The Political Bargain of the Millenium

Reading a post by Heathen Republican got me thinking (as it so often does). After fantasizing about choking Glenn Beck for a few minutes, I moved on to the concept of the political bargain.

What if gay people were willing to give up some stuff in order to gain gay marriage? So, I came up with a list of demands from the right in exchange for demands from the left, starting with gay marriage.

Gay marriage is a big one, and it’s been a sticking point for years. Republicans aren’t going to give this up easy. First things first: no more gay pride parades. Never again will thousands of rhinestone studded thongs go wagging through American streets (exception: San Francisco). Also, straight people can keep calling things they don’t like “gay,” and “faggot” is the new acceptable term for someone who’s being a pussy (pussy will be phased out; women got promoted).

Speaking of women, the Supreme Court rejected a group of women’s right to a class-action lawsuit against Wal-Mart. In the end, I think women would be treated equally at Wal-Mart, being paid and promoted the same as men, if only men could smack female employees on the rump and say “Lookin’ sharp, toots.” It works on Mad Men; those women are so empowered.

No discussion about rights would be possible without mentioning black people. No seriously, it’s not possible. If I don’t mention them, I get sued by the NAACP for discrimination discrimination. It’s a tough game being a liberal blogger…

Black people are always going on and on about reparations, or at least I hear they do, according to Rush Limbaugh, Alex Jones, Lew Rockwell, Bill O’Reilly, and all of my other favorite white men who are scholars in African-American affairs. I don’t know a lot of black people myself, but I trust their judgment. They seem pretty on the level, for yuppies.

So I’m thinking, what would be worth 40 acres and a mule to every black person in the country?

Well the first one is obvious: I should be able to say nigger. And not just me, any white person (not Asian people, they deserve nothing). I’m sick and tired of not being able to say nigger without getting angry stares in the grocery store. Black people have been lording it over me since I was born, and damnit… I deserve the right to stand proudly in public and say, “Niggers, niggers, niggers!” without security dragging me away as I foam at the mouth.

However, I think I’m alone in this desire, so we may need something to sweeten the pot for all of my fellow honkies, and I think I know just the thing. First, no more “black guys have huge dicks” stuff. Saying black guys have enormous penises is the new “nigger.” Saying so will get you fired from your television program. When we see old clips of people making jokes about it, we’ll shake our heads and mutter, “Those were different times…”

But let’s not forget about the women. From now on, if black people get reparations, white women will no longer find black men scary. Spotting a black man approaching you in a deserted parking garage will no longer make white women’s blood run cold, because black men are no longer poverty-stricken criminals. They may still rape you, but at least you know they’re not just some thug, they’re landed gentry.

Let’s see, who else can I offend this morning…

I’m focusing on the left, which is so selfish of me. I shouldn’t forget about my poor, oppressed friends on the right. As with all right-wing policy, we begin at the top, with the mega-wealthy.

The rich are always complaining about taxes, and I have a solution. Those who make over $100 million a year no longer pay one dime in taxes. In return, we’ll do the rich one more small favor. Since the wealthy will be able to buy so much stuff with all that money, they couldn’t possibly use it all. So, to help our million- and billionaire friends out, everything owned by the mega-wealthy will be public property.

All those homes, boats, pools, house boats with pools… all open for public use. This way, all those nice things don’t just collect dust. We’ll be doing the wealthy a favor, since they no longer have to pay for a caretaker to keep all of their expensive doodads in working order.

While Republicans are content to only do things for the rich, I don’t want to leave out the little people on the right, the ones who actually get those cronies elected. And I think I have just the thing.

All of these changes… I think this is what would upset the rank and file on the right. They don’t have any complaints like those above, because they’re happy with the status quo, that’s why they vote Republican. But all of this change… it just might make their little heads explode under their foam-fronted mesh hats. Never fear, I have an idea… [That rhymes if you read it aloud in their voice.]

Now stay with me on this, because I have to use Republican logic in order to formulate the solution, but if you hang in there, it will almost make sense if you squint really hard. Okay, who is to blame for all of this change? That’s right, Hollywood. So, Hollywood has to fix it, and it’s not even that difficult.

Basically, you have two sets of TV channels. One for reality, the other for Republicans. The news and programming on the Republican channels make it appear as if none of the above changes ever happened. And let’s be honest, these inbred mouth-breathers couldn’t handle saying “nigger” or smacking a gal’s ass, anyway. This sort of ties the whole thing together, because it corrects any possible problems caused by the above.

Everyone gets their change, and those afraid of change never find out it happened. I have solved America. You’re welcome.

[The views expressed herein forthwith hitherto do not necessarily reflect well upon the author or his family. Raised by wolves in the upper reaches of Montana is not even a worthy excuse for the writer of this particular post.]