Five Simple Things Obama Should Do

1. Pull the troops out – Both Iraq and Afghanistan are lost causes. We don’t need a warning to leave, either. We marched in, we can march out. Let the private contractors deal with leaving or staying; they’re free to do whatever they want. They have more than enough government money to compensate them for their time. Leave things behind, I don’t care. It cannot possibly be more expensive than running the wars for another day.

2. Veto something – So far, the only thing Obama has even threatened to veto is further financial bailout funding. Basically, his strongest stance has been on giving money to failed businesses. Instead, veto the horrible health bill, veto any budget that is not balanced, and veto all funds for the wealthy and their failures.

3. Fight for victims – Gays have gotten snubbed more than once now, and the poor continue to get help on a laughably lower scale than the wealthy. Obama needs to end “top down” economic philosophy and start rebuilding the foundations of this country: its lower- and middle-class workers.

4. Universal health care – There should not be a single person within our borders who won’t be treated. I don’t care if they’re “illegal” immigrants, either. They’re only illegal because conservatives closed the valve on immigration and made it impossible to become legal. Even criminals in jail can see a doctor. Our prisoners are treated better than tens of millions of uninsured Americans. If it’s so hard to come up with something new, just put every uninsured person on the prisoner plan and let out that many drug offenders.

5. Smack a bitch – My first impulse was Sarah Palin, but Michele Bachmann would look absolutely beautiful with a huge, red handprint across her face. And don’t feel like it has to be a woman; plenty of conservative men are bitches. John Boehner and Rush Limbaugh would be excellent targets if Obama wants to avoid hitting a woman (but I can’t imagine Republicans would raise a stink about their oldest tradition).