Friday, June 26, 2009

Evangelism: Christian vs. Atheism

As inspired by this post, I began to wonder how Atheist missionaries would conduct themselves. I decided to highlight the differences between how Christians and Atheists would go about recruiting people. Remember, the missionaries are always the most extreme among our ranks.

Christians hand out tracts.
Atheists hand out condoms and porn (Why do people in relationships get all the fun?).

Christians make awkward conversation with you in public places before springing the trap.
Atheists make snide remarks when they overhear anything vaguely religious.

Christians take church funded mission trips to foreign lands (see also: self-righteous vacations).
Atheists take acid trips (equally as self-righteous).

Christians build churches.
Atheists build abortion clinics, gay bars, and democracy.

Christians pass out Bibles so fast they don’t have time to read it themselves.
Atheists pass out, drunk. [Hitchens, lay off a little before public appearances.]

Christians wear a cross around their neck.
Atheists cross out “God” from the back of their money.

The Christian missionary position:

The Atheist missionary positions:


  1. Well I'm not an atheist, but i like there positions for the church members.

  2. Don't worry, you don't have to profess anything (or deny anything, for that matter) to practice them.

    As with all rituals, practice makes perfect.

  3. Elizabeth Barrette sent me. (-:

    Religion has catalyzed many things in human history, good and bad. However, for me personally, my experience of and connection with the divine has greatly enriched my life.

    I once was at a Pagan ritual where one of the principal participants was an atheist; I didn't get to talk with her long, but in answer to my question of why she was not only participating in, but running a ritual devoted to the Goddess, she said that the Goddess is a powerful archetype and ritual is necessary and healing for humans.

  4. nice post, God-dammit!

    hey, you might dig this...


    even if ya don't, feel free to swipe the cartoon.

    I did.

    "the Lord works in Myst~~"

    ~~aw, fuck it. I'm an Agnostic myself.



    yup. diggin' it...


  5. First off, thanks for the link. I'm glad it sparked your ideas!

    Truly funny. Yay for the last item!

    Seriously though, it made me think.

    Believe it or not, reading that list made me like the Christian list more. Le gasp. Perhaps it's my lifelong brainwashing that trained me to be disgusted by garish behavior, but when we atheists (i do include myself) act in impolite, rude, or without any sense of propriety, I don't admire it. Sure, being silly and poking fun is great. But I want atheists or "atheist missionaries" to be bringers of more peace, tolerance, rational thinking, ideas, practical aid, and human bonding than any Christian missionary ever could.

    But ah well, it was a joke, so I'll leave it there ;)

  6. Oh I agree that it's not a "good" representation, but neither are Christian missionaries (in all fairness)

  7. It's nice to be able to do the Kama Sutra backwards, inverted but from my limited experience, you need to do it that way before you're 30.

    I'm not interested in sexual healing or ritual paganism, but there is something to be said for unrestrained sex.

  8. As an Evangelical theist, I take comfort in the fact that the modern atheist is so pathetically ignorant of their adversary. Their baseless assertions may humour the equally ignorant. But actually it gives the Christian an edge when an unbeliever discovers the incongruity between the slander and the reality of what Christians believe.

    You are sorely mistaken as to the limits that the Bible places on sexual positions. There are none mentioned. Indeed if you read the Song of Solomon with a literalist eye, you may be surprised at some of the 'positions' that are advocated.

    There are some things I think are beyond the pale. i.e. Sexual Cannibalism (aka Miewes - German cannibal), watersports (urination onto one's lover as a historically understood act of degradation of partner). But the only limits I can see with your Atheist list, for the most part, is our phsiological capacity to enact them.

    There has been in Catholic tradition (i.e. Thomas Acquinas) a preference for the Missionary Position which emanates from neo-Platonist and Stoic thought of the Roman Empire.

    You may disagree with the Biblical position on homosexuality and pre-marital sex etc for which I could offer a reasonable defense. But when you make assertions like that regarding the sexual positions, you come across as silly and inconsequential.

  9. Oh come on John, the position is named for missionaries as a colloquiallism. It's a joke.

    Please read this for why you should lighten up.

  10. That was funny. At least you were honest on both sides. The comment about passing out bibles faster than reading them is regrettably true that it stings. Btw, I like all those positions too...God made it, and I like to celebrate it.....that's what I tell my wife.

  11. Thanks, Mike. I try to be fair by not putting atheism on a pedestal.

    And I know religious people have very spicy sex lives, even Catholic priests do pretty well for themselves (and believe it or not, that isn't a child molestation swipe; it was an open rumor that the priest at a church I went to growing up frequented prostitutes and has been arrested multiple times).


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