Half-Baked Conspiracy #2

You know why the water doesn’t taste right anymore? In the mid-1950s, Coca-Cola and Pepsi did some research to determine how to increase their sales. They found that their primary competitor wasn’t orange juice or apple juice or any kind of juice at all. It wasn’t milk or Kool-Aid or even alcohol. It was water.

So, they started hiring planes to disperse a chemical in the air, one which would be barely perceptible, except to those who know to look for it. You know those lines you see sometimes that form behind planes? Yep, that’s the chemical, before it rains down on us.

You see, this chemical is a special growth protein that makes frogs develop extra limbs, because as we all know, the feet of tail-less amphibians secrete a special hormone that causes fish to undergo a sex change and become male. All these extra feet are enough to alter the gender balance of the estuary populations.

Once all these fish are male, they spawn all over the place, filling the water with fish sperm. But that’s not what makes the water tastes funny. No, the sperm in turn floats innocently to the bottom of a body of water, where it settles on rocks. This increase in readily available genetic material super-charges the evolutionary rate of fresh-water rocks, to the point that the rocks evolve into living sea life within a short period of time. Whole new species of rock-fish have developed which we don’t know how to handle.

So, the US government traps these rock-fish and sells to them to the Chinese, who serve them to Apple’s slave laborers as “Super Happy #1 Seafood Stones” (well, that’s a rough translation). This made millions of Chinese workers lose their teeth, which got the Communist Party interested in dental care. They perfected a means of tooth-transplant, but the tooth must come from a live donor and be healthy.

They already have horrible teeth and they needed another source, so they convinced the American government to put fluoride in our water to keep our teeth healthy, because one day, China is invading… for our teeth.

And that’s why our water tastes so bad.