Scattered Thoughts for December 2011 – April 2012

The only reason I would ever get into shape is for the zombie apocalypse. That way, I’ll be an unstoppable zombie.

God always comes first with me. Then we switch to doggy and I finish.

I miss lemon Jolly Ranchers.

Republicans can’t tell the difference between a Kenyan and a Keynesian.

Hercules and I had the same shoe size, US 13 (12.6 inches). This was actually the first recorded use of a measurement based on the length of a foot.

You don’t have to be smart or kind to be a Democrat, but you have to be cruel or stupid to be a Republican.

I had to quit being a liberal and an atheist because I was incapable of doing what liberals and atheists do most often: get offended.

It’s not that conservatives are always wrong, it’s more that they’re never right.

Squirrels are like cigarettes. They aren’t a danger to you unless you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire.

Republicanism: the belief that only your head should ever be up your ass.

I was on a flight recently and the flight attendants made an announcement that the pilot and co-pilot were both passed out drunk, and she asked if anyone could fly the plane. No one volunteered at first, so I did. Let me tell you, it was not easy. It took me an hour just to figure out how get us into the air.

I’m more angered by conservative women than by conservative men, and I think it’s because I don’t get satisfaction from imagining myself punching a conservative woman in the throat.

There’s a history of longevity in my family, especially among the older folks.

I hope Rush Limbaugh gets raped by a whale shark.

Masturbation: putting the “semen” in “amusement.”

Have you ever murdered someone just so you can get the last word?

What’s black and white and red all over?
Barack Obama in a lobster costume.

I’m so fat and out of shape. If I didn’t eat, it wouldn’t be called a fast, it would be called a slow. Actually, I used to go days without eating sometimes in college. It was called “the end of the month.”

I come from a family that is rather wealthy. Not Romney wealthy, but very well off. We never had hard times. We always had food on the table, but that’s mostly because it was my job to do dishes and I’m really lazy.

I’m allergic to everything. I’m even allergic to myself. If I lick my skin, it itches. If I swallow my saliva, I get horrible diarrhea. My dandruff gives me a stuffy nose.

When I was 17, I got my nose pierced, but that was only because I had such a horrible dentist.

Nine times out of ten, a libertarian is just someone who can’t conceive of caring about what happens to anyone but himself (I find it usually is a “him”).

Cell phones have replaced doorbells. Think about it.

Anything worth thinking is worth writing down, but not everything worth writing is worth reading.

Republicans keep regressing further and further back into the past for bad ideas. What’s next? Women must marry their rapist?

Strange protest sign ideas:
- God Smells Like Rain
- Free iPods for All Orphans
- The End of the World Was Last Week
- Girl Scouts Against the Spanish-American War
- Stop Making New Kinds of Soda
- Ban Mozzarella Cheese
- Panhandlers On Strike For Better Dental Coverage
- Does This Sign Make Me Look French?
- Go Home Prussians!
- The Person Holding This is Not As Crazy As You Think
- The Liberal Media Stole My Dog
- I’m As Tired of Carrying This As You Are of Looking At It
- Down With Bad Things
- Help Me Find a Job So I Can Stop
- Support Horse-Racing on the Moon
- We Are Masked Individuals Against Everything
- If I’m Against It, Why Is it “Protest?” Shouldn’t It Be “Contest?”

They need better warnings on food. I got some chips the other day that were low-fat and made with a chemical I would rather not name, for fear of a lawsuit. They warned that the product “may cause intestinal distress, loose stools, or diarrhea.” Fair enough, but the warning that actually would help for this product would be, “Do not trust a fart after eating.” I have two fresh pairs of underwear that wish I had been given a little heads up.

I have studied the religions of the world like my eternity relied upon it. In the end, I fear I have merely wasted a large chunk of the finite time I actually have.

I love chili dogs. I love them more than people. No chili dog ever let me down.

I used to wonder what people meant when they complained about “elitists.” Then I moved to the South and realized it means: “Ooo, look at Mr. Fancy-Pants with all his teeth.”

I tried to date an optometrist, but the sex was really weird. She kept asking, “Is this better, or is this better? Better A, or better? Okay, you’re going to feel a poof of air...”

Having turned 28, I realized why so many people OD or kill themselves at 27: no one wants to attend their 10 year high school reunion.

I want to write a children’s book, but I can’t get the title right. So far, it’s: “You can be anything when you grow up, but you’ll be lucky if you get to work in a cubicle.” It doesn’t really have a ring to it.

Never trust someone who sides with the person they know best over the person who knows best.

I hate when people ask obvious questions when it’s clear what the answer is... like “Did you get a haircut?” or “Are you having sex with that horse?”

I want to attain enlightenment, and then extinguish it.

When it comes to sex, it’s like the Titanic: ladies first.

Science did not create new horrors, it merely revealed how horrible people can be by giving them the power to fulfill their potential.

The pen is mightier than the sword. The book is deadlier than the bullet. Even the blog is more destructive than the bomb. In short, the most powerful weapon to wield is the word.

I see a lot of anarchists and libertarians speak of the government’s “monopoly on violence.” This is odd, because I keep hearing from these same people how the government is inefficient and ineffective. So, what I’m hearing is these people demanding private industry get in on the market of violence, because the government is not an acceptably efficient or effective killing machine. I’m fairly certain that the way forward is not to privatize tyranny, thereby streamlining it.

When I swim at the beach, I don’t get wet
I go in the water, and the ocean gets Bret

I have a sort of reverse self-esteem that suits me quite well. I don’t think I’m amazing. I don’t imagine I’m particularly good looking or funny. I’m definitely not that bright, and I certainly have not achieved much success. And yet, I feel great about myself, because when I look around, I see a world full of boring, ugly, humorless, stupid failures, most of whom I’m shocked were able to operate a door in order to leave their homes. Compared to that, I think I’m doing pretty well.

Religion is like a metaphor that has come to life and gone mad.

Is it so hard to define marriage as being between those who ask and those who consent?

The only time you should care what your neighbors have is if they have nothing, and then you should help them get what they need.

We should spank the parent when the child misbehaves.

If you want to be on the winning team in any culture war, side with the young and wait for the inevitable.

Why don’t hipsters put their beer in the fridge?
Because they prefer to drink it before its cool.

Old photos always make me think of racism, because even the photo is segregated into black and white.

If two vegetarians are arguing, do they have a beef with each other?

You can never stop someone from being a danger to themself, because ultimately, they are tied to the problem.

I wrote a companion piece to the Vagina Monologues called the Dick Anecdotes. It’s not very popular.

My college roommate once asked me to pick up a magazine on cryptozoology at the store. The ironic part is, I couldn’t even find it.

I admire an animal that is colorful, because that is a creature that would rather fuck than blend in and live a little longer.

My failed sex toy idea: edible handcuffs

It’s easier to preach a thousand virtues than it is to live one.

Most minds are like cement: all mixed up, and then permanently set.

I don’t know why most people care so much about which church they are members of. Is it really so important where you go on Christmas and Easter?

You know that moment as you’re getting high when you become suddenly aware of the front portion of your brain? I don’t have a joke for that… it’s just weird.

As an atheist, it is tempting to exploit religious people. It wouldn’t be hard, considering how dumb they are. Like, imagine the fortune I could make selling Bibles autographed by the author.

You catch more rioters with laughing gas than with tear gas.

If you often put your foot in your mouth, you might as well also put a sock in it.

I suffer from a very erotic eye condition: sex-ray vision. I want to fuck everything I see. Hey, where are you going… don’t hide…

A conservative is someone who opposes everything until it’s been done for a while.

When people on the right say they believe in justice, they really mean “just us.”

I doubt it will ever catch on as a tradition at funerals to throw a bouquet of flowers to see who will die next.

I hate when people without kids try to tell other people how to be a parent. I just want to say to these nosey people, “Listen, I’m sure a parent knows how much vodka their own kids can handle, all right?”

Sometimes people really nitpick the Bible. Like, a popular thing to mock the Bible for is the talking ass. But frankly, I think that’s one thing the Bible got right. Most asses I know never shut up.

You know how they make virgin olive oil? They use the ugly and unpopular olives.

A liberal is someone who runs the risk of being on the wrong side of history. A conservative is someone who consistently stays on the wrong side of history.

Who would question the honesty of the Bible? It was written by Jesus’ buddies, many of whom were fishermen, and when has a fisherman ever exaggerated anything?

When you take someone to the airport now, you can’t go through security with them to see them off. So basically, I’m not even the last one to grope my wife when she leaves town.

I study history, not out of some misguided belief that I can avoid repeating it, but so that when it does repeat, I know the words and can sing along.

Some people will always disagree on principle because they can’t disagree on evidence.

I’m a socialist because I acknowledge there are things I want that I can never do for myself. For example, blow jobs.

As a guy, the only way I know I’ve been staring too long is if she adjusts her top or tries to close her sweater.

If only progress moved as fast as a glacier melts…

Sometimes, when I’m alone, I just curl up on the floor and pretend I’m a watermelon.

America: where you can own assault rifles, but you can’t bring shampoo on a plane.

The system is broken because the system is fixed.

You need a good government to have a growing economy, but you won’t have a good economy if you have a growing government.

If you don’t live on the edge, you’re taking up too much space.

There’s nothing funny about drugs. Trust me. What’s funny is people on drugs and the weird things they say and do.

I don’t believe in a meaning of life, I believe in a life of meaning.

My wife works and I don’t, but I’m not a trophy husband. I’m more of a participation certificate husband.

I had a girlfriend in college who was in a lot of online porn, and something tells me she’s going to be pretty pissed off if she finds out I posted it. She actually got her good looks from her step-father, which sounds weird, but he’s the one who paid for the plastic surgery.

Humans are the only species that blushes from embarrassment. We’re also the only species with religion. That can’t be a coincidence.

Sometimes I wish I had more than two middle fingers.

If your waistline you wish to increase
Fry all of your food in bacon grease
Cut out veggies and drink more booze
And if all else fails, go on a cruise

When I masturbate, I like to switch hands, because I noticed my jerking arm was going all Popeye, while my other arm (the one using the mouse) is spindly.

It confounds me that there are people with thick, unintelligible southern accents who complain about immigrants being hard to understand. This would be like Mexicans complaining that Southern food was delicious, but it gives you horrible diarrhea. Sure, it’s true, but you have no room to talk.

Politics is the art of taking credit for every boon while blaming someone else for every blunder.

I failed out of clown college, which is really embarrassing. They play that sound, “WAH-waah,” and they make you turn in your nose and shoes, so you aren’t tempted to clown without a license. I thought I would get ahead by interrupting the instructor, but apparently they don’t give as much respect to the class clown as you might think.

The worst lies are not those which we tell others, but the ones we live every day.

A large group of fools not only can take down a wise individual, they frequently do.

Bret was named “Funniest Comedian of 2011” in the Alan Family Newsletter.

I think of myself as a renaissance man, in that most of what I say would seem interesting and original in the 1500s.

My dad was sort of from another era. I think he was ready to have kids in the 70’s, not the 80’s. You could tell, because he always tried to apply old-timey solutions to new problems, and it didn’t really work out. I remember one time he found heroin in my room. So, he sat me down with it, and he made me shoot every last gram. And I’ll never forget, when I woke up in the hospital from that coma four days later... I really wanted some heroin, more than I had ever wanted anything before in my life… what was I talking about again?

My wife is Jewish, but she sleeps like all the groups who have oppressed her people over the years. I come to bed at night and she’s sprawled out in the middle with her arms and legs at weird angles, as if she’s walking like an Egyptian or some sort of human swastika.

Not everything about how we react in the moment makes sense. Like, I get really embarrassed when some stranger I don’t even know catches me picking my nose while in traffic, but when the mailman sees me jerking off in my living room, I just smile and nod.

Some people like to focus on all of the horrible things I have written, but personally, I prefer to focus on all of the great and amazing things I never wrote.

I don’t see the point in people trying to make abortion illegal. Even if you could magically stop every woman from getting an abortion, it will always be legal to fall down some stairs.

I don’t think I have OCD, but I may be a carrier.

Only strange species of animals always stay mated for life, like gibbons, swans, or the Amish.

If you don’t admit to drinking or doing drugs, I assume you kill and eat hookers.

There’s only one thing better than a sunrise: sleeping in. I’m more of a sunset guy.

I am not at all religious myself, but this does not stop me from being fascinated by religion. I love to poke it, prod it, and wonder at it, like a child inspecting a fresh corpse lying in an open field.

You ever post a picture of a rash online for the purposes of having strangers diagnose it?

I got rich the old fashioned way: I was born into it.

I work 24/7, by which I mean 24 minutes an hour, 7 hours a week.

Apocalitmus test: only voting for people who believe the world is ending

No matter who you are, there are more things you disbelieve than believe. We essentially are all skeptics who have chosen only to adopt a limited view of the world.

You need to take chances in life and one of those is taking sides. If you go to the track and bet on every horse, you will never come out ahead.

Science did not kill or replace God, it merely bought His home on the hill after it was foreclosed.

As a homemaker, my annual salary is $0, plus room, board, and benefits.

I like to study Eastern Religion every Tao and Zen.

I’m all confused, it’s like black is up and east is wrong.

I find you can tell a lot about a woman by her feet. For example, you can tell she’s mad at you if she’s trying to kick you in the balls.

The more things Republican politicians do, the more Republican voters become convinced government can never do anything right. What a coincidence…

Is it offensive to tell a woman with breast cancer that she can come to you if she ever needs to get something off her chest?

If you support war, capital punishment, and guns while opposing healthcare for the poor... you don’t get to say you’re “pro-life” just because you oppose a woman’s right to decide when she starts her family. That makes you “anti-abortion.”

I get dreams where I think I didn’t take some class I needed to graduate, or I scheduled a course and never showed up, not realizing I had it, so I failed and never got my degree. Sometimes these feelings even carry over into the real world, and I wonder if I’m just a fraud, that I never graduated at all... until I get a letter from my college’s alumni office asking for money.

Random Thoughts: July 2011 – October 2011

I’ve given up on pleasing people. People are impossible to please. However, pissing people off is not only easy, it’s entertaining.

There would be nothing wrong with people being really rich if they didn’t then turn around and buy the government.

I wouldn’t kill anyone. However, there are people who, if they were on fire and I had some water, I would just drink it.

Obedience blinds you. Complete obedience blinds you completely.

The only war America has won in the last 10 years is the one against civil rights.

The wealthy would be foolish to ignore the Occupy Wall Street protests. Today, they’re only demanding money from the rich, but tomorrow it could just as easily be their heads. This isn’t a threat, by any means, it’s more of a lesson in history.

Behind every great man, there’s a great woman, but behind every great woman, there’s a sleazy guy checking out her ass.

Remember when Sarah Palin was the craziest Republican presidential candidate? Those were the days…

Every racist joke starts off the same: by looking around to see if anyone of that race is nearby.

Is it racist to call a black CIA agent a spook?

The end result of perfect reason is to see that nothing is dictated by reason.

People don’t know what they want. Case in point: everyone who has ever begged for death actually just wanted a better life.

The young lack patience, which is why they so often go looking for death, when if they only waited, death would come looking for them in old age.

I’m not afraid to buy my wife tampons. I’m not a bloody pussy.

The devil’s in the details, because God is in the ambiguity.

This country can’t help the poor until we save ourselves from the rich.

An entrepreneur is little more than a criminal with venture capital.

It’s called “faith” because it’s not “truth.”

Dating consists of a boy pursuing a girl until, finally, she catches him.

These days, America’s biggest export is jobs.

Wit is knowing every clever thing that has been said before, and a few that haven’t.

I prefer to eat meat, not vegetables, because I like to think of my body as a cemetery, not a compost heap.

I think it’s bad luck to be superstitious.

I don’t see what’s so special about virginity. It’s not uncommon. In fact, you might even say there’s a virgin born every minute.

America’s problem is that we lack a separation between rich and state. We need to end privatized government.

This life is not fair, by any means. Most never get all that they worked for, and a lucky few never work for all that they get.

When Herman Cain gets on stage in front of Republicans, half of them start shouting out bids.

Which would you rather have happen to you: be screwed by a donkey or be screwed by an elephant? That’s what it’s like to vote in America.

Democrats oppose the rise in poverty.
Republicans oppose the rise of the poor.

If abortion is murder, then are blowjobs cannibalism?

If ignorance is bliss, why is America so miserable?

A woman’s love is like water. To possess it, you must cup your hands and let it rest inside. You cannot grab hold of it tightly, and often it leaks out over time. Although, I guess you could keep her at the bottom of a well...

In America, the problem isn’t that we have stupid leaders. We are a Democracy, after all. It’s not just the stupid leaders who are the problem, it’s the stupid voters.

I am so neurotic, sometimes I worry that I’m becoming a hypochondriac.

I wanted someone to use reverse psychology on me, but they didn’t want to. So, I tried telling them not to use it on me.

It has always been a battle between those who want to act normal, and those who don’t. The normal people usually win, but they never have any fun doing it.

Americans cannot stand tyranny, oppression, and religious fanaticism. We fight to stamp it out where ever we find it, except here at home.

There are two tricks to being rich. The first is making money, the second is keeping it.

I am always on the side of giving a privilege to everyone or taking a privilege away from a select few.

I’ve always wanted to get married. It’s not because I’m a hopeless romantic, I just can’t stand getting to know women. The overwhelming majority of women are irritating people, and I honestly cannot stand them. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t stand being around men, either, but I didn’t have to look for a guy to spend my life with. Until I got married, I actually had to care what women thought of me. It’s exhausting to pretend I’m interested in all of those stupid things women like. Movies are arguably one of the worst parts, and I’m not talking about chick flicks. I would be thrilled if a woman wanted to watch “Sleepless in Seattle” or “When Harry Met Sally,” but women today don’t watch chick flicks as often as they watch these horrible films they liked since they were little kids, movies that are only good if you saw them for the first time when you were five. I am ashamed to admit I watched “Adventures in Babysitting” just to get laid. It makes me feel cheap and used.

Economic conservatives tend to disagree with things on principle, because they can’t disagree based on evidence.

What if you worship the wrong god, and every time you pray, you’re pissing her off?

I study history, not out of some misguided belief that I can avoid repeating it, but so that when it does repeat, I know the words and can sing along.

Christian math equation:
3=1

I don’t know who first said, “Never look a gift horse in the mouth,” but I bet they lived in Troy.

The first step in being a slave to your emotions is to deny they exist.

A liberal is someone who runs the risk of being on the wrong side of history. A conservative is someone who consistently is.

How do you find a blind guy at a nudist colony? I’ll give you a hint: it’s not hard.

Sometimes I sit and wonder
When the old will learn
They had their fucking chance
Now it’s time we had our turn

Prayer works, but so does not praying.

Cogito ergo sum atheos
I think, therefore I am an atheist

Advantage to having dwarfism: you don’t have to worry about pickpockets. No one would stoop that low.

Mooning someone is the second most fun you can have with your pants off.

Anyone else have a dream where they try to punch someone, but your fist moves in extreme slow motion?

A boss is like a diaper. They’re always on your ass, though you tend to forget about them being there until it becomes apparent that they’re full of shit.

I don’t discriminate against race, age, religion, or even personality. As long as she’s hot.

Sometimes silence is a perpetual lie.

The problem with “zero tolerance” discipline policies is that it harshly punishes minor offenses and never seems to prevent severe ones.

If religions were underwear, being an atheist is going commando.

When it comes to ethics, those who don’t give a shit are clearly lacking in moral fiber.

Tip to police confronting the Occupy Wall Street protesters: you catch more rioters with laughing gas than tear gas.

If God didn’t want His religion to be mocked, He would have made it less hilarious.

My wife and I were about to play a board game, and I said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So, we didn’t play a board game.

They say rape is most common in parking garages. That’s wrong on so many different levels.

Worst idea for a sex-shop item: edible handcuffs

I can relate to vibrantly colored animals, because they value mating more than survival.

If you’ve never offended someone, you’ve probably never spoken the truth. If you’ve never been frustrated, then you’ve probably never stood up to ignorance. If you’ve never cursed someone out, then you’ve probably never been on the internet.

TV Show concept: evil midget with psychic powers escapes from prison.
Title: Small Medium at Large

When God has sex with His wife, she screams my name.

I remember that first morning when I woke up after having accepted that there was no god. The gray Midwest sky seemed just a few shades less gray. I remember thinking, “It all makes sense now. All this time, I thought I didn’t get it, that I was missing out on something. Now, I see that they’re all just trying desperately to fit in, to meet the unrealistic expectations and feel something that isn’t there. But now I’m free. I’m free from all the people who made me feel like shit. I’m free from all of the guilt and shame about not living up to a standard that is as unattainable as it is irrelevant.” That day, I became a born-again-heathen.

I believe in killing with kindness. Did I mention my gun is named “Kindness?”

Being a midget is little more than a small problem, hardly noticeable to some, but others might see something is a tiny bit off. In short, don’t let it hold you down.

You can determine precisely when it was you started caring about politics by thinking back to the time when it seemed like the world went from just fine to being one inch away from complete destruction.

I can order food in three languages, but I can insult you in seventeen. Those are my priorities.

Some questions need no answer. They need only to be asked in order to reap their benefit.

I can’t help it, I just treat people of each gender differently. Like, if I see a guy crying, I want to punch him in the face, whereas if I see a female crying, I want to slap her. Call me old fashioned…

Discrimination is wrong. Everyone deserves to be treated equally, regardless of their race, whether you’re black, brown, red, yellow, or regular.

“I don’t know anyone who’s struggling” isn’t proof that the recession is over, it’s proof that you live a charmed life.

Regarding Obama, I would say I hate his guts, but I’m afraid he doesn’t have any.

I heard hospitals are in desperate need of organ donations. While I can’t afford to donate an organ, I did donate an electronic keyboard, which has an organ setting.

Money talks, and justice is blind, not deaf.

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you’ll get repossessed.

Disturbing fact: on average, five out of six people enjoyed a gang rape.

Republicans are so blinded by flawed ideology, not even their hindsight is 20/20.

I’m allergic to religious nuts.

News reporting in this country has ceased to defend democracy, and instead defends politics.

Sometimes only a few life experiences separate a wise man and a fool.

Pride breeds an “us vs. them” mentality. I don’t believe there’s a “them,” so that means everyone is included in “us,” and I’m certainly not proud of it.

If an embryo is a person, why do eggs taste nothing like chicken?

Random Advice

If you have a long plane trip ahead, don’t shave your pubic hair.

Cell phones get lost and broken all the time, so be sure to always keep a written record of the phone numbers for all of your drug dealers.

If your band is worried about people stealing your music online, you can trip up pirates by changing your name to something like “Topless Blonde” or “Interracial Gangbang.”

If you plan to be camping in windy weather, and you’re worried about your campfire going out, build one using those trick birthday candles.

You look like an idiot if you criticize people for eating “processed food” while eating soy that has been chemically altered to the point where it resembles something else entirely.

If you are ever caught sleeping with someone’s wife, “But she’s already pregnant” is not an acceptable excuse.

It’s offensive to ask a gay couple, “Who wears the pants in the relationship?” You are supposed to ask, “Who wears the condom?”

It’s not worth losing your mind trying to find yourself.

Ladies: it’s not anorexia if you like how you look.

There’s little one can do about tomorrow, but next week is under your control; tomorrow is almost history.

Atheists should make a goal out of turning every church into a museum.

A good time to clean out your car of all those old ketchup packets and straw wrappers if when you see one of those “Adopt-A-Highway” signs and you hate the organization who adopted that stretch.

Breakfast the next morning does not count as a second date.

If you’re driven by money, you’re stuck sitting in the passenger seat of life.

Random Thoughts, June 2011

This is a repost of something I put up at Skeptical Eye this past week. I just decided to share it with you guys, for those who only read this blog and not the other… so what I’m saying is, I don’t blame you if you didn’t see it yet, but if you have, you can save yourself the time and eerie feeling of déjà vu.

Sometimes, I think society isn’t very good at finding the root cause of things. For example, people blame TV for kids doing stupid stuff, but dumb stuff has been on TV as long as there’s been TV, and fairy tales are full of ridiculous situations. Wile E. Coyote was strapping rockets to his roller skates in the 50’s, but kids weren’t going out and doing it... until the 90’s. Why? Maybe because that was the generation that grew up being told, “You can do anything.”

What if the light at the end of the tunnel when we are dying is the world on the other side of our next mother’s vagina? More importantly, where can I get more of this weed?

I hate stuck up rich kids who were born on third base and act like they hit a triple. I’m not suggesting they go back to first base (I didn’t), but at least acknowledge reality.

They say love is blind, but maybe it just wears sunglasses to look cool.

Maybe if we had more gays in the military, we would have known how to pull out of a shit hole.

I’m against animal testing, because it encourages researchers to only teach to the exam. Animals need a broader education.

Anthony Weiner essentially resigned for performing actions which I’m pretty sure are a requirement of running for office as a Republican.

I studied philosophy, so I’m looking forward to the collapse of civilization, because I’m uniquely qualified to work in conditions similar to those of ancient Greece.

I often hear people say that America is a land of excess. America practices many things in moderation, like equality, justice, peace, vacation, mercy… in fact, all the best stuff, we ration it out quite modestly.

Some would have you believe education is too expensive, but education is priceless. It is ignorance which is too expensive.

Plenty of atheists waste time talking to religious people about things like evidence and logic. If religious people relied on logic and evidence, they wouldn’t be religious people.

It’s interesting to note that when children hang out in a box, it is considered quaint, but adults hanging out in a box... is just sad.

Suits are a lie, worn.

Scientists have determined that we are always being watched by a duck. They aren’t sure which duck, yet, and are seeking funding for further studies.

Headlines Fox News dreads having to run:
Allah Declared One True God
Rain Forecast for Swearing in of Pres. Rodriguez
Jesus Returns; Buddhists Seen Floating Away
Reagan Was Gay
It’s Official: Whites Are Moving Back to Europe
Poor People Now Have Healthcare
Everything Seems Fine
Obama fixes economy; Boehner: He’s still a nigger

There will never be enough kingdoms for all the kings and queens.

I keep seeing ads for sites claiming to be “The Facebook of Sex.” Isn’t that what the actual Facebook is for?

Advice for finding a date: don’t be ugly.

Did you know that in America, only 1 in 20 people are in the top 5%? If you have an American education, probably not.

I sometimes wonder where all the comments I lost go when Blogger errors out. I like to think the good ones go to a magical place up in the clouds, where they hang out with each other for all of eternity. The bad ones (along with deleted comments) burn forever in lost comment hell. Or maybe they just disappear forever...

I want shoes that can detect when I’m running up stairs and will start playing “Rocky” music.

Whenever I feel bad about downloading music illegally, I watch MTV Cribs.

In California, there are solar powered tanning salons. I’m serious, Google it.

If money can’t buy happiness, poverty definitely can’t afford it.

My favorite Wheel of Fortune “Before and After” puzzles that will never be:
Fucked Over And Out
What the Fuck Off
Dumb As Dog Shit for Brains

Americans have a little something extra, by which I mean… you know how when you’re putting something back together and there are screws left over, but you don’t know where they belong? Yeah, that “something extra.”

I never thought I’d want a gun
‘Til I heard birds at 5:01

Canadian politics makes about as much sense to me as round bacon.

I don’t like the term “pro-life.” You can’t support the death penalty or frivolous wars and then call yourself “pro-life” just because you oppose abortion. And it’s a little suspicious that these same people claim to care about “life,” but they really oppose the idea of poor people being provided healthcare. These people aren’t “pro-life,” they’re “pro-birth,” which makes sense, because in their world of unnecessary death, you need more births to keep up.

I used to wonder why they called it “morbid obesity,” but then I realized it’s because fat people wear so much black.

If anyone has seen Radio Bloger, please contact the authorities. He was last seen throwing a strawman down a slippery slope.

Just for the sake of the pun, I want to write a book about Mongolian literature and leaders called “The Prose and Kahns of Mongolia.”

Banking: never have so few taken so much from so many

As a liberal, I have to say that I’m proud of Fox News for hiring the mentally retarded.

Worst pick-up line ever: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would rape you.

In Soviet Russia, people rob bank. In Capitalist America, bank robs people.

Headlines from a world that never had religion:
Middle East Celebrates 3000th Year of Peace
New Additions to WTC Complete
More Good News from the Mars Colonies

I wouldn’t want to have offended the elephant man, because you just know he would have never forgotten it.

Religions are like Taco Bell beef: neither is primarily what they claim to be, and the more you know about what’s actually in both of them, the less appealing they are.

Even More Random Thoughts

If you spray bug repellant on an insect, does it just become really unpopular?

There is a very fine line between camping and homelessness.

You ever take acid and get into a debate about whether the soul is a solid, liquid, gas or plasma? Yeah, me neither…

They call common people “the salt of the earth” because if you salt the the earth, nothing good ever grows there again.

Satan follows the trail of money when he comes to claim you. Satan lives in your Sunday best.

New York has so much diversity. You can go out on the street and there will be people of every ethnicity and language telling you to “fuck off.”

Do deaf people ever sign in their sleep?

John McCain’s mom is so old she can remember when horses were domesticated.

Why do Christians bury the dead if they believe hell is underground?

After 2012, be ready for 2060. This is the year Newton predicted for the end of times.

I took Spanish and French in school, but the closest I come to understanding another language is when I read an analog clock, especially if it’s in Roman numerals.

We call what is happening right now “the present” because it is like a gift: you have no control over what it will be, you rarely get what you want, and you usually enjoyed the anticipation more.

Religion was the cradle of philosophy, but how long can one be expected to stay in a cradle?

Every fool sincerely hopes that the problems caused by knowledge can be cured with ignorance, for what choice does he have?

Baracknophobia = the irrational fear that Obama will spin a web of tyranny

Chief Smackaho = Native American rapper

I don’t know why religious people call it “apologetics.” They never apologize for all the shitty things religion has done. If anything, they almost seem to be defending religion… they should call it “unapologetics.”

By Fortuna’s whim, fools advance
Tethered to the wheel of Chance

There are 2900 different species of snakes, and that’s not even counting politicians and bankers.

More Random Thoughts

Barack Hussein Obama anagrams:
Bob’s Marihuana Cakes
Bareback Human Oasis (band name, or gentleman's club)
Anarchism: Bake us a B.O.
Anarchism: use a kabob
Ciao Bush, Smear a Bank
Smack a Ho, Brain Abuse
*A Moan* Bush Era Is Back

Truth is mightier than the gods, for truth persists even when we stop believing.

The system tells us to not blame the system. They want to blame bad apples, even though the problem is the barrel.

Iceburging: the game teenagers play that isn’t ACTUALLY having sex, dubbed “iceburging” because it’s “just the tip.”

Can God create a rock so large not even He can move it? I think so, since I can close a two-liter bottle of soda so tight not even I can open it.

Republicans have some big balls, but Democrats don’t have the balls to point out that they’re so big, it’s unhealthy. Republicans essentially suffer from elephantiasis.

Covetol: the pill to prevent communism

“Quiet Observation” is the first chapter in the Book of Wisdom.

America does not have a democracy, or rule of the majority. Instead, we have rule by the majority of those deluded enough to believe Democrats and Republicans are different, or as I like to call it, an “ignorocracy.”

Let your mind always remain open, so that even if a bad idea enters, it may exit just as easily.

The religious choose to believe a lie that rhymes with the truth.

Might does not make right, Might merely gets his way until he is killed in his sleep.

My mom and I always had a weird relationship, like landlord and tenant. I guess it goes back to when I was living in her womb. I was born via Caesarian section. So of course, I didn’t get my deposit back.

Analogy of the day:
Darwinism : Social Darwinism : : Scientist : Christian Scientist

If all the world’s a stage, where was I during rehearsal?

Things are so much more simple than we wish they were.

Some may wonder how I come up with a new ridiculous Bible quote every single day, but I wonder how people are able to find anything useful or inspirational between all the nonsense.

Patriotism: waving American flags with “Made in China” printed on them.

Random Thoughts

Men don’t treat women like objects, we treat them like people we want to fuck. If women can’t see the difference, that’s their problem. Some females say men treat women like objects because they’re projecting; women often do look at men as a “piece of meat,” and it’s even common for women to make a practice of using objects for sexual gratification. Men rarely use objects. We prefer people (or our own human hand). Hence, it is women who objectify for the purposes of sex, not men.

I love how sports drinks and men’s deoderant have the same names. Usually two words, a chilly adjective and a noun. “Arctic Refresh,” “Fresh Blast,” “Frost Glacier,” “Fierce Melon.”

We should put Bush on the trillion dollar bill. I mean, we already associate him with trillion dollar bills, so why not make it official?

I’m pretty sure the spot in our brains that stores economic theory is the same spot that stores ethics, and it’s not that big.

I think the phrase “within an inch of your/his/her life” is inaccurate. Shouldn’t it be “within an inch of their death”? If it was within an inch of their life, that means they were just short of living. “Yeah, they got him good. They beat him within an inch of his life. If they’d hit him just one more time, he’d have probably survived.”

Ninjavitis = the leading cause of tooth loss among martial artists

Nearvana = getting distracted at the last second before achieving enlightenment

Dramakaze = causing a scene at a public event while taking someone down with you

Superegotism = cultural bias

A bold mistake is no more noble than a sheepish one, and twice as difficult to correct.

I see ads online for sites claiming to be the Facebook and MySpace of sex. Isn’t that what Facebook and MySpace already are?

If your cup if half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.

Some music just sounds better than it actually is.

Truth emerges despite persecution. In fact, persecution is the fertilizer in which truth grows. Just at the point when we’re drowning in all the crap, we discover consensus. It’s easy for everyone to see eye to eye when we’re neck-deep in shit. Truth does not fail under criticism, it prevails because of it.

Oxymoron of the day: “business class”

There’s nothing wrong with sex on the TV, but I don’t know how people balance on those new flat screens.

Thanks to marketing, no one needs to make the products you want, they just get you to want the products they make.

Overheard on the street: “I’m as queer as a football bat!”

If you’ve never read the Bible, I recommend it… even though Christians ruined the ending by going public with it.

Consolidation is tyranny. Dispersing power over many people is democracy, not “big government.”

You know when it is you stop growing up and start growing old? When the pictures your friends post to Facebook go from drunken parties and concerts to wedding photos and pictures of kids.

New change to the pledge of allegiance: “…with liberty and justice, for all we know.”

I think there’s too much doubt these days, but I can’t be sure.

Maybe none of this would have happened if up was down.

How many nightmares does your dream cost?

My mind rejects religion,
Or is my soul allergic to superstition?

Statistics show that 4 out of 10 Americans suffer from depression; the other 6 just deal with it.

Have you ever noticed people who think with their gut usually have their head up their ass?

I don’t trust Barack Obama’s white half.

Neither of my parents are more than 50% of any one ethnicity. I don’t consider myself part of any race, but that’s mostly because I hate running.

I’m unemployed, which is the atheist equivalent of being a monk. I find myself living off the kindness of others, and I therefore find myself encouraging kindness in others.

Ideas for businesses:
- Alcohol Pills: They’re what ales you!
- My own line of blacktie formal wear: It’s not a tuxedo, it’s a “Succeedo!”
- Christ Crisps: potato chips with an image of Jesus burned into each one. Buy a bag full of miracles today!
[Notice all the exclamation points... you have to seem excited in advertising]

Random (European) Thoughts

These are some random thoughts from my trip to Europe. I’ll probably expand on some of them later for blog posts, but for now the raw notes will do.

A lifetime spent in ignorance, regardless of how long, is no recipe for wisdom.

Might cannot make right; might merely gets its way. The threat of violence is a display of frustration at being unable, or unwilling, to debate through logic.

As far as Gods go, Mercury is way better than Jesus. Mercury has a line of cars, a planet, and an element on the periodic table named after him. What does Jesus have? Christmas? His name used in anger? A bunch of buildings people can’t wait to get out of so they can enjoy the rest of their weekend?

How can we overcome our primeval programming to distrust what is slightly different now that we are faced with overwhelming evidence that diversity, not uniformity, is beneficial from an evolutionary standpoint?

I prefer to eat animals over plants, out of respect. All animals live on other life forms, and I find this justifies their death. Plants, on the other hand, live off of the sun and nutrients in the soil, completely blameless of murder. Sure, there’s Venus Fly Traps, but they’re the exception. So I guess a salad of Venus Fly Traps or other carnivorous plants would be alright.

If one wishes to kill no life, one must consume milk, honey, and eggs (if pro-coice). Cheese and yogurt have bacterial cultures in them, so they aren’t allowed. Nuts, fruits and seeds are probably allowed if they naturally fall off the plant. Animals that die of natural causes may be morally acceptable, though not necessarily safe.

All movies are in 3D. Some are just in 4D. You see, a still image would be two dimensional. A moving image is three dimensional: it exhibits length, width, and time. With special glasses, one can experience a fourth dimension, one normally not experienced: depth.

Technology relieves mankind of the drudgery of manual labor, but not of the drudges themselves.

The armies of the world are not true enemies, but are instead codependent allies who rely upon each other to justify their own existence. There is no war between the US and Al Qaeda; they are allies in the battle against a civil existence. It is the violent forces of the world competing for funds against those of us who are peaceful and have real jobs. Let the animals play GI Joe on their own dime.

Peace must always be the goal of war, just as leisure is the goal of work. Those who work without leisure are slaves, and those who fight without peace are slaves to the labor of war.

I can’t wait to be an old man, then I’ll finally have an excuse.

When those who have been told all their lives that they are weak and powerless finally pick up their torches and hammers, I hope to have a good view.

Much scorn is heaped upon leaders who treat their citizens harshly, but it is my opinion that they are better than those who allow their citizens complete freedom, while allowing tyranny to be the nation’s chief export. At least the tyrant at home harms only those who have created him.

No one of wealth ought to feel safe in a healthy democracy.

Studying the Bible will make one educated. Believing it will make one a fool.

The lesson of Jesus is played out in much of history, from Kennedy to MLK to Gandhi: to kill the body is to immortalize their image and message.

One must do better than to destroy one’s enemies; one must correct them.

At places where rich people congregate, all kinds of free things are given out. It is a travesty that we live in a system where those with the most are freely given more, while those with very little must fight to the death for everything they get.

I don’t know for certain the importance of love, but I do know that I have never heard of a dying person saying, “I wish I had told more people I hated them.”

Sometimes the most direct path forward requires a step to the side, or even backwards.

Our first impulse is to trust our first impulse, but consider the source. What a tricky instinct our first impulse can be.

It is an odd fact of human nature that we are moderate when we believe the state to be at peace, and fanatical when we believe the state to be at war.

There’s at least one guy out there who owns a Segway and a treadmill, and I bet he doesn’t even see the irony in it.

It has always been a battle between the interests of the many and the interests of the few who have become accustomed to wealth.

Those who are politically unaffiliated in America are not considered neutral, but are instead attacked from both sides.

The greatest sin of Socrates and Jesus was their complete lack of written exposition. As far as we know, neither one wrote a single word. They both left their legacies in the hands of their fans; what a dangerous thought.

Do not fear death, for it is a simple process. It is easy. Anyone from a newborn to the feeble elderly can do it, and billions before you have experienced it without returning to complain.

The conservative paranoid delusion of liberalism:
The liberals will gouge out our eyes at birth so we cannot see our differences. They will puncture our ear drums so we cannot hear lies. They will chop off our hands so we cannot make more than we are given. They will cripple our legs so we cannot explore or escape. They fear greatness, stifling its development at every turn, because it would disprove the grand ideal of equality. They will not be satisfied until we are all prisoners in broken bodies, sharing the same universal experience of misery.

A political party always enacts the opposite of their rhetoric. The liberal preaches diversity while seeking to make sure everyone is treated the same. The conservative preaches fiscal and moral responsibility while assuming neither.

Everyone has these ribbons now, and breast cancer is one of the most funded diseases at the moment. However, prostate cancer kills more men than breast cancer kills women. So, I suggest October become Proctober for Brown Ribbon Month. Give a shit about prostate cancer! And there won’t be any 5k walks, maybe a 5 hour sit-on-your-butt-athon. Maybe a NASCAR event would be appropriate; those people seem to have something up their ass.

Women appear more intelligent in many relationships because they usually wait to speak second.

Are there any Christians who won’t wear Nike shoes because its named after a heathen goddess? Or that won’t drive Saturn or Mercury cars?

Display your power and wealth through art, for wars only inspire awe in the lifetime of those who fought them.

Anarchists are like political cleaners who wash away the scum, or wrecking balls that break down the walls, all in an effort to start fresh.

Some will try to tell you painting is art and graffiti is vandalism, but I fail to see the difference.

Everyone is sick and tired of being told what the word Islam means; it is potentially as violent as every other religion.

The time for barbaric rivalries is coming to an end. We must turn to civilized cooperation over savage competition.

It is funny that so many Americans scoff at Europe for being largely Socialized. Americans believe Europeans do not partake in the same self-destructive displays of excess that so many Americans recklessly flaunt as “success.” However, the truth is there are still plenty of selfish assholes in Europe. They didn’t ship them all to America, but they did a good job getting rid of most of them.

Some would like us to believe the romantic lie that competition breeds progress, but I have yet to see this supposed competition. I see only a system of power and control which masquerades as a free market, the reins of which are handed down between a few families.

Economic free markets are not competition in the same sense as in sports. If a team like the Yankees, which has been around a long time, was allowed to have 20 men on the field, while a new expansion team was allowed 9, this would more closely resemble the supposed competition within the marketplace. Competition only occurs when a market is new, and then dies quickly into a coercive oligopoly.

If greatness were genetic or taught, there should be endless lineages of great people. Instead, if we look at history, we see only a transmission of wealth through inheritance, with spoiled brats being the most common spawn of randomly occurring greatness.

Small talk is for small minds. The ignorant take offense at the mere existence of differing opinions on matters such as religion or politics. Intellectuals revel in discussion and debate, even though they may (and often do) disagree. This is the easiest way to distinguish between people based on the power of their mind: willingness to confront and discuss different ideas.

We are all called to be heroes. But what is a hero? I would say a hero is one who ignores the possibility of failure while doing what they feel is right, and who scoffs at everything that stands in their way – especially death.

The only substantial decision made by most CEO’s is how many zeros will be on their own pay check.

We should replace the heads of every company in the nation. I am not suggesting the decapitation of every corporation, merely the trimming of unruly hair.

The myth of the entrepreneur is a sales pitch for capitalism made by ambitious shysters in an attempt to justify their wealth. I do not believe in the greatness of a person, only the greatness of the people, for theirs are the giant shoulders upon which these “elite” con men have dubiously perched. Why are these few who stand atop the others valued more? Would those at the bottom or in the middle not bring the whole thing lower without their presence? How can we weigh the influence of every person who has affected these “great” individuals, from crib to grave? No one makes their journey to the top alone, like a solitary mystic on a mountain top receiving revelations. This is a myth; a lie meant to blind us to what the wealthy withhold from the whole.

The possibility of change for the worse must be an accepted risk, so that change for the better remains possible. We must never insist on stasis.

A Christian from one century would not approve the Christian doctrine of any other, and it is this constant evolution which has allowed it to persist.

He with the most toys is most distracted.

Someone must reconcile Jesus and Marx if we are to ever progress in America. They really were very similar people, despite Marx’s complete dismissal of Jesus. Both are champions for the poor against the wealthy powers of the world, and both had beards. Never underestimate the beards.

The moral values of most Americans are trapped in the 20th Century. Perhaps this is an attempt to hold onto our lost glory. Maybe we believe if we keep acting as we did back then, greatness will return. However, this is not how evolution works. We must adapt, change, and improve, or die.

Conservative economists are quick to point out that economics is not zero sum. They stress this idea, and it is true, in an attempt to prove that the rich cannot possibly be guilty of withholding from the poor. However, if I owned an apple tree, every year apples would grow. I would gain far more than I put in, much like an economy. The apples are not zero-sum, but are instead a steady and nearly endless supply of apples over the long run. However, if every year I only give some of my apples to my friends, denying apples to others, I am still withholding the fruits of my work. If I colluded with other apple tree owners, we could ensure entire generations of people never tasted an apple. This is the model of our current economy. The principle is the same with all renewable commodities, and even more apparent in industries like mining and drilling, where resources are much tighter.

How convenient to the rebel that what takes generations to build can be burned in a day.

I am a citizen of civilization, and all good people are my fellow nationals. Only the brutes and savages in suits are foreign to me.

There is a reason so many of our best and brightest go insane.

I attribute my intelligence to never wearing a tie. More blood to the brain.

As for my intelligence, I am smart enough to recognize when I have made a mistake, but not smart enough to prevent me from making it.

I fear getting a job, especially a job doing something awful, because I have always excelled at everything I attempted.

Men get women to wear heels so they can’t run away.

Has anyone ever seen or even heard of a Church of Gideon?

Consumer culture has convinced the average person to willingly pay a premium to be a billboard.

It is clearly within the capacity of the religious to exhibit skepticism. Just listen to their feelings on “cults.” A religious person will tell you all about how they brainwash good, innocent people and then get them to do dirty work for an evil organization bent only on gaining more members and money. If only there was such a thing as a mirror for criticism…

A revolution is best run by both the young and the elderly together on one side, as both are disenfranchised by the middle. The young can out-fight the middle, and the elderly and out-think them.

It requires not benevolence, but either naivety or cruelty to treat your friends the same as your enemies.

Intellect is like gold; it can flow freely through the stream of the mind, but for most it must be arduously mined.

I can’t stand people who know where everything ought to be, but not where anything is.

I really value self-sacrifice, but only in other people.

Last Scattered Thoughts (For A While)

Perhaps religion persists through each member’s shared desire to feel whatever everyone else claims to feel. Perhaps it is through Stockholm Syndrome.

Enthusiomosis – excitement that permeates to others

If every banker, lawyer, and preacher was thrown into the Grand Canyon, it would still not be filled, but the world would be infinitely happier for it.

Speak the truth quietly, or be prepared for the consequences.

History has taught me that we do not learn from history.

I hate flattery, and have successfully avoided it by remaining completely unimportant.

Having to listen to someone ramble for years on end is usually one of two things. If you get a piece of paper afterwards, it’s called an “education.” If you get a piece of paper before it started, it’s called a “marriage.”

Those afraid of heights should not stand on the shoulders of giants and look down.

Waterboarding: aka “the terrorist baptism”

No hero’s path is easy, but not every difficult path is heroic.

I think a woman coined the term “spooning,” because a man probably would have called it “forking.” It had to be a man who coined “doggy-style,” because most animals do it in that position, yet we chose dogs. Women would have called it something like “kitten-style” or “pony-style.”

The only questions a man ever asks a woman: Are you angry at me? Does that feel good?

Republican chant:
We’re straight
We hate
Get used to it!

It’s funny how the words, “We’re at war,” can negate all logic and wisdom.

Orientated – not the same as oriented. Oriented means “to be directed or instructed,” whereas orientated means “the process of becoming Oriental.” [It actually means “to face east.”]

Religion tells its followers not only what they should do, but also what others ought to be doing. It attempts to infect others, be they family and close friends, or even the entire society.

Philosophers, bioethicists, and priests amuse themselves in debate over genetic engineering as if their noise will slow, or even stop, technological inevitability. However, there is no debate, only a race to perfect and implement it properly. Our moral posturing serves only to determine in which country the advances will be utilized first.

There is an exciting opportunity in genetic engineering to redefine what it means to be human. I am very optimistic about the whole idea, as I see my species as having no place to go but up.

If the path you take is behind a popular master, you will find yourself walking not in his footsteps, but in those of his followers.

Who achieved more: you, a real person who will be forgotten, or Zeus, who is remembered despite never having existed? It’s depressing to think that imaginary characters are the subject of paintings and have statues erected to them, while most of us will be forgotten in just centuries.

Even More Scattered Thoughts

Little known facts about the blogger:
- World-renowned expert on weekends
- Allergic to ignorance
- Passionate supporter of anything with pasta
- Has never eaten horse meat
- Has a deep-rooted fear of long walks on the beach
- Is considered by some indigenous people to bring good luck

This morning, I ate a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream for breakfast. I figured it counts as both a glass of milk and brushing my teeth.

I put great effort into being funny, because funny guys don’t have to learn to dance.

The Joke That Technology Killed: “I hate phone numbers with a lot of 8’s and 9’s. It takes so long to dial them, am I right?” See, cause they actually had these dials… never mind.

Dehydrophobia – the fear of being thirsty

A republican’s idea of choice: heaven or hell.

Claiming a band’s music is good on drugs is like saying someone is attractive if you’re drunk.

Stress is a whetstone: it sharpens those who know how to handle it, and dulls those who don’t.

I can speak to animals, but it turns out to be a useless skill. They’re all compulsive liars.

A kid is like a tattoo: one drunken night, and you’re stuck with it forever.

Our errors never seem so right as when we are blindly defending them. This is why we fools love to bicker.

Christianity’s biggest problem is its simultaneous adherence to two concepts: the golden rule and self-sacrifice. How can you do unto others as you would have done unto you if you’re also willing to sacrifice yourself? It is merely a complex scheme of justifying the sacrifice of others. Those who deny themselves of certain rights and pleasures think nothing of denying it for others.

Liars trust no one, and thieves always lock their doors.

A kind man changes himself to better suit the world; a jerk changes the world to better suit himself. This is why the world is run by jerks.

The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. Hate is the product of ignorance, confusion, and frustration; its opposite is enlightened patience.

Some would have you believe that you can only be moral if you are also noticeably miserable.

I have seen hell. It is a mall, and it is always Christmas Eve.

If you envision wisdom to be an opiate that makes life bearable, give up books and start drugging yourself now.

Scientists are wrong quite often; priests, always.

More Scattered Thoughts

Does breakfast the next morning count as a second date?

Every event has a cause; some have a reason; very few have a purpose.

How do the elderly have the balls to criticize modern music when oldies such as “Sixteen Candles” and “Sweet Little Sixteen” are overtly pedophilic? And just what is the Beach Boy’s song “Two Girls for Every Boy” trying to say: California is for threesomes, or in California you can treat your girlfriend like crap because you can replace her? That generation thinks it has a right to censor us, but in the poignant vernacular of my generation, all I have to say is “Move, bitch, get out da way!”

If you’d die for atheism, you missed the point.

Children’s book idea: “Everybody Screws.”

“Bottom line” sounds like a euphemism for “asscrack.”

My kids will be half Jewish, but I hear they round up.

Jesus may have been able to turn water into wine, but I can turn water into tea OR hot chocolate.

I’m thinking of getting into real estate. Not in the traditional sense. Are you familiar with “squatter’s rights?”

I yearn to work in a factory while machines take orders from customers. There is far more satisfaction from making something than from having to deal with jackasses all day. We gave the wrong jobs to the machines.

I sometimes break the monotony of my day by being friendly. It really throws people off.

Viagra is a pretty popular commercial these days. So is that other stuff that you don’t need a prescription for… what’s it called… oh yeah, Girls Gone Wild.

Science becomes religion when theories outpace experimentation and data.

Bad drug combos
- Acid and pot: you risk having a life changing experience and forgetting it.
- Sleeping pills and laxatives: obvious
- Cocaine and Dave Matthew Band: recipe for instant douchebag
- This one is more of an equation: Alcohol + Ex = Abortion

I’m not gay, but Jesus is hot. He has a wicked six-pack. I’d nail him… wait, that came out wrong.

I owe my wonderful education to my luck of having horrible teachers who encouraged me to ignore school.

Dogs lick everything: your face, trash, their own ass, though usually in reverse order.

We should be able to sue MTV for false advertising. Change your name or change your programming. Can you imagine walking into Pizza Hut and trying to order pizza, and they tell you “Sorry, we sell electronics. If you want pizza, go to Bed, Bath and Beyond.”

The term “sixty-nine” doesn’t seem anatomically correct to me. Sure, two gay guys can do 69, but wouldn’t a guy and girl be 68? Lesbians would do 88. I dunno, maybe I’m picturing the numbers wrong. I don’t remember math being this fun in school.

Scattered Thoughts

I have some random, disparate ideas I have been pondering for a while. Some are open questions, some are statements of observation, some are meant to be funny, some are meant to sound pseudo-wise. I just want to get them off my chest.

I have yet to hear anyone define the words "good" or "bad" to my satisfaction, yet is doesn't seem to stop any of us from frequently using them with mutual understanding.

American politics are to democracy what professional wrestling is to sports: a lot of talk, very little action, and completely rigged.

Politicians on both sides go on and on about "family values," when what they really support is childhood naivete. The family isn't just children, it's also young and fully grown adults.

GOP: Gang Of Puritans, Gadflies Of Progress, Greed Over Prosperity, Gamble Our Pensions, Gag Order Politics, Greasey Old Perverts

It is strange to me that those who speak of "destroying the self" spend so much time alone in their own thoughts, "meditating."

Why do we only consider a man sane when he remains part of an insane system?

I think medical science is a rodent conspiracy. We have treatments for every disease that could ever be contracted by rats and mice.

If over half the population was depressed, would they diagnose happiness as a disorder? I'm sure they would if they found a pill that prevented it. What would they call it? Miserol? No, you need letters from the end of the alphabet for new medication... something like Sadizine or Depressix.

I don't know which teaches you more: words of wisdom or the follies of fools. I do know which is more entertaining.

My wedding went off without a hitch, although we got hitched.

Maybe everything has to die to ensure that nothing awful remains forever.

If I had followed half of the advice I've given, I'd be twice the man I am today.

Regarding God's omnipotence, I do know this: the Christian God DOES have limits. He failed and had to flood the world once, and Jesus was frequently frustrated by people's lack of comprehension. If there's one thing out of God's control, it's clearly us... and He can't believe how stupid we are.

Republicans know that once they can marry the same sex, they are one step closer to their darkest fantasy: marrying their pet. Sick people.

If someone asks you if you're wearing boxers or briefs, and you're going commando, they don't try to argue that being underwearless is a style of underwear. So why do people think atheism is a religion?

I know Jesus loves me, but I think He's rushing things. I barely know Him, I mean He hasn't even friended me on Facebook. In fact, I never even thought of Him as anything more than a fuck buddy. It's not Him, it's me. I just think we should see other deities.

Christians only talk about being like Jesus. If they actually did act like him, they might not be so annoying, and the world would be a better place. Just imagine, every Christian hanging on a cross... truly heaven on Earth.

It is time for white people to take some heat. We've been on the top shelf so long we're not even good anymore. No one likes stale crackers.