I hope this letter finds you well. You never responded back before, but I assume you’re still interested because you keep sending your friends.
About that… maybe you should ease up a little on telling people to skulk around my neighborhood handing out “The Watchtower.” I’m sure you’re a great guy, but the whole hard-sell is really a big turn off.
In fact, I’m writing this mostly to say… I think we should see other deities. It’s not you, it’s me. I just think we’ve grown apart, me with my mortal life and you with your endless reign of terror over the whole universe.
I know you say you love me, but every time we disagree on something it’s your way or the highway to hell. To be honest, I never really loved you. I never thought of you as anything more than a fuck-buddy. I still scream your name out sometimes during sex, I must admit.
Seriously, God, think about it. It never would have worked out between us. You’re just too possessive. I can’t have any other gods, but you’re willing to take anyone who says “yes.” You’re kind of a slut, God. I’m not judging, I know how you hate that, I’m just saying… it was doomed from the start..
So that’s about it. Maybe we’ll see each other at the occasional wedding or funeral, but for the most part this is good-bye. Tell your creepy little hand-puppet Jesus, too.