Friday, November 5, 2010

A Sticky Situation

This is one of those posts I make when I think, “I have too many people following me. How can I offend a couple?” But before you stop reading now, there’s an important lesson at the end of this post, so if you’re easily offended, skip to the bolded statement at the bottom of the post, then stop reading my blog.

Warning over, diving in head first.

A new Facebook group has arisen with the sole goal of offending Muslims: International Day of Masturbation on the Quran. What day is it? Well, if you know anything about masturbation, you’d know it must be every day.

But wait, there’s more. The group is actively seeking pictures of… the results. They are planning to post them, and it seems too new to have posted any yet (which is odd, because I imagine it shouldn’t take more than five minutes… performance anxiety?).

The group is likely only a few days old, and yet many sites are saying how awful this is. There are Muslims upset, Christians upset, even atheists upset. I guess atheists are still under the ridiculous notion that they can gain acceptance if they act like believers (i.e. pretending blasphemy is a crime).

Unless you believe that you will go to hell for doing it, there’s no reason to oppose someone’s decision to do this. Zero. None. Is it gross? Perhaps, though I could find a hundred things on the internet that are more disgusting, and I could come up with lots of even more disgusting ways to desecrate the Muslim holy book (think “two girls, one Koran”).

Maybe this iconoclasm doesn’t bother me because I honestly keep my Quran in the bathroom. No joke. Here’s a completely unprepared picture of my Quran on the shitter.

Maybe the fact that I’ve read this piece of garbage is what makes me think desecrating it is such a great idea. Page after page about how I should die, how I’m going to burn in hell, and how crazy assholes will live in gardens near streams of honey for eternity. About the only thing I would oppose you using your Koran for is beating a Muslim to death. That’s overdoing it. At least be civilized and use missiles and tanks… right?

I oppose the interventionist wars in the Middle East. I’m glad most Muslims live peacefully side by side with Americans. I used to live in a heavily Muslim area of Philadelphia. I can safely say I am not Islamaphobic, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be hostile towards the religion of Islam.

It is not ignorance that drives some people’s dislike for Islam; sometimes it is intimate knowledge. In fact, the more I learn about Islam, the more disgusted by it I am. You might almost say I find Islam as offensive as the people who oppose people masturbating on the Koran.

Ultimately, if you don’t want people doing something, don’t become part of a vast network of people advertising it for free in the vain attempt of condemning it. By complaining about what a few weirdos do, you empower them. To be honest, they do appreciate you doing it. Companies pay millions for publicity, while uptight prudes do it for people they hate, free of charge.

So quit publicizing these extremist groups by condemning them for publicizing other extremist groups by purposely trying to upset them. In the end, the only people who win when this is done are extremists of every stripe, and it’s thanks only to moderates.

Oh how we extremists love sensationalism…


  1. I remember reading the Qu'ran and at the time didn't find it as offensive as you do.

    But really, it's just a bad fucking idea. There are something like 1.5 billion Muslims, the majority of whom are basically just people like every other person. Just want to be happy. Just want a decent world for their children. And there was once a time when Islamic culture was scientifically advanced and the most tolerant around. The point I'm making is that there is a lot of douchebaggery in this world. There are a lot of people who just want to impose their will on others or find a reason to make some group an out-group. But we're all just fucking human beings. And we all just want to be happy. And until we learn to respect each other, and learn to talk to each other.... it's the same old brown-eyes/blue-eyes shit (google it, good documentary if you are into social psych and that stuff).

    Sorry. I'm still going to read your blog. And I'm all for satire, at least for the most part. But I just can't see how something like jizzing on someone else's holy book is going to do anything good for the world, or for anybody. What in the Qu'ran do you find so offensive? Just wondering. There are a few verses that taken out of context seem pretty bloody.... until the context is put in. I haven't read it in a while.... but I don't remember anything terribly awful in it.

  2. “Permission (to fight) is given to those on whom war is made, because they are oppressed. And Allah is able to assist them — those who are driven from their homes without a just cause except that they say: Our Lord is Allah.” (22:39-40)

    “And fight in the way of Allah against those who fight against you, but be not aggressive. Surely Allah loves not the aggressors.” (2:190)

    “And if they incline to peace, you must also incline to it, and trust in Allah.” (8:61)

    “If anyone of the idolaters seek your protection, protect him till he hears the word of Allah, then convey him to his place of safety." (9:6).

    “If they accept Islam, then indeed they follow the right way; and if they turn back, your duty (O Prophet) is only to deliver the message.” (3:20)

    “Beware! Whoever is cruel and hard on a non-Muslim minority, or curtails their rights, or burdens them with more than they can bear, or takes anything from them against their free will; I (Prophet Muhammad) will complain against the person on the Day of Judgment.”

    "He who believes in God and the Last Day should honour his guest, should not harm his neighbour, should speak good or keep quiet."

    "Whoever hurts a Non-Muslim citizen of a Muslim state hurts me, and he who hurts me annoys God."


    Islamic terrorism is political. As far as I understand Islamic doctrine, and I am no imam, the only time violence is allowed is in self-defense.... and civilians are not allowed to be targeted.

  3. I will read this tomorrow just putting it up here so I will remember....

  4. Do me a favor, Sam. Take a Quran and flip to a random page. See how long you can read before you come to a point where it declares death or eternal damnation for a non-believer. It's usually not more than a page or so, but don't take my word for it.

    I didn't mention terrorism or extremists or really anything about Muslims in general. I am saying the Quran is a book of hate, which it is, and that it is not divine mandate, which it isn't.

    The Quran is just another collection of desert prejudice.

  5. I am trying to avoid too much theology for the time being.... instead writing about the drudgery of working retail and the extreme discomfort caused by one-ply toilet paper. Really. It was painful today, Sir. You know the feeling of one-ply?

  6. I remember stealing those huge industrial sized rolls of sandpaper they put in public restrooms to bring home.


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