I’ve given up on pleasing people. People are impossible to please. However, pissing people off is not only easy, it’s entertaining.
There would be nothing wrong with people being really rich if they didn’t then turn around and buy the government.
I wouldn’t kill anyone. However, there are people who, if they were on fire and I had some water, I would just drink it.
Obedience blinds you. Complete obedience blinds you completely.
The only war America has won in the last 10 years is the one against civil rights.
The wealthy would be foolish to ignore the Occupy Wall Street protests. Today, they’re only demanding money from the rich, but tomorrow it could just as easily be their heads. This isn’t a threat, by any means, it’s more of a lesson in history.
Behind every great man, there’s a great woman, but behind every great woman, there’s a sleazy guy checking out her ass.
Remember when Sarah Palin was the craziest Republican presidential candidate? Those were the days…
Every racist joke starts off the same: by looking around to see if anyone of that race is nearby.
Is it racist to call a black CIA agent a spook?
The end result of perfect reason is to see that nothing is dictated by reason.
People don’t know what they want. Case in point: everyone who has ever begged for death actually just wanted a better life.
The young lack patience, which is why they so often go looking for death, when if they only waited, death would come looking for them in old age.
I’m not afraid to buy my wife tampons. I’m not a bloody pussy.
The devil’s in the details, because God is in the ambiguity.
This country can’t help the poor until we save ourselves from the rich.
An entrepreneur is little more than a criminal with venture capital.
It’s called “faith” because it’s not “truth.”
Dating consists of a boy pursuing a girl until, finally, she catches him.
These days, America’s biggest export is jobs.
Wit is knowing every clever thing that has been said before, and a few that haven’t.
I prefer to eat meat, not vegetables, because I like to think of my body as a cemetery, not a compost heap.
I think it’s bad luck to be superstitious.
I don’t see what’s so special about virginity. It’s not uncommon. In fact, you might even say there’s a virgin born every minute.
America’s problem is that we lack a separation between rich and state. We need to end privatized government.
This life is not fair, by any means. Most never get all that they worked for, and a lucky few never work for all that they get.
When Herman Cain gets on stage in front of Republicans, half of them start shouting out bids.
Which would you rather have happen to you: be screwed by a donkey or be screwed by an elephant? That’s what it’s like to vote in America.
Democrats oppose the rise in poverty.
Republicans oppose the rise of the poor.
If abortion is murder, then are blowjobs cannibalism?
If ignorance is bliss, why is America so miserable?
A woman’s love is like water. To possess it, you must cup your hands and let it rest inside. You cannot grab hold of it tightly, and often it leaks out over time. Although, I guess you could keep her at the bottom of a well...
In America, the problem isn’t that we have stupid leaders. We are a Democracy, after all. It’s not just the stupid leaders who are the problem, it’s the stupid voters.
I am so neurotic, sometimes I worry that I’m becoming a hypochondriac.
I wanted someone to use reverse psychology on me, but they didn’t want to. So, I tried telling them not to use it on me.
It has always been a battle between those who want to act normal, and those who don’t. The normal people usually win, but they never have any fun doing it.
Americans cannot stand tyranny, oppression, and religious fanaticism. We fight to stamp it out where ever we find it, except here at home.
There are two tricks to being rich. The first is making money, the second is keeping it.
I am always on the side of giving a privilege to everyone or taking a privilege away from a select few.
I’ve always wanted to get married. It’s not because I’m a hopeless romantic, I just can’t stand getting to know women. The overwhelming majority of women are irritating people, and I honestly cannot stand them. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t stand being around men, either, but I didn’t have to look for a guy to spend my life with. Until I got married, I actually had to care what women thought of me. It’s exhausting to pretend I’m interested in all of those stupid things women like. Movies are arguably one of the worst parts, and I’m not talking about chick flicks. I would be thrilled if a woman wanted to watch “Sleepless in Seattle” or “When Harry Met Sally,” but women today don’t watch chick flicks as often as they watch these horrible films they liked since they were little kids, movies that are only good if you saw them for the first time when you were five. I am ashamed to admit I watched “Adventures in Babysitting” just to get laid. It makes me feel cheap and used.
Economic conservatives tend to disagree with things on principle, because they can’t disagree based on evidence.
What if you worship the wrong god, and every time you pray, you’re pissing her off?
I study history, not out of some misguided belief that I can avoid repeating it, but so that when it does repeat, I know the words and can sing along.
Christian math equation:
I don’t know who first said, “Never look a gift horse in the mouth,” but I bet they lived in Troy.
The first step in being a slave to your emotions is to deny they exist.
A liberal is someone who runs the risk of being on the wrong side of history. A conservative is someone who consistently is.
How do you find a blind guy at a nudist colony? I’ll give you a hint: it’s not hard.
Sometimes I sit and wonder
When the old will learn
They had their fucking chance
Now it’s time we had our turn
Prayer works, but so does not praying.
Cogito ergo sum atheos
I think, therefore I am an atheist
Advantage to having dwarfism: you don’t have to worry about pickpockets. No one would stoop that low.
Mooning someone is the second most fun you can have with your pants off.
Anyone else have a dream where they try to punch someone, but your fist moves in extreme slow motion?
A boss is like a diaper. They’re always on your ass, though you tend to forget about them being there until it becomes apparent that they’re full of shit.
I don’t discriminate against race, age, religion, or even personality. As long as she’s hot.
Sometimes silence is a perpetual lie.
The problem with “zero tolerance” discipline policies is that it harshly punishes minor offenses and never seems to prevent severe ones.
If religions were underwear, being an atheist is going commando.
When it comes to ethics, those who don’t give a shit are clearly lacking in moral fiber.
Tip to police confronting the Occupy Wall Street protesters: you catch more rioters with laughing gas than tear gas.
If God didn’t want His religion to be mocked, He would have made it less hilarious.
My wife and I were about to play a board game, and I said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So, we didn’t play a board game.
They say rape is most common in parking garages. That’s wrong on so many different levels.
Worst idea for a sex-shop item: edible handcuffs
I can relate to vibrantly colored animals, because they value mating more than survival.
If you’ve never offended someone, you’ve probably never spoken the truth. If you’ve never been frustrated, then you’ve probably never stood up to ignorance. If you’ve never cursed someone out, then you’ve probably never been on the internet.
TV Show concept: evil midget with psychic powers escapes from prison.
Title: Small Medium at Large
When God has sex with His wife, she screams my name.
I remember that first morning when I woke up after having accepted that there was no god. The gray Midwest sky seemed just a few shades less gray. I remember thinking, “It all makes sense now. All this time, I thought I didn’t get it, that I was missing out on something. Now, I see that they’re all just trying desperately to fit in, to meet the unrealistic expectations and feel something that isn’t there. But now I’m free. I’m free from all the people who made me feel like shit. I’m free from all of the guilt and shame about not living up to a standard that is as unattainable as it is irrelevant.” That day, I became a born-again-heathen.
I believe in killing with kindness. Did I mention my gun is named “Kindness?”
Being a midget is little more than a small problem, hardly noticeable to some, but others might see something is a tiny bit off. In short, don’t let it hold you down.
You can determine precisely when it was you started caring about politics by thinking back to the time when it seemed like the world went from just fine to being one inch away from complete destruction.
I can order food in three languages, but I can insult you in seventeen. Those are my priorities.
Some questions need no answer. They need only to be asked in order to reap their benefit.
I can’t help it, I just treat people of each gender differently. Like, if I see a guy crying, I want to punch him in the face, whereas if I see a female crying, I want to slap her. Call me old fashioned…
Discrimination is wrong. Everyone deserves to be treated equally, regardless of their race, whether you’re black, brown, red, yellow, or regular.
“I don’t know anyone who’s struggling” isn’t proof that the recession is over, it’s proof that you live a charmed life.
Regarding Obama, I would say I hate his guts, but I’m afraid he doesn’t have any.
I heard hospitals are in desperate need of organ donations. While I can’t afford to donate an organ, I did donate an electronic keyboard, which has an organ setting.
Money talks, and justice is blind, not deaf.
If you don’t pay your exorcist, you’ll get repossessed.
Disturbing fact: on average, five out of six people enjoyed a gang rape.
Republicans are so blinded by flawed ideology, not even their hindsight is 20/20.
I’m allergic to religious nuts.
News reporting in this country has ceased to defend democracy, and instead defends politics.
Sometimes only a few life experiences separate a wise man and a fool.
Pride breeds an “us vs. them” mentality. I don’t believe there’s a “them,” so that means everyone is included in “us,” and I’m certainly not proud of it.
If an embryo is a person, why do eggs taste nothing like chicken?