all it takes. It’s so easy even a car with Down’s Syndrome like the Toyota Prius can do it.

Body scanners aren’t necessary. It will not stop terrorism. It is another prop in the theatre of security that airports are forced to put on daily in order to help us believe we are safe. As long as our foreign policy decisions piss people off, people in other countries will hate us. Of course, there’s far more deaths involving Americans killing Americans, but for some reason it’s more terrifying to be killed by a foreigner.

If you’re a terrorist, here’s what you do: get someone a job as a baggage handler and have him throw a bunch of bombs on a bunch of planes on July 4th. Or, use plastic box cutters to take the plane. It doesn’t take a genius to circumvent our “security.” Next, they’ll probably shove the bomb up their ass, and everyone will have to be given a full body cavity search before boarding.

Wouldn’t it be nice to see this kind of invasion of privacy was being directed at real issues, like politicians and their integrity? I’m curious what it is they all have up their ass. I might actually watch C-SPAN for that: Congressional colonoscopies.

Funny Bible Quote #69

Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost. Then Joseph her husband, being a just man, and not willing to make her a public example [stone her to death], was minded to put her away privily [divorce].

But while he thought on these things, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost. And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name Jesus: for he shall save his people from their sins.

Now all this was done, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken of the Lord by the prophet, saying, Behold, a virgin shall be with child, and shall bring forth a son, and they shall call his name Emmanuel [Isaiah 7:14], which being interpreted is, God with us.

Then Joseph being raised from sleep did as the angel of the Lord had bidden him, and took unto him his wife: and knew her not till she had brought forth her firstborn son: and he called his name Jesus [meaning: God saves].

~ Matthew 1:18-25, KJV

Me, Myself, and I

I had read this, commented on it, and forgotten about it. Forever In Hell jogged my memory, and it got me thinking…

I am, in fact, made up of three parts.

I have long felt this, even before reading Freudian psychology. So, I began to think about me, myself, and I.

The earliest version must be me, developed in childhood. “Me me me, gimme gimme gimme.” That’s me, plain and simple. [Me says he’s a Libtertarian, but he always votes Republican.]

Then came myself, sometime around the “age of reason,” when one begins to not only ask questions, but to seek more than the first answer given. For me, this was all the way back in high school (I can’t recall when because I was too high and drunk). This is the public persona the average person meeting me will be exposed to: a bumbling fool who thinks he can smile and joke his way out of any situation.

I will have nothing to do me. I cannot even be said to be a part of myself. I is an ideal. A single capital letter is used to denote I, looking like a pedestal on which a statue (perhaps of a god) is placed to be admired. I can only be expressed when myself successfully anticipates and executes the actions of I. I cannot be blamed for anything, for I cannot be said to do anything but provide advice prior to a decision and guilt after a poor choice.

Frankly, I could do without me, but I would not be surprised if myself takes pity on me. In all actuality, we’re all just too entertained by me to leave him behind.

Funny Bible Quote #68

Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child; children will rebel against their parents and have them put to death. All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved. When you are persecuted in one place, flee to another. I tell you the truth, you will not finish going through the cities of Israel before the Son of Man comes.

~ Matthew 10:21-23, NIV

Atheist Integrity

Atheism has no integrity. Atheism is not even a coherent group or idea capable of possessing such a quality. In fact, atheism to me is not so much a defensible stance as it is the reality which has never been successfully challenged. One need not build a wall around atheism when not a single stone of truth has been hurled by theism. However, sometimes atheists would have you believe atheism is all about integrity, and that atheists are better people.

The premise: Atheism makes one a more law-abiding citizen.

The facts: There are proportionately less atheists in jail.

The flaws: Correlation does not equal causation.

It is true, there aren’t a lot of atheists in prison, and yet we make up about 10-20% of the population. As discussed in the comments of a previous post, these are statistics of criminals in jail. To my knowledge, there is no data regarding the actual statistics of a criminal’s religion at the time of conviction. Even if there is, it is irrelevant for several reasons.

Atheists are an unusual demographic. They tend to be more affluent. They are more likely to have a college degree. In short, they’re not likely to be convicted of a crime. I choose my words carefully, because I know full well that they are not less likely to commit crimes, they’re just more likely to get away with it scot-free. Why? The affluent hire better lawyers, have a more professional courtroom presence (see also: white), and/or just have the money to soundproof their basement and get away with anything.

Then there is the small matter of whether law-abiding is the measure by which we judge a person’s morality. I for one think many criminals have done nothing morally wrong, perhaps because I feel many laws are unjust. There are many legal actions taken by individuals which are much worse than using drugs or prostitution. I think our Puritanism should go the way of the Puritans. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust…

Atheism has no integrity, but atheists with integrity already know this.

Funny Bible Quote #67

As they approached Jerusalem and came to Bethphage on the Mount of Olives, Jesus sent two disciples, saying to them, "Go to the village ahead of you, and at once you will find a donkey tied there, with her colt by her. Untie them and bring them to me. If anyone says anything to you, tell him that the Lord needs them, and he will send them right away."

~ Matthew 21:1-3, NIV

Obama and Israel

If you want to see Obama really squirm after a tough question, check this out...

I had happened to see this when I sat down to eat lunch the day after the State of the Union. I turned on the TV and began eating. I almost changed the channel, but Obama’s speech was wrapping up and he said he would take questions. He took off his jacket and called on a young woman who apparently had a huge crowd all making noise and pointing to her. This is where the video picks up.


At some point in the middle of asking her question, I literally put my fork down, stood up, and put my hands on my head in disbelief and excitement. I screamed, “Yes!” even though I was home by myself. If my brain had been in that woman’s head, I would have asked a nearly identical question. I am eternally grateful to her for confronting him on this.

Obama stutters and stalls for 25 seconds before seemingly remembering what he’s supposed to say. He launches into a stock answer…

- the region has been in turmoil for “centuries” (false)
- Israel is a strong ally (friends don’t call friends murderers?)
- Israel is a democracy (true, but irrelevant)
- Obama vows to help keep them “secure”

I am glad Obama does finally get around to pointing out that Palestinians are “hopeless,” though I think he reveals how mentally distant he is from the question when he mentions Palestinians should, in fact, be given the opportunity to “find jobs.” Well, we know what Obama prepped himself to talk about…

I’d like to fantasize a moment and write what I want to hear a US president say:

“We condemn Israeli terrorism in all its forms, both wanton acts of violence at the hands of the sanctioned military and by civilian invaders (a.k.a. “settlers”) occupying and expanding upon land that has already been designated as Palestinian (even after Israeli wars of expansion increased the original allotment).

“We will cease all aid to Israel, and impose sanctions that are appropriate for a rogue nation with nuclear and chemical weapons. We will use the billions saved to improve schools, so that tomorrow’s children are not woefully ignorant of the past.

“We will provide asylum to all Israelis, as they will soon find they are not welcome anywhere.”

America has given over $2 billion per year to Israel since the 80’s. AIPAC (American Israel Public Affairs Committee) is one of the most powerful and wealthiest lobby groups in Washington. Taking them all in as citizens will not have any effect on our government; Jewish interests could not possibly be any more over-represented.

This is no coincidence, and any moron who is presented the facts can connect these dots. The Muslim world has figured it out, and it’s one of the main recruiting issues for Muslims who rally against the US. Muslims don’t hate us for our freedoms, they just hate having their freedoms encroached.

The single most important foreign policy decision this country could ever make would be to cease the funding of Israel and all governments that are hostile towards their neighbors, both now and in the future.

Aiding in the atrocities of others (when we aren’t busy committing our own, of course) is a recurring theme throughout this nation’s history. I hope I am not alive to experience what happens when we get a taste of our own medicine [My money is on China or India, but Brazil wouldn't surprise me.]

Funny Bible Quote #66

As they approached Jerusalem and came to Bethphage and Bethany at the Mount of Olives, Jesus sent two of his disciples, saying to them, "Go to the village ahead of you, and just as you enter it, you will find a colt tied there, which no one has ever ridden. Untie it and bring it here. If anyone asks you, 'Why are you doing this?' tell him, 'The Lord needs it and will send it back here shortly.'"

~ Mark 11:1-3, NIV

Orphans, Laws, and Mercy

By now, most have heard about the Baptists who were arrested with a bus full of Haitian kids crossing into the Dominican Republic. The Prime Minister of Haiti is claiming the they “know what they were doing was wrong” and that “It is clear now that some of the children have live parents.”

Honestly, I don’t think these missionaries knew what they were doing was wrong. In fact, I’m almost positive these people were too stupid to realize that what they were doing was illegal, and that they surely believed it was even a righteous and praiseworthy deed. Unfortunately for the world, a mountain of best intentions does not hold as much weight as a handful of atrocious results.

In fact, this is one of the reasons we need laws. Laws are meant to standardize how we handle various situations. Laws are meant to allow us to treat all situations the same, regardless of emotional distortion. It is good to have laws, because without them we would have millions of people trying to act in their own “good” way. “I bet my neighbor would just love it if I cut down this tree between our lawns...” Yeah, what could go wrong?

In times of disaster, anarchy is a temporary reality. Many people continue to do good during these trying times, but they often do bad things in the name of good (or simple survival), without even realizing the injustice. Without the oversight of a stable society enforcing rules, this happens more often than it should.

What’s worse, some people use disaster to capitalize off of others. Looting is rampant, and some even seek to profit from those reaching out to help the victims by running charity scams. These are the kinds of people who should face the full force of justice.

The Baptist “human traffickers” were wrong, but it pales in comparison to the real criminals who seek to lead children to a life of slavery or forced prostitution. The rules are there to stop both the ignorant and the monstrous among us. However, mercy ought to be shown for the former.

I am glad the bus was stopped and the children can be properly documented. Hopefully some of them do find their families, and I wish each and every one of the true orphans could be adopted out through legal channels to a loving home. Finally, I trust that leniency will be shown on the naïve fools who thought that “doing God’s work” supersedes the laws of man.

Funny Bible Quote #65

After an all-night march from Gilgal, Joshua took them by surprise. The Lord threw them into confusion before Israel, who defeated them in a great victory at Gibeon. Israel pursued them along the road going up to Beth Horon and cut them down all the way to Azekah and Makkedah. As they fled before Israel on the road down from Beth Horon to Azekah, the Lord hurled large hailstones down on them from the sky, and more of them died from the hailstones than were killed by the swords of the Israelites.

On the day the Lord gave the Amorites over to Israel, Joshua said to the Lord in the presence of Israel: "O sun, stand still over Gibeon, O moon, over the Valley of Aijalon."

So the sun stood still, and the moon stopped, till the nation avenged itself on its enemies, as it is written in the Book of Jashar. The sun stopped in the middle of the sky and delayed going down about a full day. There has never been a day like it before or since, a day when the Lord listened to a man. Surely the Lord was fighting for Israel!

~ Joshua 10:9-13, NIV

Funny Bible Quote #64

Then the Lord answered Job out of the storm. He said: Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me.

Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone- while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?

Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb, when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness, when I fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place, when I said, "This far you may come and no farther; here is where your proud waves halt"?

Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place, that it might take the earth by the edges and shake the wicked out of it? The earth takes shape like clay under a seal; its features stand out like those of a garment.

~ Job 38:12-13, NIV

Personal Ethics: The Art of Letting Yourself Down

There is a pervading idea among Christians that atheists do whatever they want. I can assure you this is not the case. If it were, some Christians I have met would no longer have all their teeth. Restraint is universally practiced by all people in a society, regardless of religious affiliation.

We all want to do bad things. We all want to take things without earning them, to hurt those who hurt us. We have all lied at one time or another. It is only natural to look for the easy way out, to let frustration overpower our logical understanding that it is best to be peaceful. Sometimes we just do horrible, nasty things to others – or even ourselves.

When I read the opinions of Christians regarding the ethics of atheists, my first impulse is usually a strong urge to punch them in the face, and I have to settle for writing a snarky comment (even if it’s in person, not on the internet).

First of all, there is no such thing as “atheist ethics.” Christians have a handy Bible full of ethical scenarios and explicit rules, so there are oodles of things to criticize about Christian morality. Sure, Christians all have different interpretations of the Bible, but atheists are individuals who claim so single source for ethical knowledge.

There is no point in criticizing atheists in general when it comes to ethics, especially since reality has proven that atheists commit less crime. A wise man that Christians ignore (unless it suits their needs) said to remove the plank of wood from your eye before troubling your neighbor with the speck of sawdust in theirs. However, for the purposes of this discussion, let us ignore that fact that atheists make better law-abiding citizens, because I have no interest in convincing the believer of the reality they wish to ignore.

I think the primary claim of theists can be a valid problem. If atheists do whatever they want, and simply deem their actions as acceptable, then clearly they are unethical. However, this sounds to me more like Christians, who ignore parts of the Bible they disagree with while holding dear to their hearts the parts they do agree with. It’s almost as if… people choose for themselves what is right and wrong, regardless of their religion.

This is true: atheist or theist, we all must decide our own moral code. There is nothing special about the ethics of theists versus atheists. Theists kill people despite the Bible being very explicit about murder. Theists steal, cheat, lie, ignore the poor, use their religion for profit… I have seen theists do absolutely everything the Bible preaches to be wrong and hell-worthy. Maybe if there were more atheists, they would do these things often enough for me to observe them doing it, as well. [Cue the Stalin/Mao/Pol Pot comments…]

Which begs the question… why be a Christian? Christians are no more ethical than atheists, especially by their own standards. Christians talk constantly about what an awful sinner they are, about how they need the grace and forgiveness of an Almighty father figure. They don’t explain what that need is about, but I sense it’s the need to get to sleep at night.

Atheists aren’t perfect. Atheists have sinned in all the same ways as theists. We construct our own systems of ethics from many different sources and life experiences. Like Christians, we cannot walk the path of perfection we have laid out for ourselves.

I have a very strict ethical code, and I break it all the time. I shouldn’t get angry, I shouldn’t get in verbal arguments, I shouldn’t do petty things for the sole purpose of annoying someone who has annoyed me. This particular atheist break his own rules, but I don’t redefine them to fit my behavior. I would imagine many atheists are in the same situation.

I need forgiveness, but I seek it from those I have hurt. I can find no solace in imagining a being who simply condones my immorality, even if I’m really sorry and try my best not to do it again. The people who I hurt are still hurt, the things I break are still broken, the lies I tell still float on the lips of others. But if I can take action to correct or compensate, the guilt can at least partially be appeased.

Guilt cannot be washed away by religion. When you let yourself and others down, you are supposed to feel awful. You are supposed to be driven to do something to correct it, and kneeling down to pray for forgiveness won’t do a goddamn thing.

Funny Bible Quote #63

And Methuselah lived an hundred eighty and seven years, and begat Lamech. And Methuselah lived after he begat Lamech seven hundred eighty and two years, and begat sons and daughters: and all the days of Methuselah were nine hundred sixty and nine years: and he died.

~ Genesis 5:25-27, KJV

Religion is Language

I have a penchant for quoting scripture, and it has been called into question by Christians, especially when I use scripture in what appears to be an attempt to convince people to agree with me.

Before I continue, please know this: I am not trying to change anyone’s mind. I wish to entertain, I wish to annoy, I wish to make you snort when you laugh so the person in the next room asks you what’s so funny. I write for the reaction (the emotional response of the reader, not the comments… but those are nice sometimes). Only you can change your mind, and frankly most people change too slowly for me to appreciate it. I’ve usually gone on to bitch about new, more interesting things.

I quote scripture quite often, and for a very important reason: if one wishes to discuss a particular discipline, one must use the language of that discipline if one ever hopes to be taken seriously. I don’t focus on celebrity opinion. I don’t write about Richard Dawkins or what the Pope is up to… unless he’s being tackled on Christmas. I’m not sure if I would even deign post about such an incident were Dawkins to be the victim (why give him the press?).

By having never read anything by Dawkins, Hitchens or any other prominent atheist they decide to throw up on the stage of stupidity from which everyone is so studiously taking notes and glorifying as the epitome of intellectual discourse, I hope to have an untainted canvas on which to work with as I paint my picture of why Christianity is full of shit.

I pick Christianity because it is the faith of my upbringing. I also have a particular beef with the exclusionary theology of monotheism in general, and Christianity is the safest of the three targets. Judaism has had its turn (besides, it’s really my wife’s thing), and Islam is just a parody of religion (and I don’t want my apartment to be broken into). Christianity also has the most influence in the nation in which I live.

In order to criticize something, one must understand it. I have read the Bible several times, sometimes literally Genesis through Revelation. I can honestly say it is not even the best mythology I have read that existed at that time (not even the best parts of it). It had one thing going for it: intolerance. Those who do not tolerate diversity spread homogeny.

Christianity is not some scourge that swept over Europe like a dark wraith. It is imperfect, to be sure, but it is debatable whether it is better or worse than what it replaced. The greatest travesty in it all was the destruction of non-Christian tablets, scrolls, and books. We are left with an incomplete history and incomplete knowledge.

Imagine if tomorrow atheism suddenly became popular, and the works of theists like Newton, Einstein, Kepler, etc. were all torched. We would be plunged into an age of ignorance… one might almost call it a Dark Age. It should not be our fate to repeat history. If knowledge serves humankind any purpose, it is to prevent us from repeating the mistakes of the past.

Luckily, Christianity has made a lot of mistakes. That’s not great news for Christians, but it is splendid news for atheists who hope to learn from them. Christianity has much to teach, it’s just that many of those lessons are not consciously preached. Even the Bible has several unintentional lessons. It is a glorious repository of human psychology: obsession with death, the male desire for a virgin bride, the urge to imagine your mother never having had sex…

However, as Woody Allen pointed out, “Even a clock that’s broken is right twice a day.” Christianity is no clock that’s stopped dead, either. It usually runs just fine (except between gay o’clock and woman-thirty). Not killing, not stealing, treating your neighbor well… no one’s arguing with that stuff. Of course, there are people who think taking a pill and having a heavy period is murder, or that it’s okay to kill a man as long as 12 people agree it’s right, or that strapping a flag on your chest or arm and shooting at someone with a different flag on their chest or arm is acceptable. Murder/abortion/execution/war… semantics.

When I see that guy who shot the abortion doctor, I have to wonder what he’s really angry about. What horrible emotion was he channeling when he decided to end the life of another person in front of the man’s own church. I don’t look at him and see religious nut. He’s religious, and he’s a nut, but the two are unlinked. Most of the atheist blogs I read have posted almost gleefully about the fact that religion made him do it. I assert it did not, religion just failed to prevent him from doing it (it’s just not magical). Personally, I wish the conditions of Roeder’s imprisonment were better. Does that make me more like Jesus than conservatives who want Gitmo detainees tortured and held indefinitely? Yes.

I immerse myself in Christian mythology every day. Jesus is one of the literary characters I’m most familiar with. He is one of many ascetics in our past who advocate a simpler way of life, promising it elevate one to the peak of human potential, and I think there is something to that aspect of religion. Most of us can do better, and it usually requires takes self-control. Christianity just got some of the details wrong.

So imagine my shock when I leave the solitude of my studies to peruse the opinions of believers… and I find them to be an untidy brothel of materialistic whores. My initial reaction is amusement, no doubt about that. However, there is a point when the humor turns into horror. Imagine you are watching a drunk stumble down the sidewalk in a most hilarious fashion, and you laugh yourself silly until he pukes into your convertible, right on the driver’s seat. At this point, it ceases to be funny, and the cheer turns to rage.

I try my best to write when I am in that jovial mood, when I can’t help but double over guffawing at the bizarre behavior of other people. Usually the frustration and anger creeps up, especially when I consider the impact these buffoons have on society. I can search for the words all night, into the wee morning hours, struggling to whet my argument to a razor’s edge, but I know it is futile. The fools… they will not even listen to good advice when it is coming directly from their God. If Christians ignore the Bible, they will most certainly ignore me.

I can’t hope to correct anyone, I can only hope to speak their own language more fluently they than they can. Then, I can enjoy making them look like the fools I have seen them to be for so long. Others can see it to, all I have to do is shine the light upon them for all to view, so we can all share in their obnoxious celebration of ignorance.

When all else fails, laugh.

Funny Bible Quote #62

And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.

~ Genesis 1:29, KJV

The State of Confusion

I sat down last night to watch Obama speak. Here are the complete and unedited notes I took:

- Purple = Red + Blue + Gay Metaphor

- Obama is not a great orator. He only seems to be when compared to Bush.

- Obama is not black. He only seems to be when compared to Bush.

- Obama is so white, he’s not even brown (except his nose).

- Begin by quoting history… you’re losing them, Obama.

- Please stop naming specific towns, it’s almost as annoying as all the specific people’s names used on the campaign trail (“Bob Shitkicker from North Carolina said…” who cares…).

- You and everyone hated the bailout… yet you passed it because it was necessary… without explaining why. Maybe because the truth would be too sad: “We had to, or none of us would be able to fund our next campaign.”

- Geithner looks like he’s some sort of Middle Earth hybrid, the outcome of Gollum raping an elf.

- Republicans sit during “Remove tax breaks from companies that ship jobs overseas” standing ovation. Real Americans…

- Republicans lead the standing ovation for nuclear power and off-shore drilling.

- Alito makes comment during standing ovation over recent ruling.

- Openly threatened Iran. Stupid…

- Military brass sit during “repeal ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’” standing ovation.

I tried to keep track of the number of standing ovations. I can’t find an official count online yet, so I’ll be the first to present how many I counted. I think there were more, but I am confident there were no less than 46. I did count partial ovations, but only when one side of the aisle stood as one. There were many times when only the Democrats stood (a “Demovation,” not to be confused with the Republican only “Dumbovation”).

Funny Bible Quote #61

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.

~ Ephesians 2:8-9, NIV

Where’s Waldo Mary?

When I was a kid, I would sometimes lay in the grass, look up at the sky, and imagine things in the clouds. Turtles, snails, trains, people I knew… they were all up there. Yep, to a kid gazing into the clouds, the whole of existence slowly unfurls in puffy white and gray splendor against an agate blue backdrop.

The Greeks and Romans looked up and saw the abode of the Olympians, towering over us and providing the live-giving rains. The Norse looked up and saw the brains of the evil god Ymir, who was slaughtered by Odin and whose corpse was used to create the world. The Hebrews saw the clouds as a dwelling place for Yahweh, and the later Christians would add that Jesus ascended into the clouds, to one day return from them in order to bring about the end of the world.

When presented with a random splatter of ink, the mind has a tendency to arrange the meaningless drivel our eyes see into an image we can use and recognize. The human mind yearns to make connections, linking new experiences to memories. Religion would like nothing more than for these connections to have a mystical impact upon us.

Recognizing religious symbols and figures in the random stains of everyday life is a huge hobby for some Christians in America. Consider this video of a stain caused by minerals from water accumulating on the side of a baptismal font:



Now, I’m not suggesting the church stop people from believing this, or even to make any sort of statement on the occurrence. This sort of “miracle” is so common, I think it would be ridiculous (and mentally unhealthy) for atheists to get worked up over it. Sometimes people recognize the religious even in the irreverent:

Divine mandate of the sanctity of condoms? We can only hope…

So what else has Mary been seen in? What about the famed “Grilled Cheese Sandwich” Mary:

You like turtles? Apparently Mary is hanging out on the belly of one:

She even left some evidence for us rock-sifting science geeks. Check out the middle of this geode:

And tree-hugging hippies are not left out, either:

This next one should not count, since it is a tattoo, but I had to include it because in this one, the part of Mary is played by Michael Jackson:

Some would say it’s Janet, but I know better.

My question is this: since the images are so vague, why would one assume it’s Mary, the mother of Jesus? Why isn’t it Artemis, the hunter goddess of the moon? Why not Isis, the mother of Horus and the provider of salvation for all who seek it? Why make an idol out of Mary, when it’s equally blasphemous to claim it’s any number of people or gods?

Funny Bible Quote #60

All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:

That the man of God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works.

~ 2 Timothy 3:16-17, KJV