I’m not going to waste your time trying to convince you through long discussion and through boring analysis who the next Republican candidate for president will be. It’s probably going to be Mitt Romney, and I would bet my house that it will be either him or someone who hasn’t even made a public move to run.
It won’t be Mike Huckabee, Ron Paul, Donald Trump, Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Newt Gingrich, Tim Pawlenty, Rick Santorum, John Bolton, or Mitch Daniels. It will probably be Mitt, but there’s always a chance for a dark horse to come out of nowhere (just not from the list above).
I’m also not interested in discussing how much Mitt will lose in 2012. If you think the Republican base is going to get excited about a Mormon who instituted Obamacare at the state level, I think you’re nuts.
Rather, this post is more about what will inevitably be my favorite part of the 2012 election: when America finds out how fucking crazy Mormonism is. Now, it’s not only possible, but it’s likely that liberals will shy away from that issue in an attempt to do the honorable thing by being PC, but it will be fodder for comedians and late night talk show hosts, and Moroni knows I am going to have fun with it.
I mean sure, you got your magic underwear, and that’s funny and all… on a fifth grade level. For those not in the know, when the end of times comes, fire will engulf everyone who isn’t wearing this special underwear that covers the arms and legs. Really, it’s a way of instituting modest dress, but the reasoning is so downright adorable that it bears repeating.
Then you got the fact that Mormons believe God lives on a planet called Kolob, or a planet orbiting a star called Kolob (it’s not very clear). In addition, God is seen to be a man of flesh and bone. Good Mormons don’t just go to heaven when they die, they get their own planet, for them and their family. It’s not explained how that works… like, do I get my own planet or am I stuck on my dad’s, or my grandpa’s?
Then you have the small matter of black people being seen as cursed by God (which explains their black skin… since they descend from Cain) and being incapable of becoming Mormons. That is, until 1978 when they magically received a revelation in the wake of the Civil Rights movement that the long-awaited time had come for black people, and they could now become Mormons.
Keep in mind this is a religion that doesn’t allow alcohol or caffeine… but racism is okay (for a century and a half, anyway).
And of course, Jesus visited America. This is particularly important, for one major reason: Mormonism is the American Christianity. The Book of Mormon is partly about how Jesus walked in America, preaching to the native tribes after his resurrection. This puts America on the Christian map, instead of making Christianity some distant, far-removed religion.
Frankly, I’m surprised Mormonism isn’t more popular. I’d chalk it up to religious types being unwilling to change, but I think it’s inevitable that Mormonism will be the predominant Christian faith someday. At it’s heart, Mormonism isn’t just about America, it’s also about the real American dream.
That planet you get if you are a good Mormon… there are people living on it, and it is the duty of those people to worship you. In other words, Mormons believe you can become a god, and is there anything more American than that?