Monday, May 2, 2011

The Republican Candidate for 2012

I’m not going to waste your time trying to convince you through long discussion and through boring analysis who the next Republican candidate for president will be. It’s probably going to be Mitt Romney, and I would bet my house that it will be either him or someone who hasn’t even made a public move to run.

It won’t be Mike Huckabee, Ron Paul, Donald Trump, Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Newt Gingrich, Tim Pawlenty, Rick Santorum, John Bolton, or Mitch Daniels. It will probably be Mitt, but there’s always a chance for a dark horse to come out of nowhere (just not from the list above).

I’m also not interested in discussing how much Mitt will lose in 2012. If you think the Republican base is going to get excited about a Mormon who instituted Obamacare at the state level, I think you’re nuts.

Rather, this post is more about what will inevitably be my favorite part of the 2012 election: when America finds out how fucking crazy Mormonism is. Now, it’s not only possible, but it’s likely that liberals will shy away from that issue in an attempt to do the honorable thing by being PC, but it will be fodder for comedians and late night talk show hosts, and Moroni knows I am going to have fun with it.

I mean sure, you got your magic underwear, and that’s funny and all… on a fifth grade level. For those not in the know, when the end of times comes, fire will engulf everyone who isn’t wearing this special underwear that covers the arms and legs. Really, it’s a way of instituting modest dress, but the reasoning is so downright adorable that it bears repeating.

Then you got the fact that Mormons believe God lives on a planet called Kolob, or a planet orbiting a star called Kolob (it’s not very clear). In addition, God is seen to be a man of flesh and bone. Good Mormons don’t just go to heaven when they die, they get their own planet, for them and their family. It’s not explained how that works… like, do I get my own planet or am I stuck on my dad’s, or my grandpa’s?

Then you have the small matter of black people being seen as cursed by God (which explains their black skin… since they descend from Cain) and being incapable of becoming Mormons. That is, until 1978 when they magically received a revelation in the wake of the Civil Rights movement that the long-awaited time had come for black people, and they could now become Mormons.

Keep in mind this is a religion that doesn’t allow alcohol or caffeine… but racism is okay (for a century and a half, anyway).

And of course, Jesus visited America. This is particularly important, for one major reason: Mormonism is the American Christianity. The Book of Mormon is partly about how Jesus walked in America, preaching to the native tribes after his resurrection. This puts America on the Christian map, instead of making Christianity some distant, far-removed religion.

Frankly, I’m surprised Mormonism isn’t more popular. I’d chalk it up to religious types being unwilling to change, but I think it’s inevitable that Mormonism will be the predominant Christian faith someday. At it’s heart, Mormonism isn’t just about America, it’s also about the real American dream.

That planet you get if you are a good Mormon… there are people living on it, and it is the duty of those people to worship you. In other words, Mormons believe you can become a god, and is there anything more American than that?


  1. Why do you classify Mormonism as a form of Christianity? Forgive me if I'm telling you something you already know, but Mormons will usually never tell you this to your face, but they consider themselves to be the only true church, and all the rest to be corrupt. Knowing a little bit about how Mormonism originated and its teachings, it's more accurate to call it a pseudo-Christian cult, that since the 1830s has tragically ensnared millions of people. I feel no affinity with the LDS church whatsoever.

  2. Are you part of one of those fake "Protestant" sects?

  3. Joseph Smith was a known con man. Apparently, he was a pretty good one.

  4. Joseph Smith was a man of God and a con man... but I repeat myself.

  5. Bottom line, if you don't want a republican President, vote for whoever is least likely to win. That should derail their primary process.

  6. You're suggesting I register Republican and sabotage the party in the primary?

  7. So is marrying your cousin, but I couldn't look myself in the eye in the morning if I did either. Maybe if it would make a big impact, I would think about it (like an organized plan to do so in a particular area). But I would rather note give the appearance of one more registered Republican just for a vote in the primary.

    I think it's important to register independent in my circumstance, because neither party represents me. Yeah, I hate Republicans more, but I don't vote Democrat, nor do I see it as counter productive to have a Republican president (8 years of Bush was the only possible way that a guy like Obama could have ever been elected, for example... I imagine it will take 4 decades of draconian Republicans to get a Democrat I like).

    The more independents make themselves known, the more likely there will be a third party. If everyone is just choosing the lesser of two-evils or casting sabotage ballots, let alone actually thinking either of the two parties represents them... nothing is going to get better.

  8. Bret, considering you're on the left, does your own intolerance bother you?

  9. Two questions: what, to you, is intolerance? And, what specifically did I say that was intolerant?

  10. Hmm, does it bother you that you are ignorant of your own intolerance and bigotry?

    Well, to demonstrate, let's try a little experiment. How would you respond if a Republican politician were quoted as saying:

    " favorite part of the 2012 election: when America finds out how fucking crazy [Islam] is..."


    " favorite part of the 2012 election: when America finds out how fucking crazy [blacks] [are]..."


    " favorite part of the 2012 election: when America finds out how fucking crazy [homosexuals] [are]..."

    Those all sound bigoted to me, so I assume they're equally bigoted when directed towards Mormons.

  11. I wouldn't care if someone said that about Islam, since Islam and Mormonism are choices. I would be more taken aback by "blacks" instead of "black people" or "homosexual" instead of the more politically correct "fags and dykes." I'm kidding, I don't care if you refer to "those people" as blacks.

    I just listed basic beliefs of Mormonism. I didn't even resort to stereotypes. I didn't point out that every Mormon I ever met was smug and stand-offish. I didn't say they're violent or inferior (they aren't), nor did I say anything that would imply I think they aren't entitled to their religion.

    Intolerance would be saying something along the lines of, "I can't stand living near Mormons." Bigotry would be if I supported measures like banning the Book of Mormon. I can tolerate people without liking them or saying only kind things about them.

    I'm sorry if you have so many hopes pinned up in a psycho like Romney. If you have a more polite term for someone who wears magic underwear and thinks they will one day rule a planet, I'm open to suggestions.

  12. Mormoms believe in Christ, they are christians. I've never heard about getting ur own planet, and black people is not prohibited to join the church. They could always join the church. Wearing a different underwear has nothing to do with not being taken by fire in the second coming of Jesus or end of times... Well, have you ever gone to a mormon church? Do you have any mormon friends? You should get your facts straighted out, don't believe in everything you read on the internet, and when I say that I mean about other religions too. You have to ask to a member. Go to and you can find a lot about it. Choosing your president has nothing to do with his religion... There is a lot of good people out there, trying to do what is right and they don't even follow any religion, but having one should not exclude them from wining something.

  13. Black people could not hold a priesthood or participate in most temple ceremonies until 1978.


If your comment is too long, break it into multiple comments and post them all.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...