The Fourth Branch of Government

When I was in school, I learned how the government works. As it turns out, the government doesn’t work, and I have a sneaking suspicion it has something to do with the parts of government I was never told about as a child.

As far as I can tell, the main thing I was never taught was that there is a fourth branch of government, called the Lobby. They play an important role in how America doesn’t work.

For one thing, the Lobby writes the laws. I used to think the Legislation did this, but as it turns out, they don’t. Writing laws is work, and legislators aren’t paid enough to actually care. So, they have lobbyists do this job for them. So really, the Lobby writes the laws, and then the Legislation votes on whether to enact that law.

Except… if there’s one thing harder than writing, it’s thinking. So, to save the Legislation from having to think, lobbyists tell legislators how to vote. This is done based on a complex system of “donations” (known in other industries as “bribes”).

At this point, you might be thinking to yourself, “We need to elect people who will represent us, not lobbyists!” You adorable, stupid little citizen. No matter who you elect, they will be bought, and if they somehow can’t be bought, their opponent in the next election will magically find the financial support necessary to destroy anyone who might follow the wishes of voters over lobbyists.

In fact, the whole election system is very much dependent upon lobbyists and the wealthy interests behind them. Every elected official depends upon the millions of dollars of support from private, wealthy individuals, because wealthy people matter more than the rest of us and what they have to say matters more. Rich people are just better than we are… that’s why they’re rich. We should all just shut up and do whatever they want, because it will be much easier for all of us if we just play along.

Even those who have no need for re-election still rely upon the Lobby. The Supreme Court is a life appointment, so they should be free from this corruption… except, Supreme Court Justices are still people, and people love money. Money talks, and justice is blind, not deaf. The Supreme Court has ruled in favor of parties with direct financial connections to various Justices in the past, and it won’t stop anytime soon.

So, what can you do? Make money. Make lots and lots of money. No one cares how you get it… it could be from bootlegging, or selling defective medical equipment for premature babies, or stuffing poisonous insulation into every public school… don’t worry about how you become rich, the important thing is being rich.

Once you have amassed millions, then you too can make a difference. Show up to meals that cost $20,000 a plate and let you shake hands with the President. Give a few insider tips on how you plan to tank your company so that some important Senators can short-sell your stock and make a fortune, then have them bail you out with taxpayer money for the privilege. Give the wives of some federal judges a job on your board of directors (now your board even meets “diversity” standards!).

The world really opens up for you when you’re rich, and the only person holding you back from all this success is you… and your morals, and your lack of connections, and your pathetic pedigree, and that faint smell of feet that follows you everywhere. Know your place, plebian.

America truly has the best government that money can buy.