Monday, July 18, 2011

Mythical Interview: God #3

GINX: Well, I’m here with God, again. I realize for newcomers that the title might be confusing. This isn’t an interview with “God #3,” which I guess would be the Holy Spirit, but is actually my third interview with God.

GOD: Ran out of bloggers to interview?

GINX: Willing ones, anyway.

GOD: Still, you’ve interviewed me more times than Oprah has.

GINX: That’s something.

GOD: So how are you, my son?

GINX: Again, for clarification, I’m not literally his son, that’s just familial metaphor.

GOD: Yeah, I’m not taking any credit for you. Some things are just out of my hands.

GINX: So you aren’t omnipotent?

GOD: Oh no, I could, I just don’t care.

GINX: So 90’s apathy found its way into heaven, huh?

GOD: What can I say, I had some good, long talks with Kurt Cobain before I sent him to hell.

GINX: That’s who I need to interview, Cobain’s ghost.

GOD: Come on…

GINX: What?

GOD: You trying to do a fictional interview with Kurt Cobain’s ghost would be like a Christian trying to do a fictional interview with Jesus. You’re too close to the subject matter, so you can’t step back and look at it objectively. It will inevitably come out as fawning drivel.

GINX: I dunno… I’ve seen every second of him in front of a camera, read dozens of interviews…

GOD: Exactly.

GINX: Well that’s not fair to say. I pore over the Bible, theology and mythology all the time. I haven’t really even been into Nirvana since early in college.

GOD: Well, your free will to do as you see fit, but I’m telling you what’s going to happen if you try.

GINX: I wouldn’t write a puff piece on how awesome Kurt Cobain is.

GOD: Uh huh…

GINX: I always lose control of these interviews, don’t I?

GOD: You really do, and I imagine that’s why so much time passes between each one.

GINX: Well, to be fair, I did channel you for my Prayer/Answers piece last week.

GOD: That wasn’t me.


GOD: You had all those questions then, and you got nothing for me now that I’m actually listening?

GINX: Alright… um… well, I have some left over questions I couldn’t find witty answers to.

GOD: The tough ones… my specialty.

GINX: This first one is from… every single person in the world. The question: “Should I get married?”

GOD: Easy. Whichever you choose, you will regret it.

GINX: Are you sure you weren’t the one answering those questions before?

GOD: I think I would know. I remember that was last Tuesday, and I was really busy with all the death curses being hurled around America over the increase in price on Netflix.

GINX: I vaguely heard about that.

GOD: I swear to me, first-world problems are so gay.

GINX: Yeah…

GOD: Like, “Oh no, my laptop battery is low and the charger is all the way on the other side of the room… God damn it!” I hear that, you know.

GINX: Uh huh.

GOD: Or, “I can’t hear the TV when I’m eating crunchy food, damn you God!”

GINX: Yeah, my favorite is, “I’m the all-powerful ruler of the universe, and I bitch and moan about how people who suffer just a little bit still complain.”

GOD: Of course you would attack me for insulting first-world whiners.

GINX: Attack them all you want, but you’re God. It’s my understanding that your job is to show compassion, which is something everyone deserves. If you’re so concerned with first-world citizens who have problems like, “My hand doesn’t fit in the Pringles can,” then make them a third-world country so they can see what real suffering is.

GOD: You think I’m not doing that already?

GINX: Oh please. The economic woes of the US are the equivalent to a first-worlder crying about how a paper cut is “the worst,” while on the other side of the globe there are people digging through the rubble of their homes for the bodies of their loved ones.

GOD: Are you going to need a step-stool to get off that high horse of yours?

GINX: Whatever. Another derailed interview.

GOD: Add it to the list of problems for the privileged…

GINX: You just don’t quit.

GOD: You have any more tough questions?

GINX: I have plenty, I guess. Um… okay, what is the nature of desire?

GOD: What kind of question is that?

GINX: I don’t know. Like I said, these were the tough ones I couldn’t find an answer to.

GOD: That’s a stupid question, and you’re stupid for asking it.

GINX: Charming.

GOD: Ask another.

GINX: You have nothing to say about desire?

GOD: What is there to say? The gods desire for nothing, and godlike people desire for very little. Most people obey their desires like a slave obeys a master. I guess that is as close to “the nature of desire” as I can get, though who cares about the “nature” of something. Who are you, Aristotle?

GINX: It’s just a question, poorly worded.

GOD: Nature is not an ideal or something set in stone, but is instead like a stream, always flowing and never the same, shaping the landscape and fueling life, not only actually in it, but also outside of it.

GINX: Okay. Same type of thing. I don’t want to ask “what is the nature of education,” but what do you have to say about education?

GOD: For the young, education is discipline. For the old, it is fond memories. For the poor, it is power. For the rich, it is decoration.

GINX: Interesting answer.

GOD: I thought so.

GINX: What is the most beautiful thing in the world?

GOD: I know what you would say.

GINX: I asked you, though.

GOD: I would say… the most beautiful thing in the world is the freedom that can never be taken away, the freedom of thought.

GINX: I agree.

GOD: No, you don’t.

GINX: Okay, then what do I think is the most beautiful thing in the world?

GOD: You don’t want me to say.

GINX: Is it tits?

GOD: I dunno, Bret, it’s your opinion.

GINX: It is, isn’t it.

GOD: Yeah.

GINX: I am one class act.

GOD: Your parents must be proud.

GINX: Alright, um… what would you say is the worst prayer you hear all the time?

GOD: Ah, another easy one. That comes from all the people who pray for a boy, without ever bothering to pray for what sort of man he will become. Common mistake, and one which I have a lot of fun with.

GINX: What would be a good prayer, then, in your opinion?

GOD: “Dear God, grant me the wisdom to endure all of life’s fortunes and blessings with humility and grace.”

GINX: You really hate rich people, huh?

GOD: I do. I’m surprised we don’t get along.

GINX: Don’t we?

GOD: You don’t believe in me or worship me.

GINX: Maybe because the religions you start are horrible.

GOD: So start your own religion.

GINX: Absolutely no interest.

GOD: Oh come on. I bet we could spitball here and get a great religion going in minutes.

GINX: No, no, no.

GOD: Well, obviously dogs need to play a major role in this, because your symbol is a dog.

GINX: My symbol is not a dog, my blogger image is a dog.

GOD: Whatever, same difference. I could use dogs. I have a flock of stupid, useless sheep who are always being threatened by wolves. If I could just take some of those wolves, domesticate them, and turn them into sheepdogs, I would have a flock I could be quite proud of, because dogs are like wolves who have the flock’s interests at heart.

GINX: Sounds almost like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, to me. Besides, this is not happening. I want nothing to do with a new religion. There’s too many, already.

GOD: Pish posh, hogwash, this is golden. We could apply for tax exempt status for you and I could have you recruit atheists to be “Atheists for Jesus.”

GINX: I think I would sooner dive into a pool of double-edged razor blades.

GOD: Says the atheist who talks to God and writes it down. Come on, you’re already halfway there. Just make it official.

GINX: Nope.

GOD: Come on. You wouldn’t like what I do to people who refuse to obey me.

GINX: Honestly, I would rather be swallowed by a whale –

GOD: Large fish.

GINX: Right. I would rather be swallowed by a large fish than start a religion and try to get people to join.

GOD: Okay… I knew you would say that, though. So, millions of years ago –

GINX: You mean thousands of years ago?

GOD: I know what I fucking said, idiot. Millions of years ago, I put it into peoples’ heads that they want to be in something exclusive that they can’t get into.

GINX: I don’t follow.

GOD: All I have to do is say it’s so, that you have a religion, and people will want to join it, not in spite of you not asking them to join, but because you didn’t ask them.

GINX: Wait a second… you think the same principle that made Studio 54 popular will make a religion I form popular?

GOD: First of all, I formed it. You said you wanted nothing to do with it, so don’t go claiming ownership now that it’s done and awesome. Secondly… Studio 54? You’re only 27 years old, for my sake. You could have gone with Google + or iPhones or something like that.

GINX: I’m not really familiar with those.

GOD: You really live in the past. Are you sure you wouldn’t like to start a religion?

GINX: I have zero interest in forming a cult, thanks.

GOD: Suit yourself. You can get a lot of under-aged pussy that way.

GINX: That’s lovely.

GOD: I’m just saying.

GINX: Is that how you get prophets to do your bidding, by dangling jailbait in front of them?

GOD: It can’t hurt.

GINX: Yeah, maybe it won’t hurt the potential prophet, but what about the young girls? That’s pretty disgusting.

GOD: Young women love men with power.

GINX: Is that your doing?

GOD: Whose else would it be?

GINX: So, why don’t young men fall in love with women with power?

GOD: They do, what do you think the Oedipus complex is?

GINX: The sick ramblings of a 19th century German?

GOD: Possibly, or just the astute observation that men seek out women who fulfill the roles their mother played in their life.

GINX: I don’t think a wife should be her husband’s mother. That’s a twisted way of looking at love and relationships, as if love is some sort of method for fulfilling our basic needs.

GOD: What is love if not the fulfillment of basic needs?

GINX: I guess I just believe in love for love’s sake, not as a means to gaining something.

GOD: That’s pretty noble for someone with a breast fetish.

GINX: I would have said it was downright godlike of me to not desire much from a woman beyond her breasts.

GOD: But you don’t desire very little, you desire very big.

GINX: Regardless, I would never be a sheepdog that looks after a flock. I am more of a hound, with a loud bark and a nose for sniffing out the truth from bullshit.

GOD: I can’t see you as a hound. You’re more of a pit bull, since you have this scary image because you like to fight, but you’re mostly just playful.

GINX: I’m sure everyone wants to know what result I would get if I took the “Which dog are you?” quiz, but I should wrap this up.

GOD: No more questions? I feel like we covered so little ground today.

GINX: I guess I could ask a few more. In your little “sheep/wolf” metaphor, who are the wolves?

GOD: I’m not telling.

GINX: Are the wolves the rich?

GOD: No, the rich are also sheep, they just have golden fleece.

GINX: Well, I’m definitely not interested in your religion now.

GOD: Why, because I didn’t demonize the wealthy enough for your taste?

GINX: Well, who are the wolves?

GOD: Did it ever occur to you that the sheep and the wolves are within each person?

GINX: No, but hearing that doesn’t make the whole thing any deeper or more meaningful.

GOD: Suit yourself.

GINX: You know, I don’t get you. First you say that gods are gods because they desire for nothing, but it seems completely within your power to abate all of humanity’s needs. You could even fulfill my desire for knowledge in this instance, but you would rather leave me in the dark to misinterpret than to shine a light on the truth. If there is any flaw in mankind, didn’t you put it there to begin with?

GOD: What would you have me do?

GINX: Why not start by getting rid of the most basic desire, hunger? You gave humanity a way of fulfilling our sexual desires using only our hands, yet left us to starve in times of difficulty. Can you imagine the suffering that could be “wiped out,” so to speak, if we could quiet a rumbling belly just by rubbing it for a while?

GOD: You’re faulting me for not giving people the means of jacking off their stomachs?

GINX: Literally, yes, but in the larger sense, why have you shackled people to want?

GOD: Do you think I’m happy?

GINX: What?

GOD: Do you think I am happy?

GINX: I wouldn’t know.

GOD: I’m not happy. I’m not sad. I’m not anything. I want for nothing and I enjoy even less. All this want that you are condemning is the very thing that gives humanity the capacity to be more than content. You can experience a full range of joy, from amusement to bliss. Ultimately, those who want for nothing end up having nothing.

GINX: I’m still not sold.

GOD: That isn’t my problem. Neither is the fact that people on Earth throw away enough food each day to feed everyone who is starving. You people just lack the desire for justice, because it is eclipsed by your desire for greed and plenty. You would rather refrigerators and grocery stores be full than third world bellies.

GINX: And there’s nothing you can do?

GOD: Are you kidding me? What more can I do? I sent Jesus and Karl Marx bearing the message of caring for your neighbor, but nothing seems to get you people to share. What would you do?

GINX: What would I do if I was God and I wanted people to share?”

GOD: Yes.

GINX: I would punish selfishness.

GOD: I already do.

GINX: But I mean in life, not with Hell.

GOD: I do punish selfish people in this life.

GINX: How do you punish them?

GOD: I give them everything they ask for.

GINX: What?

GOD: There is no greater curse than to have your prayer answered.

GINX: If only I could be struck with such an affliction…

GOD: Trust me. If you want to know what I think of wealth, look at who I have given it to. You are much better off without it.

GINX: I don’t wish to be rich, anyway. I would rather be famous, because you can’t tax fame.

GOD: I know that deep down, you want to be a philosopher.

GINX: That’s true, and yet I am a fool who knows nothing.

GOD: See, I’ve already made you one.

GINX: Great. Okay, we should actually end this, because this has gone onto the 10th page. That is stretching the limits of internet attention spans.

GOD: Okay, well, it was nice talking to you again.

GINX: Always a pleasure.

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