Sunday, January 3, 2010

Unsavory Theology

I’m a pretty sophomoric guy, and Christianity is full of strange things most people don’t think about that a prurient mind like mine can’t help but notice. Here are two of my favorites:

Exhibit A: The Holy Prepuce

Jesus, like all Jews before and after him, was circumcised. This means the foreskin on his penis was cut off. Now, it seems unlikely, but many have claimed that someone had the “fore”sight to hold onto Jesus’ willy-hood. Nobles, kings, bishops and popes in the middle ages went “nuts” for Jesus memorabilia of all kinds: parts of wood claiming to be from the cross to which Jesus was nailed, the infamously fake Shroud of Turin, etc. Churches even held onto what they swore was part of Christ’s crotch.

Exhibit B: Mary’s “Virginity”

I’m not going to make the case here that Mary was not a virgin. The fact is, she was not, but most Christians will not accept that. So, according to Christianity, Mary’s hymen was intact when she gave birth to Jesus. For those not in the know, the hymen is the medical name of the membrane of skin that is broken when a woman loses her virginity (or falls on a fence post as a kid, or rides a horse often). According to Christians, this means Jesus took his mother's virginity during the birth process, technically popping his own mother’s cherry, making him the youngest man to ever do so. Add that to his list of accomplishments, if you dare. But stop calling Mary the “Eternal Virgin;” Jesus had siblings (notably James).

10 comments:

  1. "But stop calling Mary the “Eternal Virgin;” Jesus had siblings (notably James). "

    You know I'm not a Christian but there are two easy explanations for that.

    Roman Catholic preferred version:
    The word translated from the Greek for "sibling" could mean brother - but it could also mean cousin.

    Eastern Orthodox preferred version:
    Joseph was an elderly widower with children from a previous marriage.

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  2. It all sounds like the guy had a complex about his mother having sex.

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  3. The truth of the matter is there are all kinds of strange people in this world; so why does it still cause any surprise that some crazies would actually want to acquire Jesus' fore skin?!

    As far as the Mary virgin thing...There are 2 main thoughts within historical Christianity. Both of these thoughts are that Mary was a virgin when she gave birth to Jesus because the whole belief is that God gave her Jesus within her. But then the two part ways. Some, most notably Catholics, see Mary as always a virgin and deal with the "sibling" scriptures as Samuel points out. The others, most protestants, say that James and others were her children and that after giving birth to Jesus she engaged in the normal life of a married woman.

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  4. Finished Chapter 2 of Meyer's books.
    He thinks the virgin birth was just thrown in to mythologize Jesus and was made-up.

    I kind of wonder if Meyer's approach to the gospels isn't too different from Thomas Jeffersons....

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  5. Jefferson didn't start his own church in order to run a tax exempt business.

    Jesus must have been born of Joseph and Mary. There was no prophecy of him being born of a virgin, but there was a prophecy that he must be of the house of David. Joseph would have to be the father for this to be the case.

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  6. Although Jefferson did start his own country and create the mythology of his life, even his own Bible...

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  7. Thomas Jefferson was pretty cool for his day.
    I mean, relative to the other rich, white, male, land-owners.

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  8. ... and slave fuckers.

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  9. One thing I can't understand:
    I haven't read the Bible nor intend to so correct me if I'm wrong.

    Does Jesus say that he is the son of God at any point?
    If he was as Glorious as they say. Then I can't think of him as a show-off who calls himself a son of god.
    If he did say. Is he really that Glorious?

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  10. Matthew 16:16-17 is about as close as you get. Jesus asks Peter who he believe Jesus is, and Peter says "the son of the living God." Jesus' reply: "for flesh and blood hath not revealed it unto thee, but my Father which is in heaven." (translation: no man could have told you, clearly God did... so Jesus is agreeing).

    However, consider that these are not the writings of Jesus, nor of anyone who knew him personally. These are second or even third hand accounts. The above quote is important because it immediately precedes the verse which is most cited as the establishment of Peter as the first pope (thereby legitimizing the Roman Catholic church). These books were chosen because of what they could do for the church selecting them as canon. There was great debate early on as to whether Jesus was the son of God, God Himself, or just a man. The ones who believed he was the son of God AND God are the ones who won, in the end.

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