Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Exposing Christian Nuts

Truth is important, so I feel it’s my duty to point out a major fallacy in people’s perception of the crucifixion of Jesus.

No, not the tired old point about nails in hands never being able to support someone. Everyone knows that “hands” anatomically included wrists during Jesus’ time and that Romans crucified people by driving the nails between the radial and ulna bones of the arm, and that later artists just portrayed Jesus with nails in his palms because they didn’t know any better.

Well, everyone knows except the people who claim to get stigmata on their palms

I’m talking about a little matter that Christians have been… covering up for centuries now. News flash: Romans crucified people naked.


Talk about hung on a cross. It even mentions in the Bible that guards gambled for Jesus’ clothes. So why is Jesus always tastefully depicted with a loincloth? Maybe Christians just don’t have the balls to portray full frontal dude-ity in church.

One more naked Jesus for the road…

8 comments:

  1. Well, one could argue that, as with the nails in the palms, people just don't know any better. However, perhaps Christians just want to respect their Lord by not depicting him in such shame.

    Removing someone's clothing and putting them on public display only added to the humiliation and disgrace of being crucified, no doubt, and Christians haven't all been ignorant of that fact. I remember reading the sermons of 19th century Baptist preacher Charles Spurgeon, and in one he mentioned that Jesus was most likely completely naked on the cross.


    Also, good to see that you haven't really left Skeptical Eye. I was worried I wouldn't get my daily anti-anarchy Ginx fix. Thank God...no, make that "Praise Jesus!", for comments.

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  2. The beatings, the crown of thorns, the crucifixion itself... but exposing his genitals, that would be degrading.

    I'm pretty sure Jesus wouldn't want any depiction of the crucifixion. Maybe that's why Jesus isn't coming back. "I know I'm supposed to return, Dad, but look at all those crosses. No fucking way I'm going down there again."

    Do you think people will honor Heath Ledger and Michael Jackson by wearing a metallic pill around their neck?

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  3. Maybe there's just worried that a naked Jesus will turn male parishioners homosexual. Or hint that Jesus was a stripper by choice since he apparently was crucified by choice... LOL!

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  4. He could have made a miraculous pair of underwear appear at any time, but he didn't.

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  5. The complete exposure of the prisoner was actually the least of his degradation. For typically when the Romans racked and suspended the prisoner with nails, they also obscenely sat him down on an impaling stake that pierced the anus. So when the prisoner had to push up to relieve the racking pain in his upper body or the exhaustion and cramping in his legs, he was essentially sodomizing himself. In public. Don't believe me? Google Seneca's Moral Epistle 101:10-14. Google "Puzzuoli Graffiti Alcimilla" and "Vivat Crux Graffito Pompeii." For ancient writings and ancient graffiti do not lie.

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  6. I found another ancient writer! (Actually there are plenty who regarded "crucifixion" as a form of impalement, if you know how and where to look.)

    Porphyry, Against The Christians, Fragment 36 in Marcarius, Apocriticus IV:4

    First three sentences:

    "Let us look at what was said to Paul, "The Lord spoke to Paul in the night by a vision, Be not afraid, but speak, for I am with thee, and no man shall set on thee to hurt thee" (Acts xviii. 9-10). And yet no sooner was he seized in Rome than this fine fellow, who said that we should judge angels, had his head cut off. And Peter again, who received authority to feed the lambs, was nailed to a cross and impaled on it."

    Link: http://www.ccel.org/ccel/pearse/morefathers/files/porphyry_against_christians_02_fragments.htm

    Small wonder then, that after Constantine de facto discontinued "crucifixion," the Christians exchanged the execution rack that impaled the nailed-up prisoner for a tropaeum (cross of victory, votive cross).

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  7. Jesus has a relatively small penis.
    Seeing as how he was perfect and all, this is good news for guys like me ;-)

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