Sunday, October 4, 2009

A Brave New Libertarian World

Share with me now, a bold[ly facetious] vision of the future:

In this Libertarian World, it is Year Zero. The Libertarians have gained overwhelming control of the government, and true to their word (and here is how you know it’s fiction), they begin dismantling the power structure of the federal government.

In this world, the only people who vote Republican anymore are racists. They still get 10% or so year after year.

In this world, millions of single mothers stop receiving government aid. But this is okay, because prostitution is legalized. Only the children of ugly women who won’t do anal have to prostitute themselves to eat.

In this world, about sixty percent of the female population leaves the US because nothing is more annoying to them than Libertarianism. Back in the states, things get so desperate that it ceases to be “gay” unless you push back.

In this world, fires burn poor and rural communities that lack adequately funded fire stations. Natural disaster after natural disaster shakes region after region of the country. The rich watch it all on TV while eating deep-fried-lobster-wrapped-in-bacon-on-a-stick, Now with Extra Trans Fat! [I’d try it]

In this world, pandas, condors, whales, snow owls, rhinos, elephants, lions, tigers, some bears (oh my?), sea turtles, and hippies all become extinct, and Rush Limbaugh personally ate most of them.

In this world, NASA is dismantled, but space travel thrives. The Bill Gates Space Program etches the Microsoft Logo onto the moon. A joint venture by GE and several power companies launch a satellite which blocks out the sun. Light bulb sales skyrocket, farmers must pay to receive sunlight, and Simpsons creator Matt Groening loses a lawsuit claiming the idea was originally his.

In this world, the air becomes so bad that oxygen is sold in canisters next to bottled water in grocery stores. Poop from stray dogs and cats slowly fill the sidewalks and gutters.

In this world, crime is almost non-existent. People don’t bother going out anymore because privately run security forces unburdened by the constitution comb the streets, arresting women and raping men.

In this world, jails are privately run slave farms and factories. Private police forces arrest more and more citizens to maintain ever increasing quotas. As a result of this enormous unpaid labor force, all non-skilled jobs disappear in the US and unemployment is pandemic.

In this world, everyone owns a gun. The average erect penis length inexplicably shrinks to a mere four inches (which makes the raping a little easier). Surprise parties at times become violent shoot outs.

In this world, communities build their own amenities. Areas become isolated as interstate highways crumble. Debt is wiped clean, but superiority is maintained by communities with the best schools and jobs. Ghettos are still ghettos, but you don’t have to go there to get drugs anymore.

In this world, all drugs are legalized. Tobacco rots on shelves, unsold. With access to cocaine and all manner of amphetamines, Wall Street remains operating 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The country is robbed four times faster.

In this world, we don’t have to tolerate it for long. China comes knocking at our door, asking about the trillions of dollars we owe them. They don’t buy the whole “We wiped debt clean” argument, and invade us. We are defended by a disorganized system of militias and private security contractors. After being promised land and non-American currency, these defenses quickly turn on their countrymen and proceed to slaughter the populace.

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