Some Christian Clichés, Rethought

I get the feeling that when some people hear something for the septillionth time, they just nod their head and accept it, as if a nonsensical collection of words which lack any logic is somehow acceptable because it has been said so often. Some apparently take it for granted that they’re still supposedly using the English language.

I am not one of those people. Often, Christians are.

I don’t want to call Christians broken records, because some people reading this probably don’t know what a “record” is, so I’ll just say that Christians are like an iPod stuck on “repeat song.” Their brain has gigs of space, but it seems like all they ever listen to is “Oh Mickey, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind, hey Mickey *clap clap… clap* hey Mickey!”

So, I will take it upon myself to explain why some of these clichés ought to be retired, and as always, I will do my best to give a suitable replacement.

“God wouldn’t give you something to do if He didn’t think you could handle it.” Really? I wish someone had told that to the little kid on my block growing up who died of leukemia. Clearly he just wasn’t a fighter. Maybe he didn’t pray hard enough. Or maybe this is just a completely full-of-shit statement that it should be legal to groin-kick someone over if they say it publicly. If you ask me, the phrase should be, “God wouldn’t give you something to do if he didn’t get a kick out of watching you struggle through it.”

“I’ll pray for you.” Often said when someone is going through hard times, and I don’t have a problem with it in such circumstances (though it is an empty act, it’s also harmless). I hate this cliché when someone has a long discussion with me about my religion (or lack thereof, as the case may be) and I emphatically state that I have no interest in accepting Jesus in their particular cultic fashion, yet they still say they’ll pray for me. Look, I don’t care if you curse me, it makes no difference. I’ll make a deal: you pray for me, and I’ll think for you. This way, we’re both doing what we’re good at.

“God loves everyone unconditionally.” Really? You’re sure? You are 100% positive of that? Good, then I don’t have to be a Christian. Oh, I get it, there’s a condition, and I have to love Him first. Noted.

“There is nothing you can do that will make Jesus stop loving you.” Look, this is getting creepy. If He loves me so much, He should tell me Himself, not send His friend, a la 5th grade. Next you’re going to hand me a folded up note saying, “Do you love God?” with “Yes” and “No” at the bottom, right above where it says, in parenthesis “Circle one.” This must be why they have to get you while you’re young…

“I have Christ in my heart.” Not unless McDonalds makes their French fries in Jesus grease. In fact, can we please just retire the whole idea of the heart being anything but a blood pump?

“What would Jesus do?” I’m all for people actually acting like Jesus. Jesus healed the sick, for free. He fed the hungry, cared for the poor, and hung out with sailors at weddings where they drank so much, they ran out of wine. Jesus was friends with prostitutes and those damn, dirty tax men working for the government. Basically… Jesus was a liberal. Maybe the cliché ought to be, “Jesus would have hated Republicans.”

“Jesus still loves you!” Seriously… I’m sure he does, but I think we should see other people. Tell him it’s not him, it’s me. I just have a lot going on, and I don’t have time for a relationship with a 2000 year old Jewish Messiah. Don’t tell him this, but he has a lot of emotional baggage I’m just not interested in dealing with, like his whole “savior” complex, not to mention his weird mother issues, where he doesn’t even want to admit she ever had sex… honestly, I just think it’s best for both of us if we move on.

“Atheism is a religion.” Okay, then you’re a shoe, since I can stick my foot in your ass. Next.

“Being gay is a choice.” I’ll agree to that, if you agree that you chose to be an idiot. I’m not trying to suggest you were born an idiot, but something obviously happened in your childhood that scarred you and made you the way you are, and it’s a disorder. Luckily there is a cure, they’re called “books.”

“Without God, life is meaningless.” I’m afraid you have it backwards, actually. If there is a God, and there is a heaven, then this life is meaningless, and all that matters is getting into heaven. So if you really have faith in God, you should give me all your stuff (since a rich man’s chances of getting into heaven rival a camel’s chances of passing through the eye of a needle). Don’t worry about the life of poverty, this life doesn’t matter, only heaven does. Why haven’t you given me all your Earthly riches yet? Still have some doubts?

“It’s too bad you’re going to go to hell.” Not really. I’m an atheist, after all. I think that after I die, nothing happens. Hell is decidedly preferable to nothing, regardless of how often you tell me hell is horrible in ways I can’t imagine. I would rather exist than not exist, there’s no arguing that. What’s more, I would be consoled by the fact that people like Hitler, Chairman Mao and Jerry Falwell were burning nearby, so they would finally get what’s coming to them. You can’t put a value on the existence of ultimate justice. I wish it were so, but alas, it’s probably not how things work.

“It’s all part of God’s plan.” Isn’t it convenient that this can be said regardless of what happens? How would someone even know if something didn’t go according to God’s plan? And if it is all planned, it sort of makes Adam and Eve’s sin in the garden seem rather staged. And what about stuff that clearly wasn’t planned, like needing to flood the Earth and save Noah, or having to make a fish swallow Jonah? If every little thing is planned out, the Bible doesn’t seem to make much sense at times.

Always said when accepting some sort of honor or award, “I wanna thank God…” If you want to, then fucking do it already, no one is stopping you. Just say, “Thank God, even though He has way more important things to worry about, I want to believe He had something to do with this, and clearly prefers me over these other people. How’s it feel to have God hate you, bitches!”

“I am a witness for Christ.” Really? Based on your actions, I would have taken you to be a judge.