Please remember, this whole article is tongue in cheek. Granted, I wish it was a vegetarian’s tongue, but still…
Eating meat is intertwined with our physiology. The energy from meat allowed us to develop our brains, and was essential for human evolution.
When I see one of these plant-murdering vegetarian assholes try to lecture someone against eating meat, I have only one instinct: to hunt them.
What is wrong with you vegetarians? What did plants ever do to you? What have plants done to anyone? Plants don’t eat people or animals. Unless you’re eating a salad of Venus flytraps, you’re committing a genocide against innocent organisms that live off the sun, dirt and water.
Why do you vegetarians hate harmless vegetation that never did anything but make oxygen for you to breathe? How does it feel being a heartless, ungrateful piece of shit? People have been killed by pigs, but I have never heard of lettuce so much as injuring anyone.
I, on the other hand, eat primarily animals. Every animal on the planet eats other living things, either other animals or poor, defenseless plants. Animals are parasites upon the land. I try to eat only other parasites, because I respect plants and I don’t mind making that extra effort (I’m talking about long after eating… in the bathroom).
Vegetarians are willfully denying one of the most human activities: eating meat. Vegetarians might be human, I don’t know, I’m not a biologist. I do know, however, that vegetarians are lower on the food chain than me. Ergo, I should be allowed to eat them.
And before you judge me, remember: Hitler was a vegetarian. If I had had my way, someone would have eaten Hitler.
So really, you have to ask yourself, “Do I love Hitler?”
"People have been killed by pigs, but I have never heard of lettuce so much as injuring anyone."
ReplyDeleteBroccoli is actually one of the most deadly vegetables. It tries to warn you with its terrible taste.
Eating meat is intertwined with our physiology. The energy from meat allowed us to develop our brains, and was essential for human evolution. Unless you mean is essential for human evolution, your point is irrelevant. As humans, eating human meat is much healthier than eating the meat of other animals, so your argument supports eating Grandma, not cows. That said, those that live the longest in this world are virtual vegetarians. I am not sure your faith that meat is the healthy way to go is perfectly accurate.
ReplyDeleteWhen I see one of these plant-murdering assholes try to lecture someone against eating meat, I have only one instinct: to hunt them. That made me chuckle out loud. I never caused a plant pain, caused one agony for sport, or deprived one of something it wanted.
What is wrong with you vegetarians? Primarily that we are vegetarians.
What did plants ever do to you? Nothing, which is why we cause them no pain or deny deprive them of anything they want.
What have plants done to anyone? Plants don’t eat people or animals. You forgot about the flytrap.
Unless you’re eating a salad of Venus flytraps Crap, now you remember.
you’re committing a genocide against innocent organisms that live off the sun, dirt and water. That’s not what genocide is. Genocide is trying to rid the world of a species. Plant eaters don’t do that.
Why do you vegetarians hate harmless vegetation that never did anything but make oxygen for you to breathe? Because our mothers made us eat broccoli.
How does it feel being a heartless, ungrateful piece of shit? It feels as good as virtue, probably better.
People have been killed by pigs, but I have never heard of lettuce so much as injuring anyone I never heard of anyone causing a head of lettuce to experience pain and suffering.
I, on the other hand, eat primarily animals You heartless piece of shit!
Every animal on the planet eats other living things, either other animals or poor, defenseless plants. Understood: sin is my justification for sin.
Vegetarians are willfully denying one of the most human activities: eating meat. This is a very good argument. It is unfair to ask a species to be something that is not in accordance with its nature. The species did not create itself and it has a right to exist without misery. Some “sins” it commits, are nothing more than medicate a condition created by a higher power, which is to say, nature. This one line should have been your whole article. The article would not have been nearly as funny or pleasing to read, but it would have been very profound and logical instead.
Vegetarians might be human We may be plants.
I do know, however, that vegetarians are lower on the food chain than me. Actually, they are exactly equal. Our overall nutritional value is ironically similar.
Ergo, I should be allowed to eat them. Most of your arguments support human cannibalism, though you did not use them for that purpose. This is just another.
And before you judge me, remember: Hitler was a vegetarian. If I had had my way, someone would have eaten Hitler. As you know, the fact that Hitler did something does not make it right or wrong. Comparing anything to Hitler to show it is good or bad is fallacious.
So really, you have to ask yourself, “Do I love Hitler?” Not anymore. He became spoiled and completely inedible long ago, though I suspect he was a delightful comestible for a brief period after his demise.
As humans, eating human meat is much healthier than eating the meat of other animals, so your argument supports eating Grandma, not cows.
ReplyDeleteNot my grandma... she's not a vegetarian.
Because our mothers made us eat broccoli.
Mine did, too, though I view it as "food rape."
We may be plants.
If you were, you'd be safe from me, that's for sure.
As you know, the fact that Hitler did something does not make it right or wrong.
Ah, but I didn't say, "Vegetarians are wrong because Hitler was a vegetarian." I said, "Wouldn't it be nice if someone ate Hitler?" I stand by that.
I suspect he was a delightful comestible for a brief period after his demise.
Yeah, if you like blackened Fuhrer...
Yeah, if you like blackened Fuhrer... OK, that was too good. I concede the entire discussion.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I though that last zinger lost the debate for me, I still refuse to start eating meat after being a vegetarian for 30 years.
Thirty years without meat? How do you have the energy to type?
ReplyDeleteLots of protein, just no meat.
ReplyDeleteI laughed out loud reading the Title of this, and everyone in the room turned and looked at me as if I had lost my mind. This was funny stuff.
ReplyDelete