The Resume I Wish I Could Submit

Forgive the formatting, I have no desire to make it all line up the way it ought to. You'll get the general idea.

Bret Alan

Contact Info: [As If You’ll Ever Call or Email Me Back]

What You Want To Hear:

• Demonstrated brown-noser with exceptional knowledge of when to say nothing, when to agree, and when to shamelessly take the blame.
• Strong background in faking it, combined with fluency in several languages, including Advanced Level Bullshitting and certification in corporate double-talk.
• Like most members of my species, I am skilled at learning new concepts quickly and I possess all the necessary tools (tongue, lungs, voice box, etc) to communicate ideas clearly and effectively.
• Extensive computer training, including knowledge of how to quickly alt+tab so you won’t see me browsing the internet at work.

Education: BS in… what does it matter, the BS says it all.

Professional History:

Writing Tutor, The College At Which I Earned My Degree: 2007-present

• Worked directly under several of the top intolerable douchebags in my field, taking flack for things I had nothing to do with and assuming responsibility for even when my multiple bosses instructed me to act improperly.
• Researched thousands of news articles which had no bearing whatsoever to my job, but kept me looking busy.
• Wasted hundreds of paid hours copying, collating, and filing forms in triplicate that will never be looked at by anyone again, ever.
• Listened to ESL (and sometimes even native English speaking) students struggle to read a paper they copy-and-pasted from an essay-writing service the night before.

IT Technician, The Company My Dad Works For: hurray nepotism

• Sat dutifully for hours on end playing flash games while waiting for calls from people who can’t figure out why their computer won’t work, when in fact their monitor had been unplugged by the maintenance people the night before.
• Served as interpreter and translator for stupid corporate policies, including the pathetic attempt to prevent the morons they hire from downloading viruses by restricting everyone’s computer use to the point of not being able to even open their mail.
• Initiated multiple practical jokes using the security software that allowed us to control a person’s computer remotely.
• Designed and constructed a fully-fuctional crossbow from common, everyday office supplies.

I wonder why I'm unemployed...