The only reason I would ever get into shape is for the zombie apocalypse. That way, I’ll be an unstoppable zombie.
God always comes first with me. Then we switch to doggy and I finish.
I miss lemon Jolly Ranchers.
Republicans can’t tell the difference between a Kenyan and a Keynesian.
Hercules and I had the same shoe size, US 13 (12.6 inches). This was actually the first recorded use of a measurement based on the length of a foot.
You don’t have to be smart or kind to be a Democrat, but you have to be cruel or stupid to be a Republican.
I had to quit being a liberal and an atheist because I was incapable of doing what liberals and atheists do most often: get offended.
It’s not that conservatives are always wrong, it’s more that they’re never right.
Squirrels are like cigarettes. They aren’t a danger to you unless you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Republicanism: the belief that only your head should ever be up your ass.
I was on a flight recently and the flight attendants made an announcement that the pilot and co-pilot were both passed out drunk, and she asked if anyone could fly the plane. No one volunteered at first, so I did. Let me tell you, it was not easy. It took me an hour just to figure out how get us into the air.
I’m more angered by conservative women than by conservative men, and I think it’s because I don’t get satisfaction from imagining myself punching a conservative woman in the throat.
There’s a history of longevity in my family, especially among the older folks.
I hope Rush Limbaugh gets raped by a whale shark.
Masturbation: putting the “semen” in “amusement.”
Have you ever murdered someone just so you can get the last word?
What’s black and white and red all over?
Barack Obama in a lobster costume.
I’m so fat and out of shape. If I didn’t eat, it wouldn’t be called a fast, it would be called a slow. Actually, I used to go days without eating sometimes in college. It was called “the end of the month.”
I come from a family that is rather wealthy. Not Romney wealthy, but very well off. We never had hard times. We always had food on the table, but that’s mostly because it was my job to do dishes and I’m really lazy.
I’m allergic to everything. I’m even allergic to myself. If I lick my skin, it itches. If I swallow my saliva, I get horrible diarrhea. My dandruff gives me a stuffy nose.
When I was 17, I got my nose pierced, but that was only because I had such a horrible dentist.
Nine times out of ten, a libertarian is just someone who can’t conceive of caring about what happens to anyone but himself (I find it usually is a “him”).
Cell phones have replaced doorbells. Think about it.
Anything worth thinking is worth writing down, but not everything worth writing is worth reading.
Republicans keep regressing further and further back into the past for bad ideas. What’s next? Women must marry their rapist?
Strange protest sign ideas:
- God Smells Like Rain
- Free iPods for All Orphans
- The End of the World Was Last Week
- Girl Scouts Against the Spanish-American War
- Stop Making New Kinds of Soda
- Ban Mozzarella Cheese
- Panhandlers On Strike For Better Dental Coverage
- Does This Sign Make Me Look French?
- Go Home Prussians!
- The Person Holding This is Not As Crazy As You Think
- The Liberal Media Stole My Dog
- I’m As Tired of Carrying This As You Are of Looking At It
- Down With Bad Things
- Help Me Find a Job So I Can Stop
- Support Horse-Racing on the Moon
- We Are Masked Individuals Against Everything
- If I’m Against It, Why Is it “Protest?” Shouldn’t It Be “Contest?”
They need better warnings on food. I got some chips the other day that were low-fat and made with a chemical I would rather not name, for fear of a lawsuit. They warned that the product “may cause intestinal distress, loose stools, or diarrhea.” Fair enough, but the warning that actually would help for this product would be, “Do not trust a fart after eating.” I have two fresh pairs of underwear that wish I had been given a little heads up.
I have studied the religions of the world like my eternity relied upon it. In the end, I fear I have merely wasted a large chunk of the finite time I actually have.
I love chili dogs. I love them more than people. No chili dog ever let me down.
I used to wonder what people meant when they complained about “elitists.” Then I moved to the South and realized it means: “Ooo, look at Mr. Fancy-Pants with all his teeth.”
I tried to date an optometrist, but the sex was really weird. She kept asking, “Is this better, or is this better? Better A, or better? Okay, you’re going to feel a poof of air...”
Having turned 28, I realized why so many people OD or kill themselves at 27: no one wants to attend their 10 year high school reunion.
I want to write a children’s book, but I can’t get the title right. So far, it’s: “You can be anything when you grow up, but you’ll be lucky if you get to work in a cubicle.” It doesn’t really have a ring to it.
Never trust someone who sides with the person they know best over the person who knows best.
I hate when people ask obvious questions when it’s clear what the answer is... like “Did you get a haircut?” or “Are you having sex with that horse?”
I want to attain enlightenment, and then extinguish it.
When it comes to sex, it’s like the Titanic: ladies first.
Science did not create new horrors, it merely revealed how horrible people can be by giving them the power to fulfill their potential.
The pen is mightier than the sword. The book is deadlier than the bullet. Even the blog is more destructive than the bomb. In short, the most powerful weapon to wield is the word.
I see a lot of anarchists and libertarians speak of the government’s “monopoly on violence.” This is odd, because I keep hearing from these same people how the government is inefficient and ineffective. So, what I’m hearing is these people demanding private industry get in on the market of violence, because the government is not an acceptably efficient or effective killing machine. I’m fairly certain that the way forward is not to privatize tyranny, thereby streamlining it.
When I swim at the beach, I don’t get wet
I go in the water, and the ocean gets Bret
I have a sort of reverse self-esteem that suits me quite well. I don’t think I’m amazing. I don’t imagine I’m particularly good looking or funny. I’m definitely not that bright, and I certainly have not achieved much success. And yet, I feel great about myself, because when I look around, I see a world full of boring, ugly, humorless, stupid failures, most of whom I’m shocked were able to operate a door in order to leave their homes. Compared to that, I think I’m doing pretty well.
Religion is like a metaphor that has come to life and gone mad.
Is it so hard to define marriage as being between those who ask and those who consent?
The only time you should care what your neighbors have is if they have nothing, and then you should help them get what they need.
We should spank the parent when the child misbehaves.
If you want to be on the winning team in any culture war, side with the young and wait for the inevitable.
Why don’t hipsters put their beer in the fridge?
Because they prefer to drink it before its cool.
Old photos always make me think of racism, because even the photo is segregated into black and white.
If two vegetarians are arguing, do they have a beef with each other?
You can never stop someone from being a danger to themself, because ultimately, they are tied to the problem.
I wrote a companion piece to the Vagina Monologues called the Dick Anecdotes. It’s not very popular.
My college roommate once asked me to pick up a magazine on cryptozoology at the store. The ironic part is, I couldn’t even find it.
I admire an animal that is colorful, because that is a creature that would rather fuck than blend in and live a little longer.
My failed sex toy idea: edible handcuffs
It’s easier to preach a thousand virtues than it is to live one.
Most minds are like cement: all mixed up, and then permanently set.
I don’t know why most people care so much about which church they are members of. Is it really so important where you go on Christmas and Easter?
You know that moment as you’re getting high when you become suddenly aware of the front portion of your brain? I don’t have a joke for that… it’s just weird.
As an atheist, it is tempting to exploit religious people. It wouldn’t be hard, considering how dumb they are. Like, imagine the fortune I could make selling Bibles autographed by the author.
You catch more rioters with laughing gas than with tear gas.
If you often put your foot in your mouth, you might as well also put a sock in it.
I suffer from a very erotic eye condition: sex-ray vision. I want to fuck everything I see. Hey, where are you going… don’t hide…
A conservative is someone who opposes everything until it’s been done for a while.
When people on the right say they believe in justice, they really mean “just us.”
I doubt it will ever catch on as a tradition at funerals to throw a bouquet of flowers to see who will die next.
I hate when people without kids try to tell other people how to be a parent. I just want to say to these nosey people, “Listen, I’m sure a parent knows how much vodka their own kids can handle, all right?”
Sometimes people really nitpick the Bible. Like, a popular thing to mock the Bible for is the talking ass. But frankly, I think that’s one thing the Bible got right. Most asses I know never shut up.
You know how they make virgin olive oil? They use the ugly and unpopular olives.
A liberal is someone who runs the risk of being on the wrong side of history. A conservative is someone who consistently stays on the wrong side of history.
Who would question the honesty of the Bible? It was written by Jesus’ buddies, many of whom were fishermen, and when has a fisherman ever exaggerated anything?
When you take someone to the airport now, you can’t go through security with them to see them off. So basically, I’m not even the last one to grope my wife when she leaves town.
I study history, not out of some misguided belief that I can avoid repeating it, but so that when it does repeat, I know the words and can sing along.
Some people will always disagree on principle because they can’t disagree on evidence.
I’m a socialist because I acknowledge there are things I want that I can never do for myself. For example, blow jobs.
As a guy, the only way I know I’ve been staring too long is if she adjusts her top or tries to close her sweater.
If only progress moved as fast as a glacier melts…
Sometimes, when I’m alone, I just curl up on the floor and pretend I’m a watermelon.
America: where you can own assault rifles, but you can’t bring shampoo on a plane.
The system is broken because the system is fixed.
You need a good government to have a growing economy, but you won’t have a good economy if you have a growing government.
If you don’t live on the edge, you’re taking up too much space.
There’s nothing funny about drugs. Trust me. What’s funny is people on drugs and the weird things they say and do.
I don’t believe in a meaning of life, I believe in a life of meaning.
My wife works and I don’t, but I’m not a trophy husband. I’m more of a participation certificate husband.
I had a girlfriend in college who was in a lot of online porn, and something tells me she’s going to be pretty pissed off if she finds out I posted it. She actually got her good looks from her step-father, which sounds weird, but he’s the one who paid for the plastic surgery.
Humans are the only species that blushes from embarrassment. We’re also the only species with religion. That can’t be a coincidence.
Sometimes I wish I had more than two middle fingers.
If your waistline you wish to increase
Fry all of your food in bacon grease
Cut out veggies and drink more booze
And if all else fails, go on a cruise
When I masturbate, I like to switch hands, because I noticed my jerking arm was going all Popeye, while my other arm (the one using the mouse) is spindly.
It confounds me that there are people with thick, unintelligible southern accents who complain about immigrants being hard to understand. This would be like Mexicans complaining that Southern food was delicious, but it gives you horrible diarrhea. Sure, it’s true, but you have no room to talk.
Politics is the art of taking credit for every boon while blaming someone else for every blunder.
I failed out of clown college, which is really embarrassing. They play that sound, “WAH-waah,” and they make you turn in your nose and shoes, so you aren’t tempted to clown without a license. I thought I would get ahead by interrupting the instructor, but apparently they don’t give as much respect to the class clown as you might think.
The worst lies are not those which we tell others, but the ones we live every day.
A large group of fools not only can take down a wise individual, they frequently do.
Bret was named “Funniest Comedian of 2011” in the Alan Family Newsletter.
I think of myself as a renaissance man, in that most of what I say would seem interesting and original in the 1500s.
My dad was sort of from another era. I think he was ready to have kids in the 70’s, not the 80’s. You could tell, because he always tried to apply old-timey solutions to new problems, and it didn’t really work out. I remember one time he found heroin in my room. So, he sat me down with it, and he made me shoot every last gram. And I’ll never forget, when I woke up in the hospital from that coma four days later... I really wanted some heroin, more than I had ever wanted anything before in my life… what was I talking about again?
My wife is Jewish, but she sleeps like all the groups who have oppressed her people over the years. I come to bed at night and she’s sprawled out in the middle with her arms and legs at weird angles, as if she’s walking like an Egyptian or some sort of human swastika.
Not everything about how we react in the moment makes sense. Like, I get really embarrassed when some stranger I don’t even know catches me picking my nose while in traffic, but when the mailman sees me jerking off in my living room, I just smile and nod.
Some people like to focus on all of the horrible things I have written, but personally, I prefer to focus on all of the great and amazing things I never wrote.
I don’t see the point in people trying to make abortion illegal. Even if you could magically stop every woman from getting an abortion, it will always be legal to fall down some stairs.
I don’t think I have OCD, but I may be a carrier.
Only strange species of animals always stay mated for life, like gibbons, swans, or the Amish.
If you don’t admit to drinking or doing drugs, I assume you kill and eat hookers.
There’s only one thing better than a sunrise: sleeping in. I’m more of a sunset guy.
I am not at all religious myself, but this does not stop me from being fascinated by religion. I love to poke it, prod it, and wonder at it, like a child inspecting a fresh corpse lying in an open field.
You ever post a picture of a rash online for the purposes of having strangers diagnose it?
I got rich the old fashioned way: I was born into it.
I work 24/7, by which I mean 24 minutes an hour, 7 hours a week.
Apocalitmus test: only voting for people who believe the world is ending
No matter who you are, there are more things you disbelieve than believe. We essentially are all skeptics who have chosen only to adopt a limited view of the world.
You need to take chances in life and one of those is taking sides. If you go to the track and bet on every horse, you will never come out ahead.
Science did not kill or replace God, it merely bought His home on the hill after it was foreclosed.
As a homemaker, my annual salary is $0, plus room, board, and benefits.
I like to study Eastern Religion every Tao and Zen.
I’m all confused, it’s like black is up and east is wrong.
I find you can tell a lot about a woman by her feet. For example, you can tell she’s mad at you if she’s trying to kick you in the balls.
The more things Republican politicians do, the more Republican voters become convinced government can never do anything right. What a coincidence…
Is it offensive to tell a woman with breast cancer that she can come to you if she ever needs to get something off her chest?
If you support war, capital punishment, and guns while opposing healthcare for the poor... you don’t get to say you’re “pro-life” just because you oppose a woman’s right to decide when she starts her family. That makes you “anti-abortion.”
I get dreams where I think I didn’t take some class I needed to graduate, or I scheduled a course and never showed up, not realizing I had it, so I failed and never got my degree. Sometimes these feelings even carry over into the real world, and I wonder if I’m just a fraud, that I never graduated at all... until I get a letter from my college’s alumni office asking for money.