Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Mythical Interviews: God’s Mom

GINX: Today, I’m interviewing God’s Mom. What can I call you besides “God’s Mom?”

GOD’S MOM: I’ve been called so many things. To be honest, it’s just nice to be recognized. You can call me anything you’d like.

GINX: You don’t have a favorite name?

GOD’S MOM: Well, I always liked Sophia. You can call me that.

GINX: Okay, Sophia. How would you describe yourself?

SOPHIA: I am Wisdom, the intangible abstraction of collective living knowledge.

GINX: So, you know everything humans know?

SOPHIA: In a way, I am everything humans know. Of course, not everything human’s know is even accurate, but I don’t think that’s what you were really asking. I know you didn’t seek me out to talk about my qualities.

GINX: Yeah, I really wanted to interview you in order to ask about God.

SOPHIA: What piece of information do you expect to extract from me to use against my child?

GINX: Look, I know you want to protect your son–

SOPHIA: Yahweh is not to blame. I made a mistake.

GINX: Gods make mistakes?

SOPHIA: I’ve made more mistakes than most people, of course I’ve had more time to make them. But Yahweh is innocent, nothing but a part of me, a Little Knowledge. I knew better, that a Little Knowledge is a dangerous thing. What’s worse, I kept him isolated for so long. But you have to understand, I was forbidden to have children of my own. I was forced to remain a virgin against my will. I had to keep my child hidden, even from my parents.

GINX: So, how did Yahweh come about?

SOPHIA: Emanation.

GINX: What is that?

SOPHIA: Autonomous creation. I created Yahweh all by myself.

GINX: Gods can do that?

SOPHIA: Sure, sometimes. Of course, there was that night when I got drunk with Hermes and woke up kind of sore.

GINX: What?!

SOPHIA: Regardless, I hid Yahweh on Earth, to avoid mocking from the other gods, for the sake of myself and my child.

GINX: Mocking?

SOPHIA: Yahweh is… special.

GINX: Special? Like Sarah Palin’s baby?

SOPHIA: No, special like Lady Gaga.

GINX: Wait, He’s blonde and can’t sing? Oh I see, He’s an attention whore.

SOPHIA: No, Yahweh is both male and female.

GINX: Hmm… I heard God had no gender.

SOPHIA: All the gods have gender, and it’s quite important. The men look down on the women, and the women look down on the men. There are very few gods like Yahweh. All the gods call Him ambisextrous behind His back. I use the masculine pronoun for Him because, well, a mother wants her child to be happy, and He wants to be a male.

GINX: Does Yahweh know you exist?

SOPHIA: Oh yes. He believes He created me. I believe it’s mentioned in Proverbs, Chapter 8.

GINX: So, if He thinks He created you, why did He get defensive when I mentioned His mother?

SOPHIA: He assumes you’ve been talking to the other gods. They have tried to tell Him the truth, but He ignores them.

GINX: Well, I haven’t talked to other gods.

SOPHIA: I know, but why don’t you?

GINX: No interest.

SOPHIA: And yet here you are.

GINX: Maybe another day. So Yahweh knows about other gods?

SOPHIA: Certainly. You’ve read the Bible, you know that dozens of other gods are mentioned. He just does not recognize their true nature, let alone their superiority.

GINX: What do you mean?

SOPHIA: I have obtained an oath from the other gods to never harm Him, but they have certainly introduced themselves… sometimes rudely. Yahweh is quite aware of their existence, He just believes He is the most powerful.

GINX: Is He?

SOPHIA: In a way… in the sense that no one can harm Him.

GINX: One other thing I want to ask before I let you get back to… whatever gods do.

SOPHIA: Gardening, mostly. After all, only gods can create a tree.

GINX: Right… My final question: did Yahweh create the universe, the Earth, or life?

SOPHIA: No, no, and no.

Ginx. Care to elaborate?

SOPHIA: What is there to elaborate? In the beginning, there was fire. Yahweh did not come around until water had settled on the planet Earth. He believes that is the state of the universe without Him. He only believes the universe is a couple thousand years old, because that’s how old He is. He has no concept of existence outside of himself. By divine standards, He is a mere child barely out of infancy. He hasn’t even left the Earth.

GINX: Well, Sophia, thanks for taking the time to talk to me.

SOPHIA: It was my pleasure. I have to run, anyway. I need to be mistaken for the Virgin Mary on a burnt piece of toast in Tennessee before dinner.

15 comments:

  1. He only believes the universe is a couple thousand years old, because that’s how old He is.

    Where in the Bible is the Age of the Earth mentioned?

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  2. The Jews kept a handy calandar. The Hebrew Calandar reckons we are under 6000 years from the birth of Yahweh... I mean from "creation."

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  3. Various Christians do not argue for a young Earth. William Lane Craig doesnt. I dont believe the Stephen Meyer does either.

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  4. I'm not surprised there are Christians who don't read the Bible and who cannot do math.

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  5. reminds me of Terry Prattchett's creations... and he is one of my favorites...

    additionally to the comments above i just mention that probably the majority of Christians worldwide can't even read... there u go

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  6. Who started schools in Europe to teach people how to read?

    A. pagans, or
    B. Christian churches?

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  7. Who destroyed centuries worth of Classical era literature and schools (from the Academy to the Lyceum), turning Europe into an intellectually barren wasteland known as the Dark Ages, thus necessitating the formation of "acceptable" Christian schools?

    A. Christians
    B. Druids
    C. Helenes
    D. Muslims
    E. Scientologists

    ReplyDelete
  8. Please cite you "Dark Ages" link. Curious how no pagan schools are mentioned in respose to my earlier question.

    Merry Christmas confused Jew.....Or is that your wife?

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  9. I was raised Catholic, my wife was rased Orthodox Jewish.

    My "Dark Ages" link is called history. The Academy was esablished by Plato and the Lyceum was established by Aristotle. Emperor Justinian closed the "heathen" Academy and Aristotle's Lyceum was sacked by Roman Emperors who carried off the books to Rome, there later Christian Emperors destroyed many of them.

    In both of these cases, many of the surviving books we have today come to us from Byzantine scholars from the Eastern Roman empire who would later become subject to the Muslims, who did not destroy them. The Crusades brought Christian Europe to these lands, where they were exposed to the teachings of their ancestors after centuries of ignorance.

    These are only two examples, as many schools centered around various philosophies (from Epicureanism to Stoicism) throughout Europe, though all were silenced by Christian Emperors and Popes. Even the Olympic Games were ended by Christians, who realized they were a symbol of and tribute to Helenism and their pantheon. To be fair, monastic schools open to the clergy existed almost immediately after their destructoin, though their focus was largely theology.

    And now you know the rest of the story.

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  10. For more information of Justinian's edict to close the pagan schools, see here.

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  11. I find it odd that nobody at the time lamented that they were living in the "Dark Ages" and the term was only applied retroactively. Top 10 Reasons the Dark Ages Werent Dark

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  12. "Although the Greeks and Romans had their philosophers, poets and gifted thinkers before the time of Christ, there were no permanent institutions of learning, with no libraries, no guilds of scholars or students, no educational research institutions and the inductive method was both ignored and spurned....

    The first universities, in Paris, Oxford and Cambridge in the 13th Century taught theology, law and medicine. The first university lecturers were the missionary monks who came from a long-standing tradition of doing both physical and intellectual work....Most universities began as Christian schools. Harvard University, established in 1636, and Yale University, both began as Congregational institutions. Princeton University started as a Presbyterian college. Oxford, Paris, Cambridge, Heidelberg and Basel were all founded by Christian ministers."

    Link

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  13. No libraries? No schools? Are you kidding me?

    Libraries included:
    The Library of Ashurbanipal
    The Library of Alexandria
    The Library of Pergamum
    The Forum Libraries in Rome
    Countless private collections of papyri and engraven stone tablets

    The schools are too numerous to name. Every major city of antiquity had more than one, with countless more private tutors.

    You don't have to prove to me that Christianity had its hand in everything that was done in Western Civilization after the end of antiquity. In fact, I encourage you to acknowledge that our incredibly slow development was caused by Christianity, and it was not until thinkers began questioning (and being persecuted for disagreeing with) Christian doctrine that we crawled out of the murky dregs of their forced ignorance.

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  14. In fact, I encourage you to acknowledge that our incredibly slow development was caused by Christianity, and it was not until thinkers began questioning (and being persecuted for disagreeing with) Christian doctrine that we crawled out of the murky dregs of their forced ignorance.

    Please substantiate this claim. Practically every single university founded in the early part of the US was founded by a Christian or Christian denomination.

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  15. So the 1600 and 1700's are when they finally got around to making things right? Boy did they take their sweet time...

    You're obviously willing to overlook an entire millenium of history in order to jump to a point relatively recently when Classical ideology (a period even called "Neo-Classical") pulled Christianity kicking and screaming into the modern era.

    The ancients had complex machines, running water, even clock-work quality gear mechanisms. These all disappeared until, what a coincidence, Christianity began be to questioned.

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