Sunday, June 26, 2011

Random Thoughts, June 2011

This is a repost of something I put up at Skeptical Eye this past week. I just decided to share it with you guys, for those who only read this blog and not the other… so what I’m saying is, I don’t blame you if you didn’t see it yet, but if you have, you can save yourself the time and eerie feeling of déjà vu.

Sometimes, I think society isn’t very good at finding the root cause of things. For example, people blame TV for kids doing stupid stuff, but dumb stuff has been on TV as long as there’s been TV, and fairy tales are full of ridiculous situations. Wile E. Coyote was strapping rockets to his roller skates in the 50’s, but kids weren’t going out and doing it... until the 90’s. Why? Maybe because that was the generation that grew up being told, “You can do anything.”

What if the light at the end of the tunnel when we are dying is the world on the other side of our next mother’s vagina? More importantly, where can I get more of this weed?

I hate stuck up rich kids who were born on third base and act like they hit a triple. I’m not suggesting they go back to first base (I didn’t), but at least acknowledge reality.

They say love is blind, but maybe it just wears sunglasses to look cool.

Maybe if we had more gays in the military, we would have known how to pull out of a shit hole.

I’m against animal testing, because it encourages researchers to only teach to the exam. Animals need a broader education.

Anthony Weiner essentially resigned for performing actions which I’m pretty sure are a requirement of running for office as a Republican.

I studied philosophy, so I’m looking forward to the collapse of civilization, because I’m uniquely qualified to work in conditions similar to those of ancient Greece.

I often hear people say that America is a land of excess. America practices many things in moderation, like equality, justice, peace, vacation, mercy… in fact, all the best stuff, we ration it out quite modestly.

Some would have you believe education is too expensive, but education is priceless. It is ignorance which is too expensive.

Plenty of atheists waste time talking to religious people about things like evidence and logic. If religious people relied on logic and evidence, they wouldn’t be religious people.

It’s interesting to note that when children hang out in a box, it is considered quaint, but adults hanging out in a box... is just sad.

Suits are a lie, worn.

Scientists have determined that we are always being watched by a duck. They aren’t sure which duck, yet, and are seeking funding for further studies.

Headlines Fox News dreads having to run:
Allah Declared One True God
Rain Forecast for Swearing in of Pres. Rodriguez
Jesus Returns; Buddhists Seen Floating Away
Reagan Was Gay
It’s Official: Whites Are Moving Back to Europe
Poor People Now Have Healthcare
Everything Seems Fine
Obama fixes economy; Boehner: He’s still a nigger

There will never be enough kingdoms for all the kings and queens.

I keep seeing ads for sites claiming to be “The Facebook of Sex.” Isn’t that what the actual Facebook is for?

Advice for finding a date: don’t be ugly.

Did you know that in America, only 1 in 20 people are in the top 5%? If you have an American education, probably not.

I sometimes wonder where all the comments I lost go when Blogger errors out. I like to think the good ones go to a magical place up in the clouds, where they hang out with each other for all of eternity. The bad ones (along with deleted comments) burn forever in lost comment hell. Or maybe they just disappear forever...

I want shoes that can detect when I’m running up stairs and will start playing “Rocky” music.

Whenever I feel bad about downloading music illegally, I watch MTV Cribs.

In California, there are solar powered tanning salons. I’m serious, Google it.

If money can’t buy happiness, poverty definitely can’t afford it.

My favorite Wheel of Fortune “Before and After” puzzles that will never be:
Fucked Over And Out
What the Fuck Off
Dumb As Dog Shit for Brains

Americans have a little something extra, by which I mean… you know how when you’re putting something back together and there are screws left over, but you don’t know where they belong? Yeah, that “something extra.”

I never thought I’d want a gun
‘Til I heard birds at 5:01

Canadian politics makes about as much sense to me as round bacon.

I don’t like the term “pro-life.” You can’t support the death penalty or frivolous wars and then call yourself “pro-life” just because you oppose abortion. And it’s a little suspicious that these same people claim to care about “life,” but they really oppose the idea of poor people being provided healthcare. These people aren’t “pro-life,” they’re “pro-birth,” which makes sense, because in their world of unnecessary death, you need more births to keep up.

I used to wonder why they called it “morbid obesity,” but then I realized it’s because fat people wear so much black.

If anyone has seen Radio Bloger, please contact the authorities. He was last seen throwing a strawman down a slippery slope.

Just for the sake of the pun, I want to write a book about Mongolian literature and leaders called “The Prose and Kahns of Mongolia.”

Banking: never have so few taken so much from so many

As a liberal, I have to say that I’m proud of Fox News for hiring the mentally retarded.

Worst pick-up line ever: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would rape you.

In Soviet Russia, people rob bank. In Capitalist America, bank robs people.

Headlines from a world that never had religion:
Middle East Celebrates 3000th Year of Peace
New Additions to WTC Complete
More Good News from the Mars Colonies

I wouldn’t want to have offended the elephant man, because you just know he would have never forgotten it.

Religions are like Taco Bell beef: neither is primarily what they claim to be, and the more you know about what’s actually in both of them, the less appealing they are.

5 comments:

  1. you're really funny!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think Anon has a crush on you. That's good considering New York's recent marriage news.

    Treat religion like your penis. Don't show it off in public, and never try to shove it down your kid's throat.

    Your right, four out of three Americans don't understand percentages.

    I laughed at a few of these. But, I laugh at sick puppy dogs too.

    When shit becomes valuable, poor people will be born without assholes.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm particularly flattered because some of my favorite funny quotes are actually attributed to Anonymous.

    ReplyDelete
  4. these are hilarious! i really like the one about the shithole. so sad to think of your material lost from timing out. maybe you can do your writing in gmail--it saves for you like every other minute, and then when you're finished just copy and paste everything to your blog? Plus you can search through all your drafts!

    ReplyDelete

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