I’ve never much liked bullies. When I was a kid, I was particularly tall and over-confident, so I didn’t get bullied, but I had friends who got bullied and I made it a habit of sticking up for them. I was no white knight, mind you. I only stuck up for my own pals, and I can remember on more than one occasion mocking people I didn’t like for basically no reason at all (well, besides the fact that they had the audacity of being slightly different).
The terms “bully” and “bullying” mean something very specific to me, and I see people use it in a very different way, which belittles those who really are bullied. To me, a bully is someone who physically harms you. Until a person lays their hand on you, they are just mocking you or making fun of you. To me, bullying is child-on-child assault.
Imagine my chagrin when I see people accused of being bullies online, or to hear about liberals getting up in arms about some conservative saying this, that, or the other thing about some poor, defenseless woman/homosexual/minority. I don’t think most liberals would know a bully if one came up behind them and gave them a wedgie.
I don’t want to get into the first amendment here, because I can already tell most people who rail against “verbal bullying” are sick of hearing it. So, allow me to present my counter-argument to those who would silence the mean-spirited in another fashion.
For one thing, words only hurt those who let themselves be hurt. I know it’s a hard truth to swallow, to accept that you must give someone permission to offend you. The only reason words can hurt you is if they are true, because false words bounce off like rubber, and if a word bothers you because it is true, then you had best come to accept the truth and learn to live with it.
Sometimes that truth isn’t what you would initially think. If someone calls you a slut or a nigger or a faggot, the truth does not pertain to you, but to them. It’s doesn’t mean they’re a misogynist, or racist, or homophobic, it means they are angry at you for something, and they are expressing that anger in a juvenile fashion… or they might just be making a joke. That doesn’t mean the joke is funny, but even a bad joke isn’t worth getting upset over.
But these are just how to deal with someone criticizing you. I think such advice is moot, because anyone who is mocked knows how to deal with it. They’ve probably been dealing with it their whole lives, so it’s often not that big of a deal to a well-adjusted individual. Rather, I see other people getting offended on a semi-regular basis for things that don’t even affect them.
On some level, I can relate. I’m white, straight and a man, but I don’t like seeing anyone treated unfairly for being different from me. However, when someone says something to offend an individual or group, I don’t get all up in arms about it and act more offended than the target of the insult. I may make a cursory comment of opposition or just plain mock the jackass, but I know that people can stand up for themselves. They don’t need me riding in on a white horse to save them, starting campaigns and donning ribbons all the colors of the rainbow. That kind of faux-noble stance seems condescending to me.
This isn’t apathy on my part, it’s just good judgment. It’s not worth anyone’s time to get upset about what gets said when there are still so many horrible things being done. Liberals have sidetracked themselves with countless crusades against words. This in a world where women are still paid less, gay people still cannot marry, and where black kids are gunned down in the street by paranoid vigilantes.
There are bullies in the world, but we have laws enough to stop them. We need to focus on enforcing the laws we have, not policing the thoughts of innocent people whose only crime is opening their mouth or typing on their keyboard. I’ve honestly see “verbal abuse” described by more than one person as being similar or equivalent to rape… I am assuming by people who have never been raped. This is utterly ridiculous tripe, even from the fringe elements of the censorship movement.
You know what I think of people who would use force to stop someone from saying something? I would call them a bully, maybe even a thought rapist. Actually, no… just a bully.
If someone calls you a niggar or a foggot, it can be hurtful, not because it is true, as you suggest, but because it is demeaning. I think your response to this would be the false claim that you “don’t care what other people think.” People say that often, which means nothing more to me than that they are thinking about what other people think, caring, and trying to convince others they do not, because they want others to think they are self-confident and in control. In other words, they are caring what others think as they make the assertion. Cognitive psychologists know that everyone cares what other people think. The higher toned individuals admit to it. Those less at peace with themselves, deny it. Repeated studies have been done to determine the nature of guilt, for example. People will be far more likely to litter, to fail wash their hands, etc., if un-observed. People will talk themselves up with no rational reason for doing so.
ReplyDeleteYou would be putty in the hands of skilled cognitive researcher (as we all are).
Since people do care what people think, and since natural selection seems to help those who care more survive better, it is wrong to verbally assault anyone. Causing someone pain, either physically or mentally, is wrong. Justifying mental pain with the false assertion that they “should not care what you think,” is misguided, since it is human nature to care, and it also pro-survival, and moreover, people do care. Regardless of whether you sanction the emotion, in others or in yourself, it is real. There is no shame in being human. We all are human.
Any kind of harm inflicted is wrong. You could claim that if I kick your ass it is justified, because you should have learned to defend yourself better. That is the exact claim you are making about those bullied with verbal assault.
I never felt bullied in school. The reason why is beyond the scope of this discussion, way beyond it. However, I will tell you that anyone who is bullied has every right to lay hands on the bully. Anyone who assaults you with intent to do harm, can expect to potentially be harmed himself, regardless of the weapons he chooses.
Self-defense is always justified.
As I am sure you are aware, some children have committed suicide over repeated verbal abuse. I agree that if they were mental more capable of dealing with it, in other words, a better fighter, as internal defenses are a form of combat when challenged, they would have fared better.
Your position is that the strong will survive and the weak will crumble in the face of some kinds of bullying, and that is OK. The bully should not be a bully, but the defeated bullied fellow is worse, for losing.
I think this is a very benighted view. I hope you don’t feel bullied.
I do agree that people like you and I who have public blogs that discuss controversial issues should never feel bullied. We invite aggressive dissent.
A ten year old on FaceBook, does not. A six year old on school play gound does not.
it can be hurtful, not because it is true, as you suggest, but because it is demeaning.
DeleteOnly you can allow yourself to let someone's words demean you. If someone calls you a name, it's because they don't know you well enough to criticize you in a more effective manner.
I think your response to this would be the false claim that you “don’t care what other people think.”
I wouldn't say this is the point. If someone calls you a name, you shouldn't have much to care about, since they aren't thinking much.
All the cases where we get up in arms and act outraged are instances where not only the individual making the crude remarks feels that way, but society as a whole acts in accordance with said ignorance. We think nothing of people who criticize white people, not because we are racist or have white guilt or don't care about white people, but because white people don't experience any particular oppression. We like to imagine cruel words as salt, so those with wounds feel them most, and there is truth to this concept, but that doesn't mean we should treat people differently just because they are treated poorly in other ways. The truth is, no one is above being criticized or satirized. We shouldn't enforce taste or civility.
it is wrong to verbally assault anyone
I was focusing on legality, not morality. I was concerned with can or cannot, not should or should not. We all pretend to agree that no one should be mean, but I have yet to meet someone who actually abides by such a ridiculous principle (or would that be an imperative?).
Justifying mental pain with the false assertion that they “should not care what you think,” is misguided, since it is human nature to care, and it also pro-survival, and moreover, people do care.
I don't believe I said that someone "should not care what [a person] thinks" in my article, nor did I imply it. I certainly wouldn't say "mental pain." That sounds like some bullshit a lawyer came up with to milk millions through bogus litigation.
If causing anguish in others is wrong, is the news immoral?
You could claim that if I kick your ass it is justified, because you should have learned to defend yourself better. That is the exact claim you are making about those bullied with verbal assault.
Right... there's clearly no distinction between words and actions...
Calling words "verbal assault" is insulting to anyone who has actually been assaulted.
However, I will tell you that anyone who is bullied has every right to lay hands on the bully. Anyone who assaults you with intent to do harm, can expect to potentially be harmed himself, regardless of the weapons he chooses.
Finally, something we agree on.
Your position is that the strong will survive and the weak will crumble in the face of some kinds of bullying, and that is OK.
It's not strength that allows you to endure verbal criticism, mocking or taunting, but willpower.
I should have made it more clear: bullies who physically hurt people should be beat, stripped naked and forced to walk home bleeding.
I hope you don’t feel bullied.
Not unless you're standing behind me with a baseball bat...
Nope, you're good.
I do agree that people like you and I who have public blogs that discuss controversial issues should never feel bullied. We invite aggressive dissent.
Odd note: of all the mean things people have said to me on my blog, the meanest wasn't said about me or my wife, but my dog.
A ten year old on FaceBook, does not. A six year old on school play gound does not.
Part of life is knowing you have to and learning how to confront stupid people who say stupid things. Though again, if a kid is doing violent things, that kid should be taken out back and beaten with phone books (that'll teach him you don't accomplish things through violence...).