Thursday, June 4, 2009

More Scattered Thoughts

Does breakfast the next morning count as a second date?

Every event has a cause; some have a reason; very few have a purpose.

How do the elderly have the balls to criticize modern music when oldies such as “Sixteen Candles” and “Sweet Little Sixteen” are overtly pedophilic? And just what is the Beach Boy’s song “Two Girls for Every Boy” trying to say: California is for threesomes, or in California you can treat your girlfriend like crap because you can replace her? That generation thinks it has a right to censor us, but in the poignant vernacular of my generation, all I have to say is “Move, bitch, get out da way!

If you’d die for atheism, you missed the point.

Children’s book idea: “Everybody Screws.”

“Bottom line” sounds like a euphemism for “asscrack.”

My kids will be half Jewish, but I hear they round up.

Jesus may have been able to turn water into wine, but I can turn water into tea OR hot chocolate.

I’m thinking of getting into real estate. Not in the traditional sense. Are you familiar with “squatter’s rights?”

I yearn to work in a factory while machines take orders from customers. There is far more satisfaction from making something than from having to deal with jackasses all day. We gave the wrong jobs to the machines.

I sometimes break the monotony of my day by being friendly. It really throws people off.

Viagra is a pretty popular commercial these days. So is that other stuff that you don’t need a prescription for… what’s it called… oh yeah, Girls Gone Wild.

Science becomes religion when theories outpace experimentation and data.

Bad drug combos
- Acid and pot: you risk having a life changing experience and forgetting it.
- Sleeping pills and laxatives: obvious
- Cocaine and Dave Matthew Band: recipe for instant douchebag
- This one is more of an equation: Alcohol + Ex = Abortion

I’m not gay, but Jesus is hot. He has a wicked six-pack. I’d nail him… wait, that came out wrong.

I owe my wonderful education to my luck of having horrible teachers who encouraged me to ignore school.

Dogs lick everything: your face, trash, their own ass, though usually in reverse order.

We should be able to sue MTV for false advertising. Change your name or change your programming. Can you imagine walking into Pizza Hut and trying to order pizza, and they tell you “Sorry, we sell electronics. If you want pizza, go to Bed, Bath and Beyond.”

The term “sixty-nine” doesn’t seem anatomically correct to me. Sure, two gay guys can do 69, but wouldn’t a guy and girl be 68? Lesbians would do 88. I dunno, maybe I’m picturing the numbers wrong. I don’t remember math being this fun in school.


  1. that was laugh out loud funny!

    you hear some of that from somewhere, or did you think all of that up on your own?

    you ever try stand up?

  2. I hope I thought it up on my own. I wouldn't be surprised if I "borrowed" (see also: stole) something accidentally, but I haven't set out to copy anything I heard or read before.

    I'm not much of a public speaker. Writing is very appealing to me because it is largely a one-way form of communication. Blogging almost bridges the gap, but it allows me to respond at my own pace.

    I don't think I can handle the give-take stage relationship of a comedian and the audience. Ask my wife how pissed off I get when I bomb at home... I can't imagine on stage. My spur-of-the-moment response would probably be to accuse their mother of interspecies promiscuity.


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