It has come to my attention that Christians are having boring sex. Christianity hammers an [un]healthy dose of shame and sexual guilt into the believer. Christians don’t even feel comfortable discussing sex in a constructive manner. Frankly, it’s no wonder so many Christian wives have never had an orgasm and so many Christian men are out having sex with male prostitutes.
But in a way, it’s a little perplexing. I had always thought that Christian sex guilt was just for show. Most Christians don’t wait until marriage, in fact I suspect most Christians don’t even marry the first person they sleep with. None of the Christians I ever slept with married me, and they didn’t seem too repressed.
Suppose someone actually followed the rules (no laughing, I’m being serious here). Having only one sexual partner your whole life would be a pretty tough gig.
Waiting until marriage and only sleeping with that person strikes me as worse than having never seen your spouse-to-be before the wedding. It’s like having never seen another woman, maybe because all the women where you live have to where some sort of clothing that covers everything, even their face [thank goodness no such place exists…]. Sure, you will never know what you never had, but I am positive you’ll still be able to tell if you get a dud.
There’s so much knowledge that can be gleaned from sleeping with multiple people.
Which got me thinking… I should share some of the lessons I have learned in my sexual life. I mean, I’ve already found the woman I want to be with for the rest of my life, and while I don’t advocate it as the only or best way, I am also monogamous. In all likelihood, if I don’t share this knowledge with others, all those sweaty fumblings in the backseats of cars will be wasted…
About that. Don’t try to have sex in the lot of public parks after dark. That’s a sure way to be interrupted by police officers. Nothing’s more embarrassing than stepping out of the backseat of your car wearing only your boxers and a condom in half an inch of snow, bare foot, and asking, “Is there a problem officer?”
Which reminds me: have sex early. You’re only young enough to sleep with 15 and 16 year olds for a short time: don’t blow it. You’ll need those awesome teen-aged romps in your memory in case you ever get stuck in a southern hotel with no cable.
Speaking of jerking it, make a serious effort to do it behind a locked door, unless you don’t mind talking to parents/roommates without making eye contact for a couple weeks. And don’t be one of those people who needs a lot to jerk off. You know what I mean…
Guys shouldn’t need more than an image and their hand. Lotion is just the first step towards dying, strangled in a closet with your dick in your hand. Women: limit it to one toy per guy you’ve dated (or one for every year you have been without a date), and only vibrators that run on batteries. If you have to plug it into the wall… let’s just say men find that a daunting act to follow.
I guess at this point I should say “always use a condom,” but honestly, I say use a condom until you’ve both been to the doctor and you know your partner won’t cheat on you. In truth, you can’t “know” they won’t cheat on you, but at some point you might as well risk it. You can only fuck through a balloon for so long, and you should be well acquainted with someone’s genital health after a half dozen months or so.
Which brings me to another point: don’t bother having too many one-night stands. I guess there’s some appeal to at least trying it out, but having sex with someone for the first time is often the worst sex you will ever have with that person. Not always, but more often than not. You don’t know what they want, they don’t know what you want, and having lots of short-term partners is a great way to get yourself an antibiotic prescription, or worse.
Even with condoms, most STD’s can be spread fairly easily. I’m always amused by the medically naïve who believe oral or anal are a substitute for safe sex. I always imagine their embarrassment when they try to explain that “cold sore” that pops up every few months, or having to smell the wart being burned off their asshole.
And on that note, I’m hungry, so I’m off to make tacos. I have to say, I had a lot of fun discussing sex, and maybe I should make it a regular part of my blog. I could start a feature called “Reservoir Tips” where I talk about this stuff all the time…