Saturday, September 4, 2010

Christians and Sex

It has come to my attention that Christians are having boring sex. Christianity hammers an [un]healthy dose of shame and sexual guilt into the believer. Christians don’t even feel comfortable discussing sex in a constructive manner. Frankly, it’s no wonder so many Christian wives have never had an orgasm and so many Christian men are out having sex with male prostitutes.

But in a way, it’s a little perplexing. I had always thought that Christian sex guilt was just for show. Most Christians don’t wait until marriage, in fact I suspect most Christians don’t even marry the first person they sleep with. None of the Christians I ever slept with married me, and they didn’t seem too repressed.

Suppose someone actually followed the rules (no laughing, I’m being serious here). Having only one sexual partner your whole life would be a pretty tough gig.

Waiting until marriage and only sleeping with that person strikes me as worse than having never seen your spouse-to-be before the wedding. It’s like having never seen another woman, maybe because all the women where you live have to where some sort of clothing that covers everything, even their face [thank goodness no such place exists…]. Sure, you will never know what you never had, but I am positive you’ll still be able to tell if you get a dud.

There’s so much knowledge that can be gleaned from sleeping with multiple people.

Which got me thinking… I should share some of the lessons I have learned in my sexual life. I mean, I’ve already found the woman I want to be with for the rest of my life, and while I don’t advocate it as the only or best way, I am also monogamous. In all likelihood, if I don’t share this knowledge with others, all those sweaty fumblings in the backseats of cars will be wasted…

About that. Don’t try to have sex in the lot of public parks after dark. That’s a sure way to be interrupted by police officers. Nothing’s more embarrassing than stepping out of the backseat of your car wearing only your boxers and a condom in half an inch of snow, bare foot, and asking, “Is there a problem officer?”

Which reminds me: have sex early. You’re only young enough to sleep with 15 and 16 year olds for a short time: don’t blow it. You’ll need those awesome teen-aged romps in your memory in case you ever get stuck in a southern hotel with no cable.

Speaking of jerking it, make a serious effort to do it behind a locked door, unless you don’t mind talking to parents/roommates without making eye contact for a couple weeks. And don’t be one of those people who needs a lot to jerk off. You know what I mean…

Guys shouldn’t need more than an image and their hand. Lotion is just the first step towards dying, strangled in a closet with your dick in your hand. Women: limit it to one toy per guy you’ve dated (or one for every year you have been without a date), and only vibrators that run on batteries. If you have to plug it into the wall… let’s just say men find that a daunting act to follow.

I guess at this point I should say “always use a condom,” but honestly, I say use a condom until you’ve both been to the doctor and you know your partner won’t cheat on you. In truth, you can’t “know” they won’t cheat on you, but at some point you might as well risk it. You can only fuck through a balloon for so long, and you should be well acquainted with someone’s genital health after a half dozen months or so.

Which brings me to another point: don’t bother having too many one-night stands. I guess there’s some appeal to at least trying it out, but having sex with someone for the first time is often the worst sex you will ever have with that person. Not always, but more often than not. You don’t know what they want, they don’t know what you want, and having lots of short-term partners is a great way to get yourself an antibiotic prescription, or worse.

Even with condoms, most STD’s can be spread fairly easily. I’m always amused by the medically naïve who believe oral or anal are a substitute for safe sex. I always imagine their embarrassment when they try to explain that “cold sore” that pops up every few months, or having to smell the wart being burned off their asshole.

And on that note, I’m hungry, so I’m off to make tacos. I have to say, I had a lot of fun discussing sex, and maybe I should make it a regular part of my blog. I could start a feature called “Reservoir Tips” where I talk about this stuff all the time…

13 comments:

  1. Hahaha, excellent post. I can't imagine having waiting until marriage to have sex. Or waiting until marriage before you move in together.

    That sounds like buying an expensive car with a crappy warantee without even test driving it! No I know that sounds like I'm equating women to vehicles (you have to "test drive" them first hehe). But I'm not. It goes both ways. You can't decide to marry someone if you have no idea what two of the most important aspects of a relationship are going to be like with them. Sex and living together!

    Ugh, oh well, I'm not Christian, and whoever I end up with certainly won't be strongly religious either, so what do I care?

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  2. I just reread my above post and noticed the embarassing grammar and spelling mistakes. Apparently I can't write today. Ah well.

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  3. Sure, a woman wouldn't buy a pair of shoes without trying them on. Although oddly enough, I know women who would buy a car without a test drive or guys who buy shoes without trying them on.

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  4. Great post! :D I was going through my blogger reading list when I saw your blog.

    Yes, I think you should post about sex on a regular basis. With all of the negative influences out there, it's very important to have a wise voice out there.

    Sex is nothing to be ashamed of, unless it's perverted. I totally agree, being raised a Christian, that sex is something you just don't talk about (until it's absolutely necessary). At least that's how it is in my experience.

    I think your advise about sex is exactly what our world needs to hear. And who cares if they calls "prudes". I'm proud to be one.

    And I know your being serious but I had to laugh...a little, but I smiled big a lot. ;)

    Thanks again!

    Toni :)

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  5. LOL... This is too funny. Maybe you should do this regularly. Its healthy.

    From a female perspective, if I had married the "first" one, I would have not been very happy. Sexually, he was akin to Valium, which would have been better; at least Valium is peaceful and relaxing. If I had married that, I never would have known any different, and that would have been a very sad thing. And, I have always appreciated a male who watched porn to learn technique, he most certainly did not. You can rate a boy by how much he has watched based on sheer performance- the ones who watched moderately to excessively seem to perform the best. A girl can always tell.

    One more thing- these abstinence people totally have it so wrong with their kids. My dad was atheist, and a really nice guy. Well intentioned one day, he came into my room when I was 15. He gave me the talk, and told me that the door was open, he would never judge, and that all he asked was that I came to him for birth control. He laid it out, he would support me no matter what. The idea of approaching my dad for birth control kept me a virgin till I was 19, and well out of his house. Sheerly for the fact that if I did it, and I did not go to him, and he found out, how hurt and disappointed he would be. So, I just did not go there. That is what they need to do. Had my dad asked me to do a pledge of abstinence, I might have had to become very dirty in my habits.

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  6. "None of the Christians I ever slept with married me, and they didn’t seem too repressed." Bret Alan

    I'm sorry Bret, and I know that you want to be taken seriously, but that is funny. LOL

    And that's not the only thing.

    "....or having to smell the wart being burned off their asshole." Bret Alan

    See what I'm sayin' here? THAT is brilliant comedy. I'm jealous. ;)

    Oh and this toooooo!!!!

    "Guys shouldn’t need more than an image and their hand. Lotion is just the first step towards dying, strangled in a closet with your dick in your hand."

    And I could go on and on and on...

    Don't laugh????? Are you a stand-up Comedian or what?

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  7. Oh if you are worried your kids will have sex, all you have to do is tell your kids how much you and your spouse love to do it, how you do it in every room of the house, on the kitchen table, in the very shower they bath in... hell, your kids might become monks and nuns after that.

    I would go the other way, though, and hope they experimented early.

    And Toni: My wife tried to get me to do stand up, but I think I would royally bomb. I actually did stand up once for a speech class and it went really well, but I had note cards. I remember my first joke too:

    "Why are there no male Asian porn stars? I know the stereotypes, but there's that 8 foot Chinese guy in the NBA, so clearly there's genetic diversity over there. And what a missed opportunity, because a male Asian porn star would be able to have the best names: Hung Wey Lo, Wey Lo Dong, Wel Hung Gai... the possibilities are endless."

    Did I mention the speech professor was Asian? Luckily she laughed. Also, one of the Asian guys in class came up to me after to ask me what those names were again so he could write them down. Maybe he's going into the biz?

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  8. Tink: I don't know how I forgot to address this, but I have to go back and do so.

    You think guys learn good technique from porn? Really? I mean... that's cool, I don't judge but... the bad habits you can learn from porn are basically endless:

    - assuming you should hold a girl's skull when she's giving you oral
    - assuming the best sex involves 30-60 seconds in one position, then a switch to another that is designed to look good on film
    - assuming girls can deep throat
    - assuming girls do anal
    - assuming all girls were gymnasts and can pull their knees behind their ears
    - assuming "titty fucking" is enjoyable for either party involved (easily the most over rated sex act ever)
    - assuming she wants a load on her face
    - assuming she has friends who will come over "just to use the shower" (at least at first...)
    - assuming women love huge dicks
    - assuming women want sex to last an hour or more
    - assuming women will just disappear after you've cum
    - assuming sex with three guys and 1 girl isn't slightly gay (not that there's anything wrong with that)
    - assuming that people of different races all get along great once they're naked
    - and finally, that you can look like Ron Jeremy and be popular with the ladies

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  9. Clearly you can tell from my list I've seen some porn. In fact, if looking at porn made me a better lover, I would be a regular Don Juan at this point. In reality, all I have to show for it are forearms like Popeye and a deep understanding of how to erase a browser's history.

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  10. Yeah, Ginx.... Again, my discussion is more about technique. Meaning that it has made them better when they actually get to it. I guess that I am lucky in the way that they were able to kinda get that part of it.... The splicing of myth and reality. However, a girl can appreciate a lack of fumbling, and at least a fairly solid technique that adapted as they got to know you better.

    My first was so boring and dull.... It was not till I actually cheated on him (wonder why?) that I was able to see what I was missing. So, I really pity girls who marry the first one.

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  11. Oh tink, you should know by now it's my callling in life to blow people's words out of context. Now I just need to wait for the left to create their version of Fox News and finally I'll find employment.

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  12. You would make a fortune..... I would tune in all of the time. LOL. Had I learned the lessons- porn would have made me this type of girl;
    - I would have sat with my girlfriends in my underwear and spoke in inarticulate sentences.
    - Glasses would have been a prop
    - I would have assumed that every semi to not attractive girl had overt lesbian tendencies
    - I would have been into every guy who grabbed his privates
    - I would have also looked for the camera while performing certain acts
    - I would have learned to suntan

    I can do more, just need some time.

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  13. "And Toni: My wife tried to get me to do stand up, but I think I would royally bomb. I actually did stand up once for a speech class and it went really well, but I had note cards. I remember my first joke too:

    "Why are there no male Asian porn stars? I know the stereotypes, but there's that 8 foot Chinese guy in the NBA, so clearly there's genetic diversity over there. And what a missed opportunity, because a male Asian porn star would be able to have the best names: Hung Wey Lo, Wey Lo Dong, Wel Hung Gai... the possibilities are endless."

    Did I mention the speech professor was Asian? Luckily she laughed. Also, one of the Asian guys in class came up to me after to ask me what those names were again so he could write them down. Maybe he's going into the biz?"

    LOL This is well worth repeating Bret. :D hahaha You're wife has the right idea. ;)

    I was married to an Asian, Chinese to be exact. He was partially Spaniard as well. Wow too many power drinks for that guy. When I was 3 or 4 I had a ballerina doll that I wound up. I spent hours winding her up so she would spin around and around, making my dizzy. That's what Roderick reminded me of. lol

    One time we were getting hot and heavy upstairs and someone knocked on the door downstairs. I went down and answered the door. It was a friend of my ex. He said is Rod home? And said, with a serious face, yes but he tied up at the moment. His friend said okay I'll come back later. He didn't get it.

    My ex was really tied up. It was his idea, he wanted me to tie to the bed. I'm not into bondage myself. But he really enjoyed. lol

    It's funny cuz it seems like Comedians can get away with making fun of people when it's intended to be a part of their act, that is.

    Toni

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