After the recent sex scandal, there are strong calls for a change in practices - including the hiring of more women - within the Secret Service. Others are suggesting that they change their name to the Seriously, You Can’t to Tell Anyone Service.
Rupert Murdoch was deemed “unfit” to run News Corp by a British panel of lawmakers. The conservatives on the panel rejected the outcome, siding with the Murdoch interpretation of “corporate responsibility” as him being responsible for a company’s profits, but not for its crimes.
Newt Gingrich officially dropped out of the race, leaving Mitt Romney has the clear winner in the Republican primary. For those keeping score at home, Mitt Romney won the nomination with a final bid of $78 million, which he described as “a steal” and “chump change.”
Five anarchists have been arrested, and three of them charged, with attempting to blow up a bridge in Cleveland. Now, I know some anarchists, so I feel I have the duty of pointing out that this is not representative of all anarchists, as most are actually capable of really hurting people.
Showing posts with label Pithy News. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pithy News. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Pithy News 4/12/12
George Zimmerman is in custody for shooting Trayvon Martin. Asked why he went into hiding for 45 days, he explained that he was enjoying his last month and a half of having control of his bowels.
The economy is starting to turn around. Everyone is happy about it, except Republicans, who still drive SUVs and won’t shut up about gas prices.
Newt Gingrich bounced a $500 check he wrote to be on the ballet in Utah. Newt assures everyone that spending more money than he has is not only acceptable, it’s a proud Republican tradition.
Charles Manson was denied parole at 77 years old, having spent the last 42 years behind bars. This puts an early end to his bid for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination.
The economy is starting to turn around. Everyone is happy about it, except Republicans, who still drive SUVs and won’t shut up about gas prices.
Newt Gingrich bounced a $500 check he wrote to be on the ballet in Utah. Newt assures everyone that spending more money than he has is not only acceptable, it’s a proud Republican tradition.
Charles Manson was denied parole at 77 years old, having spent the last 42 years behind bars. This puts an early end to his bid for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Pithy News 2/15/12
President Obama is meeting with China’s second in command, Xi Jinping. Obama is reported to have assured Jinping that “the check’s in the mail.”
Catholic clergy are up-in-arms over having to pay for birth control. They are claiming they are against any measure that reduces the number of young, supple boys in the world, and that the money would be better spent on out-of-court settlements.
The state of Washington has allowed gay people to get married, which was followed by a 6.0 magnitude undersea earthquake off the coast of its neighbor, Oregon. Neither resulted in anyone being hurt.
Whitney Houston died this past weekend, a day before the Grammy Awards. The music world suffered another tragedy this morning, when Kenny G was found in his home, perfectly healthy.
Catholic clergy are up-in-arms over having to pay for birth control. They are claiming they are against any measure that reduces the number of young, supple boys in the world, and that the money would be better spent on out-of-court settlements.
The state of Washington has allowed gay people to get married, which was followed by a 6.0 magnitude undersea earthquake off the coast of its neighbor, Oregon. Neither resulted in anyone being hurt.
Whitney Houston died this past weekend, a day before the Grammy Awards. The music world suffered another tragedy this morning, when Kenny G was found in his home, perfectly healthy.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Pithy News 1/23/12
Jay Leno has upset Sikhs and the Indian government by joking that Mitt’s summer home is the Golden Temple. They reportedly find it offensive to be associated in any way with “some freak in a polygamist cult.”
Websites including Wikipedia and Reddit went dark on Wednesday in protest of SOPA and PIPA. Teachers and Professors are reporting a record number of properly researched papers being turned in on Thursday.
Voters in South Carolina shocked the nation by voting Gingrich the winner of their primary. When asked why he was losing support, Romney said his reasoning changes day to day.
Mitt Romney has caved to pressure and will release his tax records for 2010 and estimates for 2011. As for why he opposed doing so initially, he said it wouldn’t support his message that the rich are taxed too much.
Websites including Wikipedia and Reddit went dark on Wednesday in protest of SOPA and PIPA. Teachers and Professors are reporting a record number of properly researched papers being turned in on Thursday.
Voters in South Carolina shocked the nation by voting Gingrich the winner of their primary. When asked why he was losing support, Romney said his reasoning changes day to day.
Mitt Romney has caved to pressure and will release his tax records for 2010 and estimates for 2011. As for why he opposed doing so initially, he said it wouldn’t support his message that the rich are taxed too much.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Pithy News 7/22/11
Ads were pulled which depicted men apologetically offering milk to a raging wife or girlfriend. The campaign sought to promote milk’s ability to prevent PMS, but was met with angry complaints from women who are clearly lactose intolerant.
A ten-year-old girl in Phoenix was found dead in a trunk this morning after playing a game of hide and seek last night (which she clearly won). She is a shoe-in for this year’s “Anne Frank Hide-and-Seek Lifetime Achievement Award™.”
Michele Bachman is blaming high heels for what are reported to be incapacitating migraines, which she has suffered through even while giving speeches. This is strange, because during a speech of hers, I also had a migraine, and I wasn’t wearing high heels at the time (I know, because it wasn’t a Saturday).
Rupert Murdoch testified in Britain regarding the hacking scandal surrounding newspapers in his company. His defense seems airtight, as he successfully argued that he was 80 years old, and that he can’t even access his own e-mails without assistance.
A ten-year-old girl in Phoenix was found dead in a trunk this morning after playing a game of hide and seek last night (which she clearly won). She is a shoe-in for this year’s “Anne Frank Hide-and-Seek Lifetime Achievement Award™.”
Michele Bachman is blaming high heels for what are reported to be incapacitating migraines, which she has suffered through even while giving speeches. This is strange, because during a speech of hers, I also had a migraine, and I wasn’t wearing high heels at the time (I know, because it wasn’t a Saturday).
Rupert Murdoch testified in Britain regarding the hacking scandal surrounding newspapers in his company. His defense seems airtight, as he successfully argued that he was 80 years old, and that he can’t even access his own e-mails without assistance.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Pithy News 4/29/11
The royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton was broadcast at 3 am Eastern time in the US today. A tentative date in late 2025 has been set for the divorce.
Researchers have determined that restless leg syndrome can be cured by masturbating. No word yet on whether health insurance will finally start covering Kleenex.
Obama released his long-form birth certificate to the public. Donald Trump is now demanding to taste the placenta.
Meanwhile, in real news, tornadoes have ravaged parts of the US. One Alabama atheist described the weather as “like something out of the Bible,” because it spread misery and destruction across the south, and he just couldn’t believe it happened.
Researchers have determined that restless leg syndrome can be cured by masturbating. No word yet on whether health insurance will finally start covering Kleenex.
Obama released his long-form birth certificate to the public. Donald Trump is now demanding to taste the placenta.
Meanwhile, in real news, tornadoes have ravaged parts of the US. One Alabama atheist described the weather as “like something out of the Bible,” because it spread misery and destruction across the south, and he just couldn’t believe it happened.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Pithy News 3/31/11
Charlie Sheen may not be acting like an asshole for free much longer. He has been offered his job back after “One and a Half Men” didn’t do well with test audiences.
Japan is still working to keep a handful of nuclear reactors from melting down. Experts say this is the worst Japanese disaster since 1998’s “Godzilla,” starring Matthew Broderick.
Donald Trump is supposedly considering a run for the presidency. Just what America needs in these times of high unemployment: a president known for firing people.
Newt Gingrich says the US is in danger of becoming a “secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists.” Asked if this is a contradiction, he replied that it’s as feasible as being a Christian nation that hates the poor and sick.
Japan is still working to keep a handful of nuclear reactors from melting down. Experts say this is the worst Japanese disaster since 1998’s “Godzilla,” starring Matthew Broderick.
Donald Trump is supposedly considering a run for the presidency. Just what America needs in these times of high unemployment: a president known for firing people.
Newt Gingrich says the US is in danger of becoming a “secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists.” Asked if this is a contradiction, he replied that it’s as feasible as being a Christian nation that hates the poor and sick.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Pithy News 1/10/11
With the New Year upon us, I look back to last year’s resolution. I wanted to read “The Secret,” and every day I visualized myself doing so, but I just never did.
Nearly one year after the earthquake in Haiti, rubble fills the streets and millions live in poverty. It’s safe to say that things are finally back to normal there.
The big news is that Democratic Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords was shot in the head. Doctors fear she will suffer severe brain damage and become a Republican.
In light of violent political rhetoric, Congress has declared a “War on Violence.” In related news, the heads of several legislators exploded due to extreme irony.
Nearly one year after the earthquake in Haiti, rubble fills the streets and millions live in poverty. It’s safe to say that things are finally back to normal there.
The big news is that Democratic Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords was shot in the head. Doctors fear she will suffer severe brain damage and become a Republican.
In light of violent political rhetoric, Congress has declared a “War on Violence.” In related news, the heads of several legislators exploded due to extreme irony.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Pithy News 10/23/10
People wore purple in honor of homosexuals who are driven to suicide by an intolerant society. Upon hearing of the movement, Purple jumped off a bridge; his parents, Red and Blue, said they didn’t even know he was gay.
WikiLeaks documents show that the US looked the other way while detainees were tortured and murdered. To be fair, it was hard to watch and there was some really good stuff on TV (have you seen “Modern Family?”).
The Chilean miners are finally out. While they are wildly popular, hipsters insist they were much better when they were underground.
Glenn Beck claimed that evolution is a myth because he has never seen “a half-monkey, half-person yet.” In related news, Glenn Beck does not believe in mirrors, because he has never seen one.
WikiLeaks documents show that the US looked the other way while detainees were tortured and murdered. To be fair, it was hard to watch and there was some really good stuff on TV (have you seen “Modern Family?”).
The Chilean miners are finally out. While they are wildly popular, hipsters insist they were much better when they were underground.
Glenn Beck claimed that evolution is a myth because he has never seen “a half-monkey, half-person yet.” In related news, Glenn Beck does not believe in mirrors, because he has never seen one.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Pithy News 8/29/10
Glenn Beck estimated 3-400,000 attendees at his rally on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. Compared to the 87,000 calculated by experts, this is Beck’s most accurate observation ever.
Paris Hilton was arrested for cocaine possession. In related news, bears shit in the woods.
The last combat troops left Iraq this last week, leaving just 50,000 for “administrative duties.” The Iraq War is officially over, like racism…
The “Ground Zero Mosque” shares funding with Fox News. After hearing this, I’m thinking… maybe they shouldn’t build it.
Paris Hilton was arrested for cocaine possession. In related news, bears shit in the woods.
The last combat troops left Iraq this last week, leaving just 50,000 for “administrative duties.” The Iraq War is officially over, like racism…
The “Ground Zero Mosque” shares funding with Fox News. After hearing this, I’m thinking… maybe they shouldn’t build it.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Pithy News 8/4/10
The Food Standards Agency in the UK has disclosed that cloned meat was sold to consumers. They warn it may cause déjà vu.
Writer Anne Rice announced she “quit being a Christian.” Asked why she was initially attracted to Catholicism, she cited drinking Jesus’ blood and God’s need to be “invited” into your heart.
Sarah Palin proclaimed the rise of “Mama Grizzlies.” Citizens are urged to bungee cable their trashcans shut.
Six black teens drowned in Shreveport, Louisiana. Mel Gibson has reportedly begun digging a moat around his home.
Writer Anne Rice announced she “quit being a Christian.” Asked why she was initially attracted to Catholicism, she cited drinking Jesus’ blood and God’s need to be “invited” into your heart.
Sarah Palin proclaimed the rise of “Mama Grizzlies.” Citizens are urged to bungee cable their trashcans shut.
Six black teens drowned in Shreveport, Louisiana. Mel Gibson has reportedly begun digging a moat around his home.
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