Friday, August 6, 2010

How Am I Going To Explain…

With my second dog settling in, it’s hard not to think about kids. Why? I dunno, maybe it’s the adorable young mug staring into my eyes all day long. Maybe it’s all the shit I’m cleaning up. Maybe I’m a masochist.

So of course, only one thing comes to mind: how am I going to answer the tough questions my kids ask?

Except… I don’t feel uncomfortable with the usual things. Babies? “Men and women have sex and if the condom breaks and the woman is pro-life or ready, they have a baby. Sometimes scientists in laboratories have to get involved…” Sex? “Adults like to give each other special massages that make you have an awesome sneeze. Sometimes the women even fake sneeze to make the guy sneeze, because it’s contagious like yawning, and she’s sore or bored.”

No, the question that will probably stump me is the religion question. For one thing, I can’t prepare for it. What is the religion question? “Who is God?” Or is it, “Who is Jesus?” Or will it be about religion itself: “What is Scientology, and why did I fail a personality test?”

All I know is the attitude to don if confronted by this situation: detachment. You can’t take a hostile tone, nor should I advocate my point of view. In fact, unless directly asked, I would prefer not to talk about my own views on the matter with my children. It’s just not something I would openly volunteer.

In truth, I view religion much like I view sexuality. It’s just weird to talk about my own experiences in front of certain people. I can explain what sex is to someone, but I wouldn’t want to talk about my first time with someone I didn’t know well.

Religion, however, is a subject for which I lack the vocabulary for remaining neutral. How do you explain to someone religion without making it sound like a demented, X-rated Disney movie?

“Well, God destroyed a town full of homosexuals, but he saved the guy who would go on to sleep with his daughters. Yes, God knew it would happen, He knows everything, but He seemed okay with it. But that doesn’t mean you can sleep with me or mom. And even though Adam and Eve’s kids had to marry each other doesn’t mean you can marry your sibling. But maybe in ten years you can marry your dog in California.”

So what other questions might I be confronted with? I’ll put on my Mr. Roger’s sweater and take a crack at answering them.

6 comments:

  1. Oh no, don't tell me we might have some little Bret "Ginx" Alan juniors running around someday! I have enough trouble just dealing with you.

    To all people within the sound of this blog...

    PLEASE STOP BREEDING! YOU'VE FILLED THE EARTH ALREADY! (and besides, having children is an immoral act...you have no right to force this world on anyone).

    ReplyDelete
  2. Kids are bright and a sponge. They will know what you think anyway. I just say what I think at the time. It changes anyway. If I don't know something I say that I am unsure. Also I say this is my opinion. Others may hold a different view. I want my kids to be open and direct. I speak strongly against those who say there is only one opinion, one way. Their mother and I think very different on religion which was not true when we first met. My kids are grown now but when they were young I didn't talk about sex to them, they are girls. As they got older I said that if they wanted to watch a movie that contained sexual content it was OK, but I would not watch it with them.

    ReplyDelete
  3. @Nik: You can't fight biology...

    @ex-min: Ew, I don't want to be in the same room as my kids when they're watching that. I'll let the kids on the playground explain it. It worked for all my friends who became teen-aged parents. They were ready way earlier than most kids I knew...

    ReplyDelete
  4. THE RUBBER DUCKY OF PSEUDOSCIENCE III -BRET ALLAN

    http://daddytypes.com/archive/hofman_rubber_duckie.jpg


    there is a lot of sh*t to flush!


    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cg2AezJo8aQ


    THE HEAD OF THE INFIDEL!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojR-XRt4rrA



    Is America burning yet?

    Maybe we need some more...


    we use the DIVINE against the ESTABLISHMENT... you?


    we do better DEMOLITIONS than you, savage...


    RENOUNCE YOUR ATHEISM AND JOIN THE SOCIALIST FAITH!


    let them know if the MDC continues more people will die...

    the WORLD TRADE CENTER PROPHECY - THE DANCE OF DEATH


    WORLD TRADE CENTER PROPHECY


    FLUSH ATHEISM!

    Actually it is a ROYAL FLUSH!!!

    Let me show you how ATHEISTS were partially responsible for 911

    These ATHEISTS NEED TO BE ON THE TERRORIST WATCH LIST!

    You don’t even have SCIENCE on your side…

    You’re a perfect example of when PHILOSOPHY becomes an ENEMY OF LIFE...

    http://stephenlaw.blogspot.com/2010/06/playing-mystery-card.html

    not quite samantha with her *supernatural spit*, eh?

    this isn't one of your little WORD GAMES...

    blasphemy is a DEATH SENTENCE

    you people actually BELIEVE the BS you preach!

    GOD 1 - atheists 0

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQcNiD0Z3MU


    Atheists,

    you are ENEMIES OF GOD AND ARE GOING TO BE ANNIHILATED...

    Repent and turn to God or be destroyed...

    YOU HAVE NO CHOICE...

    my interpretation of the STATUE FIRE... it symbolizes the SPIRITUAL DEATH of atheism...

    http://www.salon.com/news/2010/06/15/us_lightning_strikes_jesus_statue

    http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2010/6/16/1276680110544/The-King-of-Kings-statue--005.jpg

    http://www.latimes.com/media/photo/2010-06/54332292.jpg


    http://friendlyatheist.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/butterjesus-1.jpg

    PRINCESS DI IS WEARING A NEW DRESS!

    http://www.princeofwales.gov.uk/speechesandarticles/a_speech_by_hrh_the_prince_of_wales_titled_islam_and_the_env_252516346.html
    ______________________________
    http://skepticblog.org/2010/04/06/would-i-ever-pray-for-a-miracle/

    Shermer, I WANT TO SEE YOU BEG FOR A MIRACLE...
    ___________________
    we do like your music Lady Gaga, but...

    The B**BQUAKE - 911

    Let me show you the FATE OF TRAITORS...

    http://www.loiterink.com/photos/products/182_3424_500x500.jpg

    they are incapable of telling the difference between SCIENTIFIC *FACT* AND
    RELIGIOUS AND PHILOSOPHICAL *TRUTH*... FATAL ERROR!

    they also preach a *VALUE FREE SCIENCE* called *POSITIVISM* that ignores the
    inequalities of wealth and power in capitalist civilization...

    for a sample taste of PZ Myers' GARBAGE...

    http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2010/06/sunday_sacrilege_imagine_no_he.php

    HIJACKING IN PROGRESS!!!

    http://hawaiiwebgroup.com/maui-design/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/website-hijacking.jpg

    HIJACKING IN PROGRESS!!!

    how can these HEADLESS IDIOTS BET AGAINST GOD!!!
    ________________________________________
    what happens when you LOSE Pascal's Wager...

    http://www.peterkreeft.com/topics/pascals-wager.htm
    ____________
    you FIGHT PAPER MONSTERS...

    the blood and bodies of the atheist movement...

    you mofos killed MICKEY MOUSE!!!!

    this has more TRUTH then what Dawkins, Randi, Harris, Myers, and Shermer
    combined have said in their entire lives...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=5R2wE8Sduhs&playnext_from=TL&videos=hht1U_19anc&feature=rec-LGOUT-exp_fresh%2Bdiv-1r-3-HM

    they tried to BULLDOZE the entire METAPHYSICAL DIMENSION...
    they LOST THE WAR......

    you have FORFEIT YOUR SOUL, shermer... you have become an object in the material world, as you WISHED...



    THE BOOBQUAKE - 911!
    ****************************************************
    http://dissidentphilosophy.lifediscussion.net/philosophy-f1/the-boobquake-911-t1310.htm

    ReplyDelete
  5. Awww, we share a troll!

    Ever since he started going to school, my son is always asking what I think about religious stuff. It seems like a conversation kids have quite a bit. For a while he said he believed in god, but he would always look at my face for a reaction. All I really ever said in response was 'why?'. I never told him I didn't believe, but he already knew I didn't believe because he's a kid and is always listening. Then he started asking me what I thought and I told him as honestly as I tell him about what I think about sex, the president, our neighbors, laws that pass or anything else. I think honesty is the best policy with kids, tempered with the clear message that they are free to think whatever they want, but they should probably have an answer when someone asks 'why?' if they want their positions to be respected.

    ReplyDelete
  6. My plan is just to say, "Yes, there are a lot of people who believe that. Your mom and I do not, which is why we don't go to church."

    Keep it simple.

    ReplyDelete

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