For No Particular Reason

I was quote mining the other day, perusing through statements of Jefferson, Franklin, Cicero, and other great statesmen. I realized it’s been a while since we had a quotable president, and it’s certainly never happened in my lifetime. I mean sure, there’s some quotes I remember…

Just say no.
Read my lips, no new taxes.
I did not inhale.
That depends on what your definition of the word “is” is.

And frankly, I don’t even want to get into Bush. I am burned out on Bush. I rest easier now that he’s not president and I know he’s doing what he does best: being a PR guy for organizations he has no control over. I’m glad he’s doing his part for Haiti, and I think the look on Clinton’s face while he’s sitting next to him is priceless. [“I can’t believe this smirking jack-ass wouldn’t even go to this much trouble during Katrina…”]

So I thought… Republicans since Reagan have all been either a complete idiot with verbal diarrhea or a quiet, nefarious type who pleads the fifth when asked what he had for breakfast and has work-related Alzheimer’s… but I couldn’t remember the last quotable Republican. Then it hit me: Dan Quayle.

So, for your amusement, I give you: the wisdom of Dan Quayle, Vice President under George H.W. Bush.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is “to be prepared.”
~ Dan Quayle

[VP: Not responsible for counting.]

I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.
~ Dan Quayle

[Dan Quayle is from… the future!]

We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.
~ Dan Quayle

[Note to stoners: do not attempt to drive to Holland.]

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.
~ Dan Quayle

[Of course not, he’s from… the future!]

[It’s] time for the human race to enter the solar system.
~ Dan Quayle

[This isn’t even geography, it’s cosmography.]

The future will be better tomorrow.
~ Dan Quayle

[And he would know, because he’s from…]

Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
~ Dan Quayle

[Especially when the baby has been very, very naughty.]

We don’t want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward.
~ Dan Quayle

[Trust him, he’s been there.]

We’re all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.
~ Dan Quayle

[Dan, I don’t think you could enlighten a room unless someone showed you the switch.]

Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.
~ Dan Quayle

[In the future, everyone’s been in space!]

What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.
~ Dan Quayle

[In one of his more introspective moments…]

People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.
~ Dan Quayle

[Upon receiving his first mirror.]

Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
~ Dan Quayle

[Things, you know… thing-a-ma-jigs, do-dads, doohickeys… it’s all very technical stuff, he doesn’t want to confuse us with jargon.]

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.
~ Dan Quayle

[The Republican paradox: America is the greatest nation to ever exist on Earth and nothing can stop us… but we’re teetering on the brink.]

Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still has a job next year.
~ Dan Quayle

[Also known as the “Dan Quayle Jinx.”]

Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.
~ Dan Quayle

[They missed one.]

We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.
~ Dan Quayle

[Yeah, fuck those ignorant American people living abroad!]

We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
~ Dan Quayle

[They have professional unforeseers, who close their eyes and imagine the most ridiculous things, all to protect you.]

For NASA, space is still a high priority.
~ Dan Quayle

[Tang just never took off…]

I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.
~ Dan Quayle

[Thanks for clearing that up.]

Public speaking is very easy.
~ Dan Quayle

[Especially if you don’t care what you say.]