Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Thank You For Killing Your Kids…

…but stop, for the sake of others. I don’t care what you do to your own progeny, but a disturbing new trend is sweeping the United Skeptics of America: vaccinophobia.

Look, I hate needles, and I don’t trust pharmaceutical companies any more than I trust other businesses, but vaccines are one of the greatest inventions ever. Their use is arguably the single biggest factor in the increased modern life expectancy, not to mention the sole reason for the eradication of several diseases from the developed world.

Or so we thought. Whooping cough and measles are making a comeback in California (which is no small feat for a disease, just ask Mel Gibson).

“But Bret, vaccines cause autism.”

Yeah, if you get your scientific advice from the Playboy Playmate who hosted the MTV dating show, “Singled Out” and can currently be found charity-banging a 48 year old Jim Carrey.

Yes Jim, any attention is good attention…

You know what is more likely to cause autism? Waiting too long to have kids. I bet you feel proud of all you accomplished with your great acting career, Jenny McCarthy. I’m sure you’ll cherish that Razzie for your role in Dirty Love more than having a normal child.

Mean? Yes, but that foolhardy do-gooderbadder has the blood of dozens or possibly even hundreds on her hands, because people in America listen to celebrities more than their doctors. Of course, I only partially blame her, because it’s ultimately the parents’ fault. You can lead a horse to stupid, but it’s their fault if they drink.

“But Bret, I can do whatever I want with my kid.”

To a degree, you’re right. You can drag your kid to church and fill their head with lies. You can tell your kid evolution is an anti-God conspiracy and condemn them to a life of mopping bathrooms, or worse, investment banking. You can even show your kid an R-rated movie that gives them nightmares for years (or a PG rated movie… damn you Gremlins!).

What you can’t do is endanger others. You can’t drive 90 miles an hour through a school zone. You can’t throw knives in a grocery store while blindfolded (trust me…). And you can’t “choose” not to vaccinate your kid, because it’s not just your kid that can get infected and die.

If it was just you and your retarded offspring that died, I wouldn’t give a shit. I would be happy for such a tidy form of self-selection. This is why I love motorcycles, skateboarding, sky-diving over uninhabited areas, heroin, anorexia, and suicide. I mean, I don’t enjoy them myself, but I love knowing others do. It makes for great YouTube videos.

Vaccines save lives, and not only the life of the person getting them. Now if only they had a vaccine for stupid…


  1. I see how important it is to understand science and evolution to get why vaccines and other preventative medicines are important to take now that I have let woo-woo go. But if you think there is this magical genie God who will heal you only if you pray to him why take medicine? That's the problem. Taking your kid to a fundie church is a form of child abuse.

  2. "I love motorcycles, skateboarding, sky-diving over uninhabited areas, heroin, anorexia, and suicide. I mean, I don’t enjoy them myself, but I love knowing others do."

    Did my mom tell you to include motorcycles?

    The first 3 are different than the last 3. I am an avid motorcyclist and have a bunch of old friends who have been riding since they were kids. It is the squids who are higher on the list to self-destruction. If only cars were available they will kill themselves in the same manner.

    If evolution teaches me this. I need to breed (check) and have fun (check) because there is no security in life.

    You do nothing for fun?

  3. I reject the antiquated notion that you have to hurt yourself to have fun.

    Also, how are motorcycles fun? Transportation is a means to an end, not an end in and of itself.

  4. have you ever ridden a motorcycle? Have you ever been in a car with a convertible top? Don't like either of them?

    I don't hurt myself riding a motorcycle. I wear gear in case something happens. I don't speed (anymore). The bikes in my garage now are slower bikes and two antiques. I take regular courses on how to ride my bikes safely and have instructors explain to me where I have bad habits.

    I don't like hurting myself at all. I haven't ever held the opinion I need to hurt myself to have fun. I am not a jackass.

    I love this quote from Helen Keller
    "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than exposure."

    Sitting shelter in my home not daring to go out does not make me safe. This I know from personal experience with the big "C"

  5. I don't even like driving over the speed limit. It makes me feel nauseous. And every person I know who has died on a motorcycle (two; and not "on" the motorcycle, more on the pavement or under vehicles) spent thousands on leather and helmets to no avail. One even raced motorcycles, but he died on the road.

    And how many times do you think Helen Keller rode a motorcycle? I think her use of "adventure" is fundamentally more metaphorical, as I'm pretty sure she would not be an extreme sports enthusiast had she been born a century later.

    I also don't have body piercings or tattoos. Any other careless life decisions I'm missing?

    Glad you survived to chide me on my moderation :P


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