If you have a long plane trip ahead, don’t shave your pubic hair.
Cell phones get lost and broken all the time, so be sure to always keep a written record of the phone numbers for all of your drug dealers.
If your band is worried about people stealing your music online, you can trip up pirates by changing your name to something like “Topless Blonde” or “Interracial Gangbang.”
If you plan to be camping in windy weather, and you’re worried about your campfire going out, build one using those trick birthday candles.
You look like an idiot if you criticize people for eating “processed food” while eating soy that has been chemically altered to the point where it resembles something else entirely.
If you are ever caught sleeping with someone’s wife, “But she’s already pregnant” is not an acceptable excuse.
It’s offensive to ask a gay couple, “Who wears the pants in the relationship?” You are supposed to ask, “Who wears the condom?”
It’s not worth losing your mind trying to find yourself.
Ladies: it’s not anorexia if you like how you look.
There’s little one can do about tomorrow, but next week is under your control; tomorrow is almost history.
Atheists should make a goal out of turning every church into a museum.
A good time to clean out your car of all those old ketchup packets and straw wrappers if when you see one of those “Adopt-A-Highway” signs and you hate the organization who adopted that stretch.
Breakfast the next morning does not count as a second date.
If you’re driven by money, you’re stuck sitting in the passenger seat of life.