Saturday, December 26, 2009

"Not Worth The Wait"

One story over this holiday break actually made me burst out laughing.

Kevin Jonas (who is apparently "the ugly one" in the popular boy-band "The Jonas Brothers") got married recently. One of the main themes of this band is their Christian faith and the fact that all three sport "Promise Rings," which are a symbol of one's intention to wait until marriage to have sex.

So, now that Kevin's cherry is finally popped (at the ripe old age of 22), what does he have to say about sex? "To be honest about it, sex was not worth the wait."

I'm not sure which surprised me more: the fact that Kevin actually said this publicly or the fact that Kevin remained a virgin until marriage. For one thing, every single person I have ever known who wore a promise ring had sex before marriage. Every. Single. One. And I went to a Catholic high school, so I knew quite a few. I even banged two myself, though neither was a virgin by the time I got to them. [What's this odd rash...]

So let's assume, against all odds, that Kevin was actually a virgin. How do two virgins even have sex? There he is, on his wedding night, clumsily fumbling with his new bride's bra... "Here, let me do it," she says. He sees his wife's tits for the first time and...

Am I the only one who questions if perhaps Kevin is still technically a virgin? Is a 22 year old, who has never had sex and has been sexually wound up since the age of 13, even capable of lasting to the point of insertion? That might explain the lack of enthusiasm, because I know sex is fucking awesome not only at first, but even over a decade later (and here's hoping that never changes).

After losing your virginity, one does not generally have such a blase attitude about the whole thing. Most people (guys, anyway) want to scream it from the mountain tops, "I HAD SEX!!!" The candid nature of his comment almost makes me believe his sincerity, because I was apt to assume these guys were banging under-age fans night after night. Apparently not.

And how must his wife feel? I can't imagine she'll be pleased to read this in the paper, nor will Kevin's fellow brothers in abstinence, nor will Disney (the production company who owns them and their giant blue testicles).

Kevin Jonas, for honestly telling the world that sex isn't worth the wait, I salute you. It takes a lot of balls to stand up and say you were wrong, and I hope the divorce leaves you with enough money to continue living comfortably.


  1. He probably doesn't even like girls!

  2. Now that would be the shocker: if a member of a Christian band came out of the closet.


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