Monday, June 22, 2009

Divine Gender

What I’m about to say may surprise some of you. Maybe not the women, but it will shock the guys. I have come to find out that God is, in fact, a female.

Think about it. God created life by birthing the universe. God raised man and taught him the rules to live by. God protects and nurtures us. Man was made in God’s image, and before woman. Therefore, when woman was created, God clearly already had practice. Eve is more closely related to God, as she was a second attempt, and more apt to be done right.

Also, God always needs reassurance. The Christian God is an insecure God, and She must be praised often in order for Her to be reminded of just how wonderful of a God She is. She does an often thankless job: cooking up the universe, raising Her billions of children, all while fighting with Satan (clearly the scorned ex-husband). All She asks in return is a little gratitude… and money.

God always needs money. This clearly indicates that She doesn’t hold a job while raising the universe. I’m not judging her decision to be a stay-at-home God; I’m glad She’s keeping an eye on things rather than wearing a loud colored blazer and showing houses. However, let’s face it: God can never get enough alms, donations or tithes. I can only imagine the size of Her shoe collection.

God is also very jealous. “Don’t you dare look at that golden calf over there! Oh I know you didn’t just say something about Me under your breath, mister. That’s blasphemy!”

God also clearly has a menstrual cycle. God will be extremely kind one minute… then the hormones kick in. The next thing you know, an earthquake knocks your house down. The mood swings of God help account for the staggering number of inconsistencies in the Bible regarding God’s personality. She was bitter during the Old Testament because of the whole break-up with Satan. Notice how God got the house in the divorce, once again proving She’s female. The whole Noah’s ark flood thing? Talk about a heavy flow. That was one nasty case of cosmic PMS.

Other personality traits of God can be more easily explained once one realizes God is female. God knows EVERYTHING and is ALWAYS right. If you upset God, She makes you sleep in the dog house… for eternity. Of course, if you admit you’re wrong and say how sorry you are, She will forgive you, ‘cause that’s just the kind of girl She is. No matter how much you abuse Her, She keeps taking us back. God is a co-dependent housewife. She sticks by Her man: Mankind.


  1. Well, originally, she should not invest the alms, donations and tithes in her shoe collection, but in her children's feeding, clothes, etc...

    The problem is, mostly the clergy invests them in his shoe collection.

  2. Thank you Ginx. All this time I've always used the she gender when referring to God but mostly because I'm not much of one for Sky Gods. I'm more of the Earth Mother belief.

    But applying female traits to God makes clear sense. Demanding constant attention, mercurial, vengeful, spiteful, selfish, loving, gentle, caressing... these things all apply. Then there are the cruel tricks like giving man his sexual zenith at age 20 and women at 40. The sort of things that make loving relationships nearly impossible.

    Enjoy your posts with TSE. I'm glad there are some young folks out there to pick up the liberal torch. Us old hippies are getting stove-up and give-out.


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