Atheist Footprints In The Sand

I found myself dreaming of a beach.
I was with God, don’t ask how I recognized Him.
Footprints in the sand represented my life.
Oh God, you are so mysterious and vague.

There were mostly two sets: mine and God’s.
However, when I went through hard times,
When it seemed like my life couldn’t get worse,
I saw only one lonely set of footprints.

I asked God why this was, and he replied,
“I didn’t leave you during the rough times.
No, my dearest child, it was then that I
Jumped on your back and rode your ass!”

The Resume I Wish I Could Submit

Forgive the formatting, I have no desire to make it all line up the way it ought to. You'll get the general idea.

Bret Alan

Contact Info: [As If You’ll Ever Call or Email Me Back]

What You Want To Hear:

• Demonstrated brown-noser with exceptional knowledge of when to say nothing, when to agree, and when to shamelessly take the blame.
• Strong background in faking it, combined with fluency in several languages, including Advanced Level Bullshitting and certification in corporate double-talk.
• Like most members of my species, I am skilled at learning new concepts quickly and I possess all the necessary tools (tongue, lungs, voice box, etc) to communicate ideas clearly and effectively.
• Extensive computer training, including knowledge of how to quickly alt+tab so you won’t see me browsing the internet at work.

Education: BS in… what does it matter, the BS says it all.

Professional History:

Writing Tutor, The College At Which I Earned My Degree: 2007-present

• Worked directly under several of the top intolerable douchebags in my field, taking flack for things I had nothing to do with and assuming responsibility for even when my multiple bosses instructed me to act improperly.
• Researched thousands of news articles which had no bearing whatsoever to my job, but kept me looking busy.
• Wasted hundreds of paid hours copying, collating, and filing forms in triplicate that will never be looked at by anyone again, ever.
• Listened to ESL (and sometimes even native English speaking) students struggle to read a paper they copy-and-pasted from an essay-writing service the night before.

IT Technician, The Company My Dad Works For: hurray nepotism

• Sat dutifully for hours on end playing flash games while waiting for calls from people who can’t figure out why their computer won’t work, when in fact their monitor had been unplugged by the maintenance people the night before.
• Served as interpreter and translator for stupid corporate policies, including the pathetic attempt to prevent the morons they hire from downloading viruses by restricting everyone’s computer use to the point of not being able to even open their mail.
• Initiated multiple practical jokes using the security software that allowed us to control a person’s computer remotely.
• Designed and constructed a fully-fuctional crossbow from common, everyday office supplies.

I wonder why I'm unemployed...

Holocaust Museum Shooting

I was all set to have a bunch of Jew-critical stuff to say today, then I heard about this.

First off, white supremacy is the dumbest idea I've ever heard. Most of the people I know are white, and I know this: we aren't the best race. If we are, the human race has a lot of problems.

Second, Jewish people are white. Which brings me to my third point.

He was not a "white supremacist." Very few people, if anyone, self-identify as that. "White supremacist" is a title like "infidel" or "heathen" that is flung around as a misinformative exonym (a name used by outsiders to refer to a group, but not the name used by the group to describe itself). Most "white supremacists" are Neo-Nazis. This is not Godwin's Law, this is just the way it is.

So this Neo-Nazi rolls up to the Holocaust museum with a gun. He shoots a security guard, then is taken down by other guards. Early reports (as this is being written as it is still going on) show no other injuries.

Here's why white people are inferior. Look at the numbers: he shot one other person, and a security guard at that. They don't even count, honestly. You have to kill innocent bystanders for it to count, and double points for women and children. By this scoring system, white people score horribly. Not only did this guy barely break even in his shot/hit ratio, no white person can touch Seung-Hui Cho's high score of 32 kills, 17 wounded before turning the gun on himself (so technically, he should get the kill). Anyone who's played online shooting games can attest: Asian people can twitch, what can I say?

Now that I got the "sad" stuff out of the way, I'll just briefly mention the Jewish hilarity I read this morning. Apparently, a woman bought her mother a new mattress, replaced it, and threw out the old one. Turns out the mom was stashing a million dollars in cash within the mattress, which was taken by the garbage men before it could be retrieved. It's funny, cause she's Jewish and she stashes money in her mattress.

Now that's some anti-semitism we can all laugh at, why do Neo-Nazis have to ruin the fun? Give it up, YOU LOST! Neo-Nazis and southerners who can't get over the Civil War should start a support group for failed ideologies. Make room, Republicans will need it soon enough.

American Terrorism

Republicans, conservatives, right wingers... they have more titles than they have principles. Case in point: Scott Roeder has openly admitted there is additional violence planned against abortion providers. Mr. Roeder is a textbook terrorist. He has also presented Republicans with the Holy Grail of torture: a ticking time bomb.

Yes, the terrorist scenario every liberal in America has said would never happen HAS happened. We have a man in custody who claims to be part of an organization threatening future acts of violence. As they should, liberals have treated Mr. Roeder like any other murderer. Would Republicans have the same grace if someone shot Rush Limbaugh and claimed Karl Rove was next?

Incidents like this highlight why we need to show restraint towards other nations. Could you imagine blaming Pro-Life organizations he was a part of, or everyone in Mr. Roeder's church? Why do we blame entire nations for the actions of a few of their extremists? We expect everyone to control their people, even as America continues to slip into dissaray.

I want to point out that I agree whole-heartedly with Mr. Roeder on one thing: the conditions in prison are unacceptable. It is most unfortunate that he has been denied access to his sleep apnea machine. America has a general attitude of not only indifference, but venomous hatred for those in jail. They are human beings and should be treated as such (especially since many will be released in their lifetime and will live among us again, though probably not Mr.Roeder).

This all got me thinking about terrorism in general, and I realized: terrorism is just extreme advertising.

The Walker

The streets have become a tarnished parody of our dreams of progress. They are littered with reminders of the disposable culture we find ourselves in. Everywhere, we see reminders that our lives are filled with use-once-and-discard items: an empty bag of Fritos, a tampon applicator, condom wrappers, little ziplock bags the size of a Tic-tac container, homeless people. When times are hard, people harden. The worst among us become worse, but the best become something more, something new.

It seems that unemployment has inspired some to become superheroes. It got me thinking about what superhero I would be. In fact, I realized I may have been a superhero for months now.

I am: The Walker. I prowl the streets with my trusty sidekick, Barkley the dog. I am always looking to help those I see. I’ll share with you the fruits of my 5 months as a superhero/dog owner (in order from least important to most substantial).

First, I am asked on a nearly weekly basis for directions. I am now great at giving directions. I have it down to a system. First, you have to ask yourself: do you know where they’re trying to go? If you have no clue, do both of yourselves a favor and say, “Sorry, I have no idea.” If you know, then direct them. If you use your arm, MAINTAIN EYE-CONTACT. I can’t stress this enough. No one can hear you on a busy street (especially from their car) if you’re talking away from them.

Walking my dog has enabled me to become better at giving directions. I have actually been asked twice now where a certain dance studio is in our neighborhood, and I would never have known its location if I didn’t walk by it nearly every day. In fact, it is this walking around that enables me to even be outside to help people.

I was once walking my dog and some children at the school near my house lost a football over the fence. It rolled into the street, where a car grazed it. The ball was sent under a parked car near where I stood, across the street from the playground. I managed to lay down flat and reach the ball under the car to return it to them. In a similar vein, I saw a man across an intersection drop his sunglasses, so I went to pick them up, ran after him, and returned them.

My final act as a superhero was actually one of the first I performed. I found a set of keys while walking my dog, and it had a keyless entry clicker. So, I walked around clicking it, looking for the car. When I found it (a silver Matrix), I wrote a note with my phone number and placed it under the car’s wipers. We met up and they got their keys back. The man was an old, gray-haired fellow who said he worked in psychology. He had no questions for me about why I returned them, maybe because he lived in a time when this was expected behavior.

Which makes me wonder: is there really anything good about acting this way? Is this what being a “superhero” is about? Isn’t this just the way we should be expected to act? Have our expectations dropped so far that common courtesy is a rare virtue? I hope not.

Last Scattered Thoughts (For A While)

Perhaps religion persists through each member’s shared desire to feel whatever everyone else claims to feel. Perhaps it is through Stockholm Syndrome.

Enthusiomosis – excitement that permeates to others

If every banker, lawyer, and preacher was thrown into the Grand Canyon, it would still not be filled, but the world would be infinitely happier for it.

Speak the truth quietly, or be prepared for the consequences.

History has taught me that we do not learn from history.

I hate flattery, and have successfully avoided it by remaining completely unimportant.

Having to listen to someone ramble for years on end is usually one of two things. If you get a piece of paper afterwards, it’s called an “education.” If you get a piece of paper before it started, it’s called a “marriage.”

Those afraid of heights should not stand on the shoulders of giants and look down.

Waterboarding: aka “the terrorist baptism”

No hero’s path is easy, but not every difficult path is heroic.

I think a woman coined the term “spooning,” because a man probably would have called it “forking.” It had to be a man who coined “doggy-style,” because most animals do it in that position, yet we chose dogs. Women would have called it something like “kitten-style” or “pony-style.”

The only questions a man ever asks a woman: Are you angry at me? Does that feel good?

Republican chant:
We’re straight
We hate
Get used to it!

It’s funny how the words, “We’re at war,” can negate all logic and wisdom.

Orientated – not the same as oriented. Oriented means “to be directed or instructed,” whereas orientated means “the process of becoming Oriental.” [It actually means “to face east.”]

Religion tells its followers not only what they should do, but also what others ought to be doing. It attempts to infect others, be they family and close friends, or even the entire society.

Philosophers, bioethicists, and priests amuse themselves in debate over genetic engineering as if their noise will slow, or even stop, technological inevitability. However, there is no debate, only a race to perfect and implement it properly. Our moral posturing serves only to determine in which country the advances will be utilized first.

There is an exciting opportunity in genetic engineering to redefine what it means to be human. I am very optimistic about the whole idea, as I see my species as having no place to go but up.

If the path you take is behind a popular master, you will find yourself walking not in his footsteps, but in those of his followers.

Who achieved more: you, a real person who will be forgotten, or Zeus, who is remembered despite never having existed? It’s depressing to think that imaginary characters are the subject of paintings and have statues erected to them, while most of us will be forgotten in just centuries.

Even More Scattered Thoughts

Little known facts about the blogger:
- World-renowned expert on weekends
- Allergic to ignorance
- Passionate supporter of anything with pasta
- Has never eaten horse meat
- Has a deep-rooted fear of long walks on the beach
- Is considered by some indigenous people to bring good luck

This morning, I ate a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream for breakfast. I figured it counts as both a glass of milk and brushing my teeth.

I put great effort into being funny, because funny guys don’t have to learn to dance.

The Joke That Technology Killed: “I hate phone numbers with a lot of 8’s and 9’s. It takes so long to dial them, am I right?” See, cause they actually had these dials… never mind.

Dehydrophobia – the fear of being thirsty

A republican’s idea of choice: heaven or hell.

Claiming a band’s music is good on drugs is like saying someone is attractive if you’re drunk.

Stress is a whetstone: it sharpens those who know how to handle it, and dulls those who don’t.

I can speak to animals, but it turns out to be a useless skill. They’re all compulsive liars.

A kid is like a tattoo: one drunken night, and you’re stuck with it forever.

Our errors never seem so right as when we are blindly defending them. This is why we fools love to bicker.

Christianity’s biggest problem is its simultaneous adherence to two concepts: the golden rule and self-sacrifice. How can you do unto others as you would have done unto you if you’re also willing to sacrifice yourself? It is merely a complex scheme of justifying the sacrifice of others. Those who deny themselves of certain rights and pleasures think nothing of denying it for others.

Liars trust no one, and thieves always lock their doors.

A kind man changes himself to better suit the world; a jerk changes the world to better suit himself. This is why the world is run by jerks.

The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. Hate is the product of ignorance, confusion, and frustration; its opposite is enlightened patience.

Some would have you believe that you can only be moral if you are also noticeably miserable.

I have seen hell. It is a mall, and it is always Christmas Eve.

If you envision wisdom to be an opiate that makes life bearable, give up books and start drugging yourself now.

Scientists are wrong quite often; priests, always.

More Scattered Thoughts

Does breakfast the next morning count as a second date?

Every event has a cause; some have a reason; very few have a purpose.

How do the elderly have the balls to criticize modern music when oldies such as “Sixteen Candles” and “Sweet Little Sixteen” are overtly pedophilic? And just what is the Beach Boy’s song “Two Girls for Every Boy” trying to say: California is for threesomes, or in California you can treat your girlfriend like crap because you can replace her? That generation thinks it has a right to censor us, but in the poignant vernacular of my generation, all I have to say is “Move, bitch, get out da way!”

If you’d die for atheism, you missed the point.

Children’s book idea: “Everybody Screws.”

“Bottom line” sounds like a euphemism for “asscrack.”

My kids will be half Jewish, but I hear they round up.

Jesus may have been able to turn water into wine, but I can turn water into tea OR hot chocolate.

I’m thinking of getting into real estate. Not in the traditional sense. Are you familiar with “squatter’s rights?”

I yearn to work in a factory while machines take orders from customers. There is far more satisfaction from making something than from having to deal with jackasses all day. We gave the wrong jobs to the machines.

I sometimes break the monotony of my day by being friendly. It really throws people off.

Viagra is a pretty popular commercial these days. So is that other stuff that you don’t need a prescription for… what’s it called… oh yeah, Girls Gone Wild.

Science becomes religion when theories outpace experimentation and data.

Bad drug combos
- Acid and pot: you risk having a life changing experience and forgetting it.
- Sleeping pills and laxatives: obvious
- Cocaine and Dave Matthew Band: recipe for instant douchebag
- This one is more of an equation: Alcohol + Ex = Abortion

I’m not gay, but Jesus is hot. He has a wicked six-pack. I’d nail him… wait, that came out wrong.

I owe my wonderful education to my luck of having horrible teachers who encouraged me to ignore school.

Dogs lick everything: your face, trash, their own ass, though usually in reverse order.

We should be able to sue MTV for false advertising. Change your name or change your programming. Can you imagine walking into Pizza Hut and trying to order pizza, and they tell you “Sorry, we sell electronics. If you want pizza, go to Bed, Bath and Beyond.”

The term “sixty-nine” doesn’t seem anatomically correct to me. Sure, two gay guys can do 69, but wouldn’t a guy and girl be 68? Lesbians would do 88. I dunno, maybe I’m picturing the numbers wrong. I don’t remember math being this fun in school.

Scattered Thoughts

I have some random, disparate ideas I have been pondering for a while. Some are open questions, some are statements of observation, some are meant to be funny, some are meant to sound pseudo-wise. I just want to get them off my chest.

I have yet to hear anyone define the words "good" or "bad" to my satisfaction, yet is doesn't seem to stop any of us from frequently using them with mutual understanding.

American politics are to democracy what professional wrestling is to sports: a lot of talk, very little action, and completely rigged.

Politicians on both sides go on and on about "family values," when what they really support is childhood naivete. The family isn't just children, it's also young and fully grown adults.

GOP: Gang Of Puritans, Gadflies Of Progress, Greed Over Prosperity, Gamble Our Pensions, Gag Order Politics, Greasey Old Perverts

It is strange to me that those who speak of "destroying the self" spend so much time alone in their own thoughts, "meditating."

Why do we only consider a man sane when he remains part of an insane system?

I think medical science is a rodent conspiracy. We have treatments for every disease that could ever be contracted by rats and mice.

If over half the population was depressed, would they diagnose happiness as a disorder? I'm sure they would if they found a pill that prevented it. What would they call it? Miserol? No, you need letters from the end of the alphabet for new medication... something like Sadizine or Depressix.

I don't know which teaches you more: words of wisdom or the follies of fools. I do know which is more entertaining.

My wedding went off without a hitch, although we got hitched.

Maybe everything has to die to ensure that nothing awful remains forever.

If I had followed half of the advice I've given, I'd be twice the man I am today.

Regarding God's omnipotence, I do know this: the Christian God DOES have limits. He failed and had to flood the world once, and Jesus was frequently frustrated by people's lack of comprehension. If there's one thing out of God's control, it's clearly us... and He can't believe how stupid we are.

Republicans know that once they can marry the same sex, they are one step closer to their darkest fantasy: marrying their pet. Sick people.

If someone asks you if you're wearing boxers or briefs, and you're going commando, they don't try to argue that being underwearless is a style of underwear. So why do people think atheism is a religion?

I know Jesus loves me, but I think He's rushing things. I barely know Him, I mean He hasn't even friended me on Facebook. In fact, I never even thought of Him as anything more than a fuck buddy. It's not Him, it's me. I just think we should see other deities.

Christians only talk about being like Jesus. If they actually did act like him, they might not be so annoying, and the world would be a better place. Just imagine, every Christian hanging on a cross... truly heaven on Earth.

It is time for white people to take some heat. We've been on the top shelf so long we're not even good anymore. No one likes stale crackers.

A Chain Of Violence

The lengths people will go to in order to prove a point has never ceased to amaze me, though it's no longer surprising. We have become a culture of social digression; the same things happen over and over, until we no longer take notice and they seem normal.

Dozens of husbands kill their families and then turn the gun on themselves. The predatory practices of lending institutions drive thousands into debt and homelessness. Our healthcare industry is the most profitable in the world, yet only third world nations have higher infant mortality and lower life expectancy than the US.

Now, another "pro-life" nut job killed an abortion doctor. The term "pro-life" has completely lost any semblance of relevance in the current political climate, as voting Republican means you support capital punishment. Apparently, it also means being able to kill people who disagree with you.

This is what is wrong at the core of all religious belief. Religion masquerades as morality, but it has nothing to do with making someone a better (or worse) person. Instead, it is a façade put on by most to appear acceptable, despite the complete lack of any implications. Religion didn't make this murderer kill a doctor, but it clearly didn't stop him. It seems to me that we would have the same results without any faith at all... assuming he had such a violently strong emotional attachment to his issue in the absence of religion.

In the end, the only way to end any of this is to stop reacting. Our reactionary tactics of answering violence with more violence, often in escalation, is unacceptable. We can see it in the way we wage war. We can see it in the way police handle their suspects. We can see it in our attitude towards anyone we deem "other."

I hope the man who killed that doctor receives the help he deserves. Simply executing him (or even throwing him in jail) is not going to help anyone. Dr. Tiller won't be brought back by any action taken against his killer. Maybe, with a little effort, the one who killed him may be shown the full extent of what he's done and be allowed to speak out against it. However, I doubt our society has the guts to try.

At some point, someone has to be the weak link in the chain of violence that keeps us tethered to our ignorance.