How Am I Going To Explain…

With my second dog settling in, it’s hard not to think about kids. Why? I dunno, maybe it’s the adorable young mug staring into my eyes all day long. Maybe it’s all the shit I’m cleaning up. Maybe I’m a masochist.

So of course, only one thing comes to mind: how am I going to answer the tough questions my kids ask?

Except… I don’t feel uncomfortable with the usual things. Babies? “Men and women have sex and if the condom breaks and the woman is pro-life or ready, they have a baby. Sometimes scientists in laboratories have to get involved…” Sex? “Adults like to give each other special massages that make you have an awesome sneeze. Sometimes the women even fake sneeze to make the guy sneeze, because it’s contagious like yawning, and she’s sore or bored.”

No, the question that will probably stump me is the religion question. For one thing, I can’t prepare for it. What is the religion question? “Who is God?” Or is it, “Who is Jesus?” Or will it be about religion itself: “What is Scientology, and why did I fail a personality test?”

All I know is the attitude to don if confronted by this situation: detachment. You can’t take a hostile tone, nor should I advocate my point of view. In fact, unless directly asked, I would prefer not to talk about my own views on the matter with my children. It’s just not something I would openly volunteer.

In truth, I view religion much like I view sexuality. It’s just weird to talk about my own experiences in front of certain people. I can explain what sex is to someone, but I wouldn’t want to talk about my first time with someone I didn’t know well.

Religion, however, is a subject for which I lack the vocabulary for remaining neutral. How do you explain to someone religion without making it sound like a demented, X-rated Disney movie?

“Well, God destroyed a town full of homosexuals, but he saved the guy who would go on to sleep with his daughters. Yes, God knew it would happen, He knows everything, but He seemed okay with it. But that doesn’t mean you can sleep with me or mom. And even though Adam and Eve’s kids had to marry each other doesn’t mean you can marry your sibling. But maybe in ten years you can marry your dog in California.”

So what other questions might I be confronted with? I’ll put on my Mr. Roger’s sweater and take a crack at answering them.