Why Bother?

Since I said something positive about Democrats, I have to continue my schizoid history of now bashing them. I figured, why wait a day? Let’s have a post about how Democrats are going to intrude on the lives of Americans right after I lauded one of them for putting on his big-boy pants all by himself.

This story put me on a philosophical rollercoaster. The title reads, “US Senators Vote to Encourage Healthy Behavior.” Right away I am suspicious, because this sounds like another attempt by Democrats to mess with people. Then I read the article’s first two paragraphs about a “measure aimed at rewarding healthy behavior” by “provid[ing] financial incentives.”

I really think the only way you can get people to do anything in America is through money, and maybe shame second. Providing people with a tax credit or making health purchases tax deductible or something would truly be a step towards getting people to choose to live healthier. What does not work is taking money for not doing something, or penalties.

The government is not providing incentives, it is imposing penalties; premiums will go up for those who don’t participate in wellness programs. This is a clause in the healthcare bill - which is forcing every American to get private health insurance while not even providing a public option. And once everyone is forced to be insured (or fined... another penalty), we’ll also be forced into fat-camp programs so that private insurance companies can bank on spending less money on our health problems.

Penalties have no opportunity to work if you are fining someone for not purshasing something expensive or difficult to attain, whether it be insurance or good health. No one likes when the government is that annoying girlfriend who wants you to quit all your unhealthy habits, buy some jogging shoes, eat vegan, or whatever the fuck else is the fad health craze of the moment - or else no nookie. I married a woman who isn’t like that for a reason: I find it really fucking annoying.

No one wants to be told what to do. Gay people don’t want to be told who to love, women don’t want to be told what career they can have, and fat people don’t want to be told what to eat. I wish this tolerance that Democrats always talked about would extend to every legal lifestyle (sorry NAMBLA).

Would this be as big of an issue if the government was paying for it? I don’t think so. The government is not really into micromanagement for the purpose of efficiency and profit; private enterprise does that. This is a healthcare bill written by the private healthcare industry for the private healthcare industry, with the only thing consumers getting is an empty promise that they won’t be dropped from coverage… as often.

Maybe if this was a bill providing a private option or universal coverage, you would see more freedom. The government defends freedom; private industry doesn’t care, they want profit. Freedom is nothing but a buzz word to a company, nonsense used to sell a product. Freedom to the government is having to abide by the constitution, or to rein itself in when it oversteps. Private enterprise lacks any such restraint, and cannot be voted out of office.

Call me crazy, but I would rather do nothing for a wound than pour poison on it for lack of medicine. I hope this bill doesn’t pass, but I know it will because the people selling the poison have already bought the government.

The Outrage!

I have repeatedly called for a verbal offensive against conservative ignorance. It looks like an elected Democrat may have finally put his game face on.

Freshman representative Alan Grayson said on the floor of the house that the Republican healthcare plan is for Americans to “not get sick, and if they do get sick, die quickly.”

I hope this guy Grayson doesn’t back down. The interview he did on CNN seems to indicate he is actually driven to do something by pointing out how full of shit Republicans are. He confronted Republicans without apologizing… which for a Democrat is damn near heroic at this point.

It’s quite adorable to watch the Republicans scurry around acting like they’re offended. It’s proof that if Democrats are willing to take the offensive, Republicans will be willing to oblige us by whining and crying. *Passes a box of tissues to the Right*

Also, Grayson is a freshman representative, just like Joe Wilson. Why is it that freshman politicians are the only ones who actually seem to represent their constituency? There’s no denying Wilson is wrong and a jackass, but that makes him the perfect representative for Republicans.

It’s like I’ve always said, you have look for the same thing in a politician as you do in a prostitute: willingness to please and a short employment history. I guess lobbyist money is kind of like herpes.

Guns Are Magic!

Sometimes a fallacy becomes accepted if enough people repeat it:

Guns deter crime.

How exactly do guns deter crime? Are people who own guns putting signs on their lawn, like people with security systems? “Warning: this home is protected by a trigger happy conservative who has a large backyard and shovel.”

I’m sure someone has done that, but I don’t see signs like that around. Yet, I know a lot of people own guns. Clearly there must be some other mechanism by which guns keep people feeling safe.

Maybe guns have an anti-bad-guy force field built into them. Maybe guns are to criminals what crosses and garlic are to vampires. Better buy a gun in the shape of a cross, just to be safe. The news sells us an image of a terrifying world out to get you, one which only a gun can protect you from, and this paranoia drives gun sales.

But how are people imagining they’ll get to their gun in the event of a break-in? Are people sleeping with their guns? That can’t be safe for them or their innocent neighbors. And if they aren’t sleeping with a loaded gun nearby, how are they getting to their gun in time to prevent them from being tied up and forced to watch as their wife is repeatedly sodomized in front of them by a huge black cock?

[It all derives from this weird, paranoid nightmare/fantasy, and don’t even try to pretend it doesn’t.]

It’s almost as if owning a gun… has no benefit to security. Either you leave a loaded gun lying around, which is not safe (regardless of how many weekend seminars one attends), or you have it locked out of easy reach, where it cannot be accessed in the kind of split-second danger it was bought for.

Just owning a gun to “exercise your rights” is tantamount to standing outside your house and shouting at every soldier who passes by, “Hey, you can’t stay here you son of a bitch! I’m exercising my third amendment rights here!” Yeah, you can do it, but why? No one will stop you, but we all think you’re retarded for doing it.

Owning a gun isn’t harmless. It doesn’t prevent you from being the victim of a crime. If anything, it ensures that if you are ever robbed, you will probably have the gun stolen, and it will now be in the possession of a criminal. Congratulations conservative homeowners of America, you are arming our thugs.

The only reason to ever buy a gun is to use it. Most guns are never used outside of target practice, which is a good thing. A gun is nothing but a tool used for a specific purpose. If you don’t hunt or shoot as a hobby, you should probably find some other way of expressing to the world how small your penis is.

Top Ten: Songs About Sex

September is ending, and since I have a lot of rejects left over from the innuendo list, I thought what better way to close Sextember than with this top ten songs about sex. Later today, I'll post the answers to Children's Story or Porno Movie #5. For all previous installments, check out the September posts in my blog archive.

Without further ado, the top ten songs about sex:

10. Buckcherry – Crazy Bitch
9. Nirvana – Moist Vagina
8. Sublime – Wrong Way
7. Right Said Fred – I’m Too Sexy
6. Nine Inch Nails – Closer
5. Red Hot Chili Peppers – Aeroplane
4. Marcy Playground – Sex and Candy
3. Hot Chocolate – You Sexy Thing
2. Beck – Sexx Laws
1. Marvin Gaye – Sexual Healing

The Primary Problems With Religion

I think I have boiled down my primary problems with religion as a whole. The incidence of religion intruding upon my life can be summed up in three simple categories: superstition, misallocation of resources, and phony arguments from authority

Superstition is often the most visible sign of religion, and usually the most harmless. However, superstition usually stifles science when it enters the realm of public policy. Superstition is why the government refuses to fund “controversial” research.

We’re not talking about research where people are hurt, we’re talking about research with non-sentient cell cultures which contain human genetic material. It’s tantamount to playing with sperm, and we can’t do it because some religious folk are offended by the very notion of it.

Then there’s the dire lack of organ donations. This stems directly from either a superstition or a desire for traditional funerary services (i.e. open-casket burial). Or maybe it’s some paranoid fear that hospitals are killing people who are donors in order to harvest the organs. Whatever it is, it’s stupid superstition and myth which is forcing millions to die on waiting lists across our country.

In fact, resource allocation itself is a major problem with religion. Donations to religious organizations have very little oversight, and corruption is rampant. Just think of all the money and hours wasted on churches, temples, cathedrals, mosques, statues, pamphlets, murals, stained glass, sexual harassment settlements, etc. It’s staggering how much overhead religion has.

Then there’s the time wasted learning religion. I don’t believe the human mind has a capacity like a computer, but I believe we have a finite time on this planet, and every second spent studying religion is a second spent not studying something relevant. Even the time of people like myself is wasted trying to combat religion. What else could I be doing with my time if religion were not here to rant about? [I’d like to think I could have cured brain-freeze by now, but the world will never know…]

But perhaps the worst part of religion is the authority is inherently craves. Organized religion really needs to impose itself. It is never happy just being, it has to make sure everyone is behaving just so...

Organized religion is a growth industry. They want more babies and more converts, and anything that stands in the way of that has got to go. Condoms, science, higher education and career opportunities for women, all have no place in organized religion. And inevitably, there’s some guy at the top who everyone has to listen to…

…Unless there isn’t. While religions like Catholicism have their Pope, some religions look inward. This is sometimes the most dangerous authority of all. Many protestant faiths (and anyone who actually reads the New Testament closely) preach about an inner, personal God.

There’s quite a danger in believing that your inner most impulses originate from God. This belief in a personal God is tantamount to a cult of the ego. This is the primary flaw in religious doctrine, for the religious are told (and often believe) that they are submitting or abandoning themselves to something outside themselves, but it is all internal. There is no humility in believing you act according to God’s will. Instead, it is the ultimate egotism.

Smells Like Teen Smoking

I am what is called a “political smoker.” I don’t buy cigarettes, and I sometimes actively try to move away from people who smoke. However, I do not infringe on anyone’s right to smoke, nor would I ask someone who smokes to move away from me. I tolerate smoking.

Intolerant, douchebag Democrats can’t pass a healthcare bill, they can’t provide rights for gay people, and don’t even get me fucking starting on the wars in the Middle East… but they can slyly pass a ban on all flavored cigarettes? What the fuck is wrong with these people?

Well, it took effect on September 22nd. What’s hilarious to me is that the only people I know of who were affected were hippies – who probably voted Democrat. Just as trailer-park dwelling whites who vote Republican are not acting in their own economic interest, smokers who vote Democrat are just oppressing themselves. My clove-smoking hippie brethren were probably smoking too much of another herb to realize they voted into power a bunch of smoke haters.

Since I am an asthmatic non-smoker, I remain largely unaware of new cigarette legislation. However, I vaguely remember something about a ban on flavored cigarettes months ago. Something about how they appeal to children. This is a shame, because I think they should ban non-flavored cigarettes. As a non-smoker, I’d much rather smell cherries, vanilla, cloves, mint, or whatever.

This is really indicative of how Democrats operate. The first rule of Democratic policy is to never mess with anything people are talking about. Go for the forgotten issues people are comfortable with, something everyone thinks is settled, then stir the pot. But most importantly, don’t just outright ban something; instead, take awkwardly-worded legislative baby steps.

The ban affects flavored cigarettes – excluding menthol (I guess so Obama can keep smoking Kools). It also does not cover cigars. Look for mini, flavored cigars to be hitting shelves in the coming weeks.

Pandas

It’s easy to see why people love pandas. In fact, it’s all about appearances. They look adorable. Never mind that pandas can be quite vicious.

Before I proceed, I want to point out I really favor conservation. I think it’s a severe loss whenever the planet loses a species, not only from an ecological perspective, but also for the loss of a several millions of years evolutionary development – which we as humans can steal and use for ourselves. It’s really a loss for humanity when we wipe out the genetic record of a species.

That being said, I concur with one Chris Packham’s call to put the panda out of its misery. I think samples should be preserved for later study, and that we should redirect the millions of dollars spent on their protection and breeding to other, more hearty species.

It’s not that I don’t like the panda. I think there is something to be learned from panda anatomy and physiology, but why not direct our resources towards immortalizing the panda through exhaustive research? There’s just no future for a bear that eats wood.

Wrestling

Professional wrestling is often called “fake.” When I was growing up, that was what my parents always told me. That’s what the rich kids used to say when they mocked the poor kids who lived in trailers.

Of course, it’s not really “fake.” Fake is watching Hollywood movies where actors run in front of blue- or green-screens with terrified looks on their face, and then monsters are added in later by computers. Wrestling is not “fake.” People get hurt doing it. They bleed real blood. They are flesh and bone flying through the air, under the influence of all the real forces of physics. It’s certainly more “real” than any action movie.

When people say wrestling is “fake,” what they really mean is that it’s “rigged,” or “scripted.” This is more to the point. Of course, this is also what allows it to be so exciting, and even one of the primary reasons fans tune in week after week.

Wrestling is ballet for rednecks. It is opera for the unsophisticated. It’s a stage show with a production scale greater than most Broadway performances.

I’m not personally a fan of wrestling, but I get it. It’s not difficult to see the appeal in watching men over two hundred pounds throw each other around in highly choreographed maneuvers designed for the sole purpose of creating an amazing spectacle. I find it far more entertaining than dance.

Wrestling is only half about the action. What makes wrestling such a mythological event is that there is a story, or the fact that it’s “rigged.” There is always a morality play being enacted before the actual action begins. Someone has insulted someone else, someone has been betrayed, or maybe someone just wants their chance at glory.

Whatever the setup, the dramatic prelude is vital to the actual match itself. The struggle within the ring is weighted all the more by the consequences that may play out if one side should defeat the other.

The themes chosen are staples of the wrestling public: relationships, respect, societal norms and roles, etc. The theme that panders to American fans the most is probably nationalism.

Big events often feature an American icon squaring off against an archetypal foreign enemy or traitor from within. This type of rivalry was showcased in the brilliant movie “The Wrestler,” and was also played out often by Hulk Hogan.

Here we see the self-perpetuating cycle of the persistence of mythology:

1. A theme is popular
2. Art aggrandizes the theme
3. Return to #1, amplified

The cycle would continue forever, but eventually the tide shifts.

Steve Austin appeared on the scene in the 90’s, marking a change in wrestling’s image. Previously, most faces (or good guys) were quiet gentlemen who defended what was good. Men like Jerry Lawler were famous for being the soft-spoken, polite guy who fought against the likes of the misogynist Andy Kaufman.

Steve Austin was introduced to the wrestling world as a heel (bad guy). He was a rude, trash talking, beer drinking, woman-hitting, leather-clad tough guy. He was everything the wrestling fans prior to that era hated. Even though his actions were scripted to be more “evil” week after week, the fans loved and cheered for him.

People had simply changed, and the old mythology no longer applied. This was not a phenomenon among only wrestling fans, however. Movies like “Interview With a Vampire” and books like “American Psycho” are popular around this time. There is a general shift towards taking the antagonist’s point of view, or even idolizing it.

There are only two reasons to idolize: identification and aspiration. Why is it we began to relate to, or even strive to be, the antagonist? Can we pinpoint through our art when we became the bad guy?

Some of Your Own Medicine

A census worker was found hanging with the word “fed” written on his chest. It really doesn’t take a genius to imagine what kind of person did this. I bet they frequent Infowars.com, own a gun because they think it is patriotic and deters criminal tyrants, and they think the government is evil.

There’s a general undercurrent of hatred for the US government. I am not going to get into a long thing, because I think blaming the rambling Right for their bad apples isn’t entirely fair. Even though Fox News has been stirring up suspicion for months about the census, I know it’s not that every Right Winger is a homicidal maniac, it’s just that if you’re a homicidal maniac, you’re probably a Right Winger.

I don’t want to wax philosophical about it, but I seem to remember a phrase I heard a lot during the Bush years. It went something like…

If you don’t like it, you can get the fuck out.

If you think America is so wrong, if you think the government is so corrupt and that we need violent overthrow, get the fuck out. Go to the Middle East or South America, I hear that’s how they solve shit there – and boy do they have it together.

If you love America and democracy, you’ll accept that even if your guy loses, it’s part of the system. If you don’t like the system, try to change it. But if you’re just trying to pick fights and sow chaos in an attempt to send the US back into the 1700s, go someplace else for your political experiment.

More Gore

Since even my wife is hollering for more gory pictures of my finger, here is a photo diary of my finger over the last couple days.

This is a picture from the 18th, 4 days after spilling bacon grease on my fingers:

Here's me giving the camera the finger, so to speak:

This is a picture from the 19th, as the blister is approaching its largest size:

Below is the largest the blister became. I could barely move the finger due to the pressure.

Below, some of the fluid seems to have been absorbed back into my body by the 22nd, because I can bend my finger enough to straighten it all the way.

Today, I went to a hand surgeon to have the blister "deroofed." I guess my finger has a skylight now.

The skin underneath is raw, but it's reminiscent of newborn baby skin. It's strong enough to be washed with soap and water, and I can start taking showers without a bag on my hand again. Woo hoo!