Friday, August 3, 2012

Conservative Chickenshits

I grew up in Indiana, which is a relatively conservative place. They don’t want no damn federal govmint tellin’ them what they can or can’t do.

That was a mantra I heard all the time and I mean constantly. All. The. Fucking. Live. Long. Day.

It seemed odd to me, because the federal government had never tried to stop me from doing anything I wanted to do. The government I hated wasn’t in Washington, D.C. The government I hated was in Indianapolis and my own town of Carmel.

Take, for instance, my first semi-adult experience with the government: getting my driver’s license. I must share with you the dumbest law ever written. In Indiana, you cannot get your driver’s license until you are sixteen years old… and one month. I am not shitting you. There is no reason to do that except to fuck with someone. So already, if the federal government wanted to standardize driver’s license requirements, I would be all on board with the Feds, not the psychos where I lived.

Another strange phenomena was the litany of local hand-wringing whenever something other than a Church or Wal-Mart wanted to build in the town. There were local “scandals” anytime an adult book store or head shop wanted a permit. We were all expected to accept the fact that porn and bongs were bad for the community.

So imagine my surprise when a bunch of conservative pussies got their panties in a bunch over a couple city mayors being anything but welcoming of an organization that openly donates to hate groups (and that is how history will remember those who oppose gay marriage, which is something to consider).

Suddenly, I’m expected to believe there’s some freedom in the Constitution that prevents local city officials from deciding what businesses are appropriate for their localities. And the funny part is, these conservative whiners are often the same tight-asses who protest the introduction of anything liberal in their community.

Conservatives have a long, illustrious history of denying people permits and working the system in order to frustrate perverts and hippies. Hell, it’s not even new for liberal leaders either. Whether it’s conservatives fighting against fun or liberals fighting against Wal-Mart’s low, low prices (now with 50% more child labor!), there are countless precedents going back to the founding fathers of communities running unwanted elements out of town.

I mean come on, there are counties in America that are dry. Honestly consider that. There are individual communities that are allowed by law to still be living like it was the damn 1930s.

It’s not about “freedom,” it’s about bigotry. It’s about conservatives rallying around those who hate the same people they hate, because that’s what bigots have always done: they get together in big groups and hate the same thing together, usually over a meal.

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