Tuesday, March 9, 2010

The End of an Era

I’ve decided to end the series now that I’ve come to the 100th “Funny Bible Quote” (though with the unnumbered Christmas quote, it comes to 101). Some were indeed funny, others were just stupid or offensive or ridiculous. Hopefully everyone reading my blog learned something about the Bible and the prejudiced, bronze age fools who composed it.

I can’t begin it just yet, but I may start a “Funny Quran Quote” segment. You see, I found a site called YourMuslimNeighbor.com which allows you to fill out a quick online form and receive a free Quran in the mail. So, if you really like holy documents being taken out of context, stay tuned!


  1. Dear Ginx,

    Unlike either the Hebrew or Christian bible, the Koran is believed to be the VERY WORDS OF GOD. Allah, in case you did not know, speaks Arabic. The very word Koran means the "recitation." Mohammed was simply a conduit for the actual WORDS of Allah.

    "The Qur’an (Koran) is the sacred book of Islam. Muslims believe that the Qur’an is literally the Word of Allah, just as the Bible is literally the Word of God to a devout fundamentalist Christian."

    Despite what the author of the above quote asserts, Judaism and Christianity have never made such claims that the Bible is "literally" true as the ACTUAL WORDS of GOD. Never. The Judeo-Christian texts are very human works, crafted in diversity, consisting of experiences shared through millennia. The Koran, well, you decide. But even the above quote is suspect, as it compares what Muslims -- all Muslims -- believe, with that belief held by a tiny portion of Christians -- fundamentalists.

  2. Random Commenter3/09/2010 4:20 PM

    Bill has a point, you know. Be sure you have safety before you start. You may offend the wrong people. But then again, I would enjoy this section to see what Allah has to say.

  3. "Unlike either the Hebrew or Christian bible, the Koran is believed to be the VERY WORDS OF GOD."

    Only in the original Arabic, however. All translations into other languages are considered by Muslims to be only "interpretations" of the Koran, not the Koran itself.

  4. Bill, I respect your personal assertion, but I can point out several people's blogs right now who believe the Bible is the unerring Word of God itself. I agree that it is not standard Christian practice to view the Bible in this light, but there are plenty of Christians who do (and it is certainly more common for them to feel this for the New Testament works). On the other side, there are Jews who believe the Hebrew Bible is equally auspicious (to some degree), and they also share a language fetish that both you and SE have pointed out exists in Islam.

    Muslims shouldn't fuck with atheists. I have no qualms with digging up their ancestors and reburying them with several pounds of pork, so bring it on. I look forward to having stones thrown at me by people who live in glass houses.

  5. If you ask ANY Christian, right now, ANYWHERE -- and they can't be some anonymous blogger -- whether they believe the Bible is the ACTUAL word of God OR Jesus Christ is the ACTUAL Word of God, not one will answer: the Bible is the complete and total and literal word of God. They will answer that Jesus is the Word of God. Unless these folks do not know their own Bibles -- and, sadly, some don't -- they should know the New Testament avers Jesus Christ is the ACTUAL word of God; no other answer can be seriously given to the question. And the layout (over centuries) of the Bible, and the diversity of its origins (how many total authors?), precludes anyone from seriously arguing that the Bible says of itself what the Koran says of itself.

    I did not REALLY write what I did to warn you, though the thought did cross my mind. I imagine if you are just quoting the Koran no one will seriously mind. If, however, you were to present it in a blasphemous way -- abusing it somehow -- then you might attract attention.

    Good luck.

  6. If you ask ANY Christian, right now, ANYWHERE -- and they can't be some anonymous blogger -- whether they believe the Bible is the ACTUAL word of God

    There are plenty of Fundamentalists that DO believe it.

    David J. Stewart is one:

    "The bottom line is that you CANNOT be saved without the Word of God for it is the very seed which brings new life into your heart. If you refuse to accept the Bible as God’s Word, then you are well nigh hopeless my friend. I have witnessed to many people who say they do NOT recognize the Bible as God’s Word."-Salvation and the Word Of God

    Yes, he also believes Jesus is the "Word of God", but that the Bible is also the written Word of God.

    As Stewart says; "God is the Author of the Bible, not man."

  7. Bill, I've talked to people in person who say that. I'm glad you live such an insulated life. Try growing up in Indiana and getting things thrown at you for not believing in God. Take your liberal, bullshit misinterpretation of the Bible and enjoy living like a civil person, but don't lecture me on reality from inside your bubble.

  8. SE and Ginx,

    Seriously, you have to do better than that. No fundamentalist in any Christian sect believes that the Bible is the result of dictation; Muslims believe the Koran is exactly that. Moreover, no Christian fundie believes that God speaks Hebrew, or Aramaic or Greek; that these are the divine language.

    If I had two seconds with Mr. Stewart, he would concede that he does NOT mean what he sounds like he means. Of course, I could find him an intransigent crank who can't admit he's prone to hyperbole. That's always possible, but that's a defect of psychology and not theology.

    Lastly, within Christendom, and Christian history, such folks who do have a hyper-inflated view of the Bible are exceedingly rare.

    But thank you for showing me that there are exceptions to my rule.

    Oh, and Ginx: I guarantee you I know the type of bubble you claim to have been raised in as well, if not better, than you.

    Indiana, eh? Interesting.

    Oops. Before I forget. Why do so many writers who think like you guys always over-generalize about Christianity, applying essentially the eccentric exception -- fundamentalism -- to the historic orthodoxy maintained by the dominant, and oldest, repository of that orthodoxy, the Roman Catholic Church? Why do former Protestants who've become atheists nearly always act like their experience of Christianity, and their understanding of that faith, is always absolute and normative? It really bemuses me.


  9. No fundamentalist in any Christian sect believes that the Bible is the result of dictation

    Bill, the point is that many (if not all) of those we could label "fundamentalists" believe that the Bible authors were so inspired in the sense that whatever the final product their individual writing produced, the end result is the Word of God, and that that means, need I repeat it again, that God is the real behind the scenes author of every word in Scripture.

    No, Christianity is not monolithic, but remember that as far as Protestants are concerned, what evolved over centuries into the official Roman Catholic Church was a corruption of original Christianity, which is what each of the various Protestant sects have "restored".

    Really there is no single "Christianity" anyway. It exists in each individual Christians mind and differs even between members of the same church or denomination. That's because "God" "Jesus" and "Christianity" do not correspond to any objective reality.

  10. By the way, Bill, I was born into the Roman Catholic faith and both my parents were raised Catholic. Later, my Dad, under the influence of his brother, became a born again pentecostal Christian (though my uncle later became an evangelical Calvinist-and is to this day, as far as I know) and so I was exposed to both versions of Christianity, eventually becoming "born again" myself.

    I guess that makes me both a former Roman Catholic and a former Protestant.

  11. Most people don't even bother picking on the Catholic Church anymore because just saying "Catholic priest" is enough. It is also largely evangelicals in the US who quite frankly ruin things for the rest of us (Christian, atheist, or otherwise).

  12. I am part way reading through your funny bible quotes. It was a great idea. Hope you do the same for the Koran. Perhaps you already are aware of this website but it may assist you.

    Skeptics Annotated Quran

    After you exhaust that I suggest funny quotes from the Book of Mormon.

    I am a former SDA and there are words of God in the Bible. The 10 commandments were written with the finger of God and the words of Jesus are conveniently highlighted in red in some Bibles. God does speak and his words are written down throughout the Bible.

    While the other text were written by men they were regarded as having the same import. Every word was inspired by God which means he used the author as a hand puppet. All of it is the inerrant word of God.

  13. I might consider the Book of Mormon, but I found it a horrible read the one time I got through it. I also think it would be too easy; it's a pretty ridiculous gospel. I could have come up with 100 funny Bible quotes from Revelations alone, but I tried to limit it to just a couple. I like a challenge. So why I chose the Quran next, I have no clue... I guess I just think death threats are a religious person's way of admitting I'm right.

    As for there literally being the words of God in the Bible... I am as unimpressed by that work as the rest of His creation, so I suppose it's feasible.

  14. Yeah for a perfect God he has a serious quality control problem.


If your comment is too long, break it into multiple comments and post them all.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...