[Originally posted May 2011 at Skeptical Eye. Reposted here in honor of a phone call I just got from a comedy group looking to use some of these ideas in a sketch.]
Something has me very conspiratorial lately. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I haven’t been sleeping much lately or if those years of eating paint chips as a kid are catching up to me (they’re just so sweet… and I swear the green ones are also minty).
I not only wear a tin foil hat these days, I also wear a tin foil condom. My logic? Sure the brain in my skull is protected, but I know where most of my thoughts really come from.
But the true object of my obsession is not what the lame-stream media wants it to be. It would be too easy to point out how the royal wedding was used to distract bin Laden so that he could be kidnapped and held in Guantanamo so that he can be cloned to form an army of bin Ladens that will be assembled to invade Mars, all to distract us from Obama’s false birth certificate which was released to draw attention away from the fact that the real one contains information regarding Big Foot’s assassination of Kennedy.
That’s self evident. You people don’t need me to tell you that stuff. There’s still a thing called “common knowledge,” after all.
No, I’m here to point out a conspiracy that occurred right under our noses. In fact, you might say that I eat conspiracies like this for lunch, and it’s certainly not stale and moldy. I want to bite off more than I can chew with this post… boy are these puns crumby.
Sliced bread, people. Sliced… fucking… bread. Yes, the greatest invention in human history, the one by which all other inventions are measured. I have privileged information about how this milestone in human technology is actually… something quite different.
Now, people will tell you that aliens don’t exist, but these people usually have an implant that controls what they say. Anyone who is willing to focus only on the evidence in favor of the idea will see quite clearly that aliens have not only landed, but they walk among us even now. I wouldn’t be surprised if you have a few in your attic or crawlspace.
Has anything weird or unexplained ever happened to you or someone you know? Yep, it was aliens. Bumps in the night, lost items, unexplained rectal bleeding… aliens, one and all.
These aliens not only live on our planet, they sometimes interact with us. Sometimes they crash and we find the debris of their ships, or they abduct a drunk, bored person from the middle of nowhere and perform weird experiments on them. But sometimes, aliens share their advanced technology with us.
Now, what I’m about to tell you may shake you to the core. I would ask now that all pregnant women and those with heart conditions leave the room. Also, put down any beverage you may be drinking, because a spit take is imminent.
Aliens gave us the technology for pre-sliced bread.
Let that bake in the old oven for a minute...
But why? Why would these nefarious extraterrestrials give us such advanced knowledge? The truth is, sliced bread is all part of their plan to take over the world.
Before sliced bread, women had to slice the bread. Several slices a day, several times a day. This added up to hours a year, days over a lifetime. It was when sliced bread was introduced in the early 20th century that women started leaving the home, freed of their duty of slicing bread.
Women then went to work, diluting the labor market, leaving children to be raised by the television (another aliens invention). One day, freed from the home, women will run the world, and in their peace-loving naiveté, the nations of Earth will disarm… leaving the door open for the alien invasion.
There you have it. I have just blown the lid off the greatest conspiracy I ever came up with at 3am and scribbled on a notepad. Now if you excuse me, I have to get ready for the Rebirther rally I’m attending today.
[For those interested, Rebirthers are a group who want proof that Barack Hussein Obama is not Adolf Hitler reincarnated.]