Top Ten: Science Fair Topics for Christians

10. The effect of Noah’s Ark on ants (pouring water on an ant farm)
9. Measuring the effects of prayer on sporting events
8. How to identify and categorize demons
7. Which dinosaur saddle design works best?
6. A study of Cathedral and megachurch architecture
5. Working volcano that obliterates model Sodom and Gomorrah
4. How many angels are in any given cubic mile of sky?
3. Can you catch Gay from a toilet seat?
2. Measuring the concentration of virtue in Roman Catholics
1. At what speed are heathens going to hell?

Top Ten: Things I Don’t Like Mentioning In My Blog

10. My mother’s terminal illness (amyloidosis)
9. My father’s lung and brain cancer
8. Being unemployed (though not on unemployment)
7. That fact that I live in the south
6. How many magic mushrooms I’ve done
5. How much acid I’ve done
4. How much heroin, cocaine, meth, nitrous, ketamine, ecstasy, and cough syrup I’ve done
3. My addiction to predilection for soda
2. My sexual history
1. My Prius (even I groan sometimes when I think about it)

Top Ten: Ideas I Briefly Thought I Came Up With First

10. Titties, a restaurant with big-breasted… chicken sandwiches

9. “Have It My Way,” a movie where I eat only Burger King for 30 days

8. Massage oils laced with powerful drugs

7. Bret & Obesity, ice cream aimed at yuppies, including a flavor inspired by a Latin rock legend, “Santana Banana”

6. Masturbation

5. TheHateBook, a website for posting about all the things you can’t stand

4. Turning wolves into pets

3. What if our Solar System is an atom in someone’s fingernail?

2. A cartoon show with a dumb father

1. Some sort of new American government that takes power out of the hands of a few wealthy families and gives a voice to the people

Top Ten: Things I Don’t Like About the Olympics

10. Excessive coverage of water polo
9. Commercials
8. The announcers (especially for the opening ceremony)
7. Romney/Obama Commercials
6. Winter Olympics athletes showed up for some reason
5. Local political commercials
4. That “racewalking” and “trampoline” are Olympic events
3. Insurance, medication, car, and credit card commercials
2. Lack of live coverage
1. How commercials interrupt everything

Top Ten: Worst Arguments of All Time

10. If you support that, then you must support *insert atrocity here*
9. It’s God’s will
8. Everyone knows that *insert questionable claim here*
7. Blood is thicker than water
6. Don’t worry, it’s all natural
5. How would you feel if you had *insert traumatic experience here*?
4. My parents always taught me that…
3. You should read *insert shitty book here*
2. You’re either with us or against us
1. But I was drunk!

Top Ten: Olympic Events I Made Up

10. The 100m Sleepwalk
9. Synchronized Lawn Mowing
8. The Twirl, Pull and Slap
7. Centatholon (race with 100 different 100m legs, including pogo, crab walking, cartwheeling, unicycling, tricycling, somersaulting, skipping, moonwalking, the downhill scooter slalom…)
6. Crowd Surfing
5. Partners Figure Kayaking
4. Water Polo (with horses)
3. Cross-Country Eating
2. Freestyle Sexing
1. Jet Ski Jousting

Top Ten: Weird Search Terms That Have Led People To My [Old] Blog

10. gay loincloth
9. fuck the military!!! I want out
8. the virgin mary idol is a whore
7. yuppie welfare done best
6. show us ya willie and tits
5. big dick white men
4. sex addict quotes
3. how can someone be conservative
2. anything but gay prayer
1. mitt the clit romney

Top Ten: Statistics and Calculations I Will [Probably] Never Know

10. What percentage of home pregnancy test users are hoping they aren’t?
9. What is the average IQ of gun owners?
8. How many have died because someone was “just following orders?”
7. How many species of living organisms have there been on Earth?
6. How many people do not believe in God, but act like they do?
5. Where is the nearest other planet with technologically advanced life?
4. How many anti-gay activists are attracted to people of the same gender?
3. How many people who have seen “Cats” actually wanted to see it?
2. What percentage of planets have life?
1. How many times have I masturbated?

Top Ten: British Words I’m Glad Americans Don’t Use

10. Knickers
9. Pissed (for being drunk)
8. Bollocks
7. Bung
6. Knob
5. Fanny
4. Bugger
3. Div
2. Snog
1. Zed

Top Ten: Reasons I Hate the Military

10. Institutional religious indoctrination
9. That mindless “hooah/hooyah” bullshit they yell
8. Open bigotry, from sexism to racism to homophobia to xenophobia
7. Adherence to the belief that obedience is a good thing
6. Brutal punishment of whistleblowers
5. Bleeding the country dry financially
4. Haven’t been deployed in a justifiable war since World War II
3. Haven’t actually defended America’s freedom since the War of 1812
2. Epidemic of rape cover-ups
1. Deployed US troops kill more civilians than militants

Top Ten: Songs for the End of the World

[Unlike most lists, this is numbered starting with 1 and ending with 10 to indicate the order in which the songs are to be played]

1. Europe – Final Countdown
2. REM – It’s the End of the World
3. Rolling Stones – Gimme Shelter
4. Soundgarden – Black Hole Sun
5. Metallica – Enter Sandman
6. Prince – 1999
7. Creedence Clearwater Revival – Bad Man Rising
8. Barry McGuire – Eve of Destruction
9. The Doors – The End
10. Green Day – Time of You Life

Top Ten: Made-Up Words That Sound Vulgar

10. Chooch
9. Prunkle
8. Tweef
7. Pulva
6. Scrote
5. Chizz
4. Furggling
3. Glung
2. Slint
1. Crusticle

Top Ten: Additional Bad Product and Business Ideas

Based on the popularity of the first one...

10. Fishbook (social networking for schools; goes downhill when whales can join)
9. MP3-to-8-track Recorder
8. Monkey Off Your Back (wax body hair removal for men)
7. Filet Mignon in a Can
6. Paranoid Thunder (an even louder and more sensitive car alarm)
5. Tads (advertising written in body paint on topless women at major events)
4. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Salt
3. Zombie Insurance
2. felloffatruck.com (suspiciously inexpensive electronics and cigarettes)
1. Beggars Inc. (a franchise of highway off-ramp and mall exit panhandlers)

Top Ten: States Where You Are More Likely to be Shot to Death Than Killed by a Car

All data is for 2009. Kudos to this post by Cdog for bringing the study to my attention.

The numbers indicate gun deaths/car deaths/gun deaths per car death.

10. Virginia 836/827/1.01
9. Utah 260/256/1.02
8. Colorado 583/565/1.03
7. Indiana 735/715/1.03
6. Oregon 417/394/1.06
5. Arizona 856/809/1.06
4. Washington 623/580/1.07
3. Michigan 1095/977/1.12
2. Alaska 104/84/1.24
1. Nevada 406/255/1.59

Top Ten: “Mental Disorders” That Aren’t

10. Cannabis addiction
9. Gender identity disorder
8. Hysteria
7. Borderline personality disorder
6. Narcissistic personality disorder
5. Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)
4. ADD/ADHD
3. Depression
2. Dissociative identity disorder (Split personality)
1. Sex addiction

Top Ten: Worst Sitcom Couples

10. Zach and Kelly (Saved by the Bell)
9. Murphy Brown and herself (show of the same name)
8. Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat (South Park)
7. Dale and Nancy (King of the Hill)
6. Fran and Maxwell (The Nanny)
5. Ross and Rachel (Friends)
4. Dharma and Greg (show of the same name)
3. Ted and anyone (How I Met Your Mother)
2. ALF and the cat (ALF)
1. Carol and Mike (The Brady Bunch)

Top Ten: Things People Do, But Won’t Talk About

10. Bite their nails
9. Pick scabs
8. Pop zits
7. Use the toilet
6. Accidentally use their pants, perhaps while sneezing
5. Masturbate
4. Pick their nose
3. Have sex
2. Have weird sex
1. Wish someone would die

Top Ten: Arabic Loanwords in English

10. Alcohol
9. Candy
8. Guitar
7. Sofa
6. Coffee
5. Sugar
4. Hashish and Hookah (I think they go together)
3. Orange
2. Soda
1. Zero

Top Ten: Sexual Fetishes I Don’t Get, and Don’t Want To

10. Spectrophilia (sex with ghosts)
9. Furries/Yiffing
8. Technosexualism/Mechanophilia (sex with machines, especially cars)
7. Autonepiophilia (deriving pleasure from dressing/acting like an infant)
6. Formicophilia (sexual gratification from having insects crawling on you)
5. Apotemnophilia (arousal from being, becoming, or looking like an amputee)
4. Symorophilia (being turned on by car crashes)
3. Necrophilia
2. Vorarephilia (finding cannibalism erotic, especially being swallowed whole)
1. Zoosadism (sexual pleasure from harming animals)

Top Ten: Sex Lessons I Learned From Christmas

10. A public display of a new family being formed will draw outrage.
9. If there are no beds available, a barn works in a pinch.
8. Everyone loves a good stocking stuffer.
7. When it comes to gifts, bigger is better…
6. … though a small package worth a lot can get some women excited.
5. Christians take it seriously, but the rest of us can still have fun with it.
4. It’s just as important to give as to receive.
3. A little music can put you in the mood.
2. Half of the enjoyment is in the unwrapping.
1. Toys are fun.